


This Isn't Love, It’s Addiction

by The_Clamp



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Anger Management, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety, Blowjobs, Body Paint, Butt Plugs, Cheating, Dom/sub Undertones, Explicit Sexual Content, Heartache, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Impulsive Behaviours, Kihyun is 2 Years Older, Lovehate, M/M, Mind Games, Minor Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk, Minor Chae Hyungwon/Shin Hoseok | Wonho, Minor Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun, Model Chae Hyungwon, Multiple Orgasms, Overstimulation, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Photographer Yoo Kihyun, References to Depression, Rimming, Self-Worth Issues, Shower Sex, Switching, Taking Pictures During Sex, Teasing, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love?, Violence, mental health, they need help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2019-11-05 15:40:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 76,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17921654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Clamp/pseuds/The_Clamp
Summary: Kihyun is a photographer with a bad temper and sharp tongue. Hyungwon used to be a shy, well mannered young man but turned manipulative and equally sharped tongued. Together they’re a match made in hell.If Kihyun was fire, Hyungwon was kerosene.“But I like the idea that you’ll smell cigarette smoke whenever you lay in bed and be forced to think of me.”Kihyun makes Hyungwon cry and then meets him again 6 years later and he’s completely changed. They’re both whipped for each other in a pretty unhealthy relationship but the soft and fluffy moments they share mixed with the intense and explosive emotions they bring out of one another make it almost impossible for either to walk away.Touches on some pretty dark themes but I tried to keep it balanced.





	1. Man Up

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, first Monsta X fic! Been away from writing for a couple of months due to unforeseen circumstances. This is almost completely written and I think will end up being about 10 chapters in total. 
> 
> This first chapter is really just to set the scene.

At first, people had been surprised when Hyungwon had decided to go into the modelling industry. He had always been the shy and reserved type with somewhat depressive inclinations. His parents were especially surprised and concerned. Honestly, it began as a way to earn extra money while he was getting ready to go to collage but his career gained some early traction and so he stuck with it, abandoning the idea of collage all together. His father had disapproved most of all, saying he won’t have a pretty face forever and that he still needed to peruse an education. 

Hyungwon understood his father’s concerns, he wasn’t stupid, but he struggled to care about the future.

He was 18 when he moved to Seoul with his best friend and it was surging the summer of that year he was called to the agency building early one Monday morning. He wasn’t really a morning person and so he was on his fourth black coffee by the time he arrived.

His agent informed him he’d been selected to model for a pretty well known brand, it was a deal he had been hoping to get for a while.

“They’re currently using a freelance photographer so you’ll have to go to his studio. This is a pretty popular brand so it’ll be great exposure for you.” His agent explained and slid an address across his desk towards Hyungwon. “They want you shirtless in the shots so make sure you don’t eat too much this week. Otherwise you’ll make more work for the photoshop people.” The agent tagged on.

Hyungwon was gifted with a naturally slender and willowy frame but apparently that wasn’t good enough. His stomach dropped a little at the idea of being photographed in a state of undress because frankly, he didn’t really like exposing much skin.

“Yes Sir. Thank you.” Hyungwon dipped his head, he was a polite and soft spoken young man. He’d been told that was a disadvantage in such a cutthroat industry but he’d always said that good manners cost nothing. 

 

———

 

That night, he returned home to the apartment he shared with his best friend, Hoseok. 

“Honey I’m home!” He called as he toed his shoes off by the door with a wide smile on his face as the smell of food greeted him. 

“I’m in the kitchen!” Came a voice. Hyungwon followed it to where Hoseok was cooking. God, it smelled so good. 

“Got some good news, I got the job. The ad campaign!”

“For the jeans? The one you were talking about last week?”

“Yep. You’ll have to see my face whenever you walk into a department store.” He poked out his tongue playfully.

“I like your face! Congrats!” Hoseok threw his arms around the young model, almost squeezing the life out of him with his strong grip as he lifted him off his feet easily and spun him around. “I’ll give you an extra piece of beef to celebrate!”

“Thank you Hoseok, but I’m not really hungry.” He lied. 

Hoseok dropped him and pulled away, looking at him with skeptical eyes. “You’re gonna disappear if you don’t eat! There’s nothing of you!” 

“Relax, I just had lunch out.” Hyungwon gave a warm smile. He was good at faking a smile.

“I’ll let you off this time but only because your turtle smile melts my heart.” He ruffled Hyungwon’s hair. 

“Thanks, Mother.”

“Don’t call me that.” The shorter rolled his eyes.

“Daddy?”

“Ew! Hell no!” Hoseok recoiled across the kitchen and grabbed up a spatula in defence.

The pair laughed together. Hoseok was a good friend to Hyungwon. He’d always been there for him and always managed to make him smile for real. He probably wouldn’t have lasted 30 seconds in Seoul on his own.

 

 

———

 

Eventually the day arrived. He made sure to skip dinner the night before and miss breakfast, stomach grumbling as he followed the directions to the studio. 

He rang the bell and the door was answered by a young man, probably around the same age as him. He was short, but most people were short to Hyungwon. He had bright red hair and strikingly sharp, pretty features. His eyes were especially intriguing. The man had a camera hanging around his neck and directed him to the back of the studio wheee he could change clothes.

Hyungwon wasn’t really a natural in front of the camera. He’d only recently gotten comfortable with walking down the catwalk. It was like there was nowhere to hide when a lens was looking right at him. It felt so awkward and intimidating to be at the camera’s mercy. Especially in this case, where it was a small studio with only the photographer and himself. His throat felt dry with anxiety.

The man looked intense, even with his bored expression as he set up his camera equipment. The man had yet to say anything more to Hyungwon, leaving him to stand awkwardly after getting changed into the jeans he was supposed to model. 

“Stand over there.” The photographer suddenly instructed, motioning with his hand and not looking up at him. 

Hyungwon obeyed quickly. 

The man finally looked up and rolled his eyes. “Take your shirt off so I can set up the lighting.”

“Do I really have to take it off now?”

Apparently that was completely the wrong thing to say. “The brief says they want you in just the jeans. No shirt. How the fuck am I supposed to light your skin properly when it’s under a white shirt? You’re not even pale. It’s completely different.” His words came out pointed, his lisp doing nothing to lessen how intimidating Hyungwon found him. 

“S-Sorry.” Hyungwon quickly removed his shirt to spare himself another scolding. His chest felt a little tight.

The photographer started moving the lights around as Hyungwon stood uncomfortably. Somehow the silence was even worse than the scolding he’d received. 

“Ok. Let’s get this over with.” The redhead picked up his camera and turned towards Hyungwon. “Graceful sexuality. Start with hands in pockets and lean back with your pelvis forward slightly. We’ll see how it looks in that position. Needs to be effortless. Look bored.”

It was a little cold in the studio and it was making Hyungwon’s nipples hard. He was acutely aware of it and that fact made him even more uncomfortable and embarrassed. He wanted nothing more than to cover himself up. He wasn’t the most body confident person in the world and at that moment he felt practically naked. His tension must have shown in his body language because as he adopted the position dictated to him he saw the photographer scowl. 

“You’re tense. Your shoulders are too high. How is that graceful? Your elbows are so fucking awkward. I don’t fucking have time for this. Are you stupid or do you just not know how to do your job? Not like it’s difficult to stand there and try not to look ugly.” He spat with venom. 

Hyungwon was speechless. He’d been talked down to and treated badly before, it came with the job. But this bare faced meanness had really thrown him off. 

“I’m sorry. I-I’m just a little uncomfortable .”

“Well get over it or get out. You can explain to your agency why the photos didn’t get done.” The photographer marched over and physically adjusted Hyungwon’s body position. “There. Now turn your head like this and run your hand through your hair slowly when I say so. Less awkward elbow in this position.” He smacked Hyungwon’s wrist to get him to remove the hand from his pocket. “Do you think you can manage something so terribly complicated?”

“Y-Yes.” He felt like he might cry but that was the last thing he wanted to do in front of this guy.

“Good.” He held up the camera. “Ok, run your hand through the hair now. Keep your expression neutral with your lips just barely parted. Keep your right hand in your pocket.”

Hyungwon did as he was told as he heard the shutter click a number of times. He just wanted this to be over. Wanted to leave his body. As soon as the photographer was finished, Hyungwon started pulling his shirt back on quickly. He could feel the tears burning in his eyes. 

The redhead must have noticed a tear escaping down his cheek. “Gonna cry? Man the fuck up. You better learn to deal with shit. Otherwise, you won’t last 5 seconds in this industry. That handsome face won’t take you far on its own. Be prepared to take shit and suck the right dicks or you’ll never be anything.”

 

———

 

Hyungwon practically ran home from the studio. 

He composed himself before walking back into his apartment where he was instantly greeted by his best friend. 

“Hey! How did it go?”

“It was fine.” Hyungwon said quietly, trying to escape to his bedroom. 

“Your eyes are all red. You look like you’ve been crying. What happened?” Hoseok’s smile turned into a look of concern. 

“N-Nothing.”

“Wonnie, please tell me.”

“I’m just stupid and emotional.” He bit his lip, feeling his eyes burn again.

“Tell me. Please.” He pulled Hyungwon into a hug. 

“I’m just being over sensitive. The photographer was just so mean and I was so nervous.”

“What did he say?”

“I don’t really want to go into it.”

“Well fuck that guy. Some people are just assholes because they can’t deal with their own lives. Forget about him. How bout I go pick up sushi from that place you like and we can sit and watch trashy reality TV and judge people, hm?”

“That sounds perfect.” Because Hoseok always knew how to heal the pain, even if just for a while.

 

———

 

It was fairly soon after the incident with the photographer that Hyungwon was propositioned for the first time. The director of a fashion show he was to be in had offered to give him the best position if Hyungwon sucked him off. When Hyungwon declined the man had warned him that he wasn’t in a position to deny such opportunities. 

So Hyungwon finally agreed. 

He felt filthy and disgusting afterwards but maybe it was worth it, being in the key position got him noticed. That was probably the start of his career really taking off but also his personal downhill slide. Letting dirty old men in the industry take advantage of him. A blowjob here and there. Letting them fuck him. At first he cried afterwards but his tears dried up after a while. 

What a rapid climb to fame and fortune but such a spectacular personal fall from grace at the same time. A fall that not even his best friend could save him from.

Behind the fake smiles and disposable income, he started to feel cold and numb inside all the time. At some point something shifted in his brain. His heart hardened and he became a bitter twisted version of himself. As he gained more success and status he started looking down on those dirty old men. He didn’t see it as being the used one anymore. He used his body to get what he wanted from desperate perverts and he’d vindictively sleep with the wives of people who crossed him. 

He found that liked flirting with straight men to mess with them, too. Apparently he like to toy with people. It was fun. He had to get his kicks where he could. Otherwise there was just nothingness.

He’d been used. Now that he didn’t need them to climb the ladder it was his turn to do the using.


	2. Vogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun and Hyungwon come face to face again after 6 years has passed. Kihyun hasn’t changed a bit but Hyungwon sure has

Over the course of six years, Chae Hyungwon quickly built up a formidable reputation for being as fierce as he was gorgeous. Known for his perfect face with it’s bored expression and his sarcastic quick whit. He always got what he wanted one way or another, sex being one of the many ways he found he could manipulate people easily. He was the kind of man who could kill or make your career but you’d probably end up thanking him for it either way.

At the age of 24 he was one of the top male models in Asia. He also had a large social media following and hordes of devoted fans. He’d even started his own fashion label that year. It was small but it was something he intended to focus on more in the future. He couldn’t model forever, after all. Beauty always fades.

His success had landed him on the cover of Korean Vogue before but this time they wanted to do a 4 page feature on him, the unstoppable rising star.

After he breezed through the interview he walked into the magazine’s photography studio, his hair and makeup freshly styled. He was wearing a well fitted suit, his own design with a bold pattern. People were milling around and fussing over him, moving any hairs which fell out of place and offering him water bottled. He waved them away, he hated people being in his face like that. It made him feel trapped.

Besides, he didn’t need constant primping. He looked good and he knew it. He always looked good, even without the makeup and styled hair. He strolled onto the set like he owned it and faced the photographer. 

The man behind the camera looked hauntingly familiar. 

How could he forget those pretty yet sharp features? It was the photographer from 6 years ago. This was perfect. He remembered how much of an ass the man had been to him but now Hyungwon was strong enough to bite back. 

“I don’t have all day.” Hyungwon commented so the photographer would look up. It was definitely him, there was no mistaking it. 

The man gave him a strange look but didn’t let on that he recognised him. “Then strike a pose, pretty boy.” He scoffed pointedly. He really hadn’t changed, the only difference was that his hair was now bright pink as opposed to red. Maybe he also looked a little more tired than before, but maybe that was 6 years worth of age.

Hyungwon, on the other hand, had changed a lot physically. He almost always wore colour contacts these days and his hair was bleached out almost white. He had developed an elegant layer of muscle where he was just skin, bone and baby fat before. He carried himself with confidence and poise rather than being an awkward beanpole.

Hyungwon struck a pose as requested with well practiced ease. He was at home in front of a camera now. He knew all his best angles, they were practically muscle memory now. 

He stared directly into the photographer’s eyes, fully aware of how intimidating his gaze could be. He wanted to make the man in front of him sweat. 

The photographer moved to change his lens after a few shots. 

“You’re being slow, I don’t have time for this. Shouldn’t you have had the correct lens to begin with? Are you stupid or do you just not know how to do your job? Not like it’s difficult to stand there and take pictures.” Hyungwon drawled the other man’s 6 year old words back at him. 

If looks could kill, the expression on the photographer’s face would have torn him limb from limb. There was a tense silence as Hyungwon tried not to smirk. It was oh so satisfying to him.

“You’re welcome for the advice I gave you. Growing some balls seems to have served you well.” The man’s words seemed precisely laid down, he was clearly trying to contain a fountain of rage. His hands were shaking slightly on the camera and he sucked in a slow deep breath, averting his eyes from Hyungwon. 

“Gonna cry? Man the fuck up.” Hyungwon smiled as sweetly as he possibly could. 

“Stop talking. It makes your mouth look ugly.” Kihyun steadied his hands and snapped the photographs quickly, not saying anything more. 

Hyungwon left the shoot satisfied, having rattled the man. Revenge felt good. 

He intended on that being the end of his interactions with the photographer. He was content with that notion, but for his own satisfaction he asked his agent for the name of the photographer. 

Yoo Kihyun. 

 

 

———

 

 

A few days later his agent called him to tell him out of the blue about a request he had received. 

“You said you wanted to try something a little different, right? Yoo Kihyun, the photographer from the Vogue shoot has requested you to sit as a subject for him as part of his latest project. He does freelance fashion photography but he’s first and foremost an artist with a pretty big following.”

Hyungwon wasn’t interested until he heard the name. “Sure. Just text me when and where.” He was intrigued as to why the man would request him. Maybe he wanted to get back at him. If so, he was welcome to try. Hyungwon was bored lately.

That night, he called his best friend and told him about the Vogue shoot and how the photographer had requested him as a subject. He hold Hoseok everything, he always did. He was the last person who he really had left. Hyungwon had managed to chase off and block out everyone he’d gotten close to in life, except for Hoseok. The man was a crutch to him but also someone he could rely on to not put up with any of his bullshit.

“What if he wants to like, murder you up?” His friend questioned.

“He’s even shorter than you, what’s he gonna do to me?” Hyungwon snorted. 

“Ok so first off, I’m not short. You’re just a tall freak. Second, he could have a machete or a gun to fuck you up with.”

“Nah, he doesn’t seem stupid enough to kill me when my agent knows exactly where I’m gonna be. He’d have just ambushed me or something.” He held the phone between his ear and shoulder while he extracted some pills from the bottles and blister packs in his bathroom cabinet.

“I guess.”

“Mmhmm.” Hyungwon swallowed the pills with a minimal amount of water.

“What you taking? I heard pills.”

“Don’t worry your pretty little head, Hoseok. 60mg of good ol Prozac and a Zopiclone chaser.” He recited. His friend had some right to be concerned because he probably did pop pills a little too liberally. 

“Long as that’s all, the doctor warned you about mixing a cocktail of meds. Anyway, what are you gonna do to the photographer?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well you’re going there for some reason and I doubt it’s to clear the air or whatever. That would be very unlike you.”

“I’m just curious, nothing more.” It was almost true.

“Oh really?”

“Ok, you got me. So maybe I’ll fuck him and then walk out before he gets to come.” He laughed bitterly.

“Of course. What happened to my sweet little Wonnie?” Hoseok lamented. 

“Who?” Hyungwon’s voice sounded empty, even to himself.

“Yeah yeah. Anyways, I gotta go. Have fun, I guess, but be careful.”

 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

 

Kihyun liked to meet his best friend for coffee at least once a week. For one thing it gave him something to look forward to, especially when he seemed to be dragging himself from day to day. Sometimes Kihyun would loose track of time completely and become lost in his work, lost in the details he obsessed over. Above all, Hyunwoo was his voice of reason when nothing made sense and he didn’t judge Kihyun harshly, he was understanding and wise. No matter how many times Kihyun lashed out physically or said hurtful things he was still there for him. Kihyun sometimes wondered if it was something like Stockholm syndrome that kept their friendship going.

“How’s work going?” Kihyun sipped sipped at his black coffee. Decaf, of course. His brain could do without extra stimulation lately.

“Pretty good. We just took on a newbie and he’s super enthusiastic, it’s adorable. We all baby him like crazy.” Hyunwoo was a physiotherapist. Kihyun treasured fact that he had a friend on the outside of fashion and art. Someone to ground him into reality. Sometimes he was even a little jealous because his friend had a job which actually helped people. A respectable and noble profession. 

“You baby everyone. You’re like a dad.”

“I like making people happy! Besides, he can’t afford to eat properly because he’s newly qualified and still paying off his student debts. Can’t have the kid starving to death.” Hyunwoo explained.

“You’re too much of a fucking saint. You must have a dark side.” Kihyun joked, because Hyunwoo had to be the purest person he’d ever met. Frankly, he didn’t understand why the other man would still be friends with him after all these years. They were the complete opposite.

“You’ve known me since we were kids. I think by now you’d have seen my dark side if I had one. Anyway, how’s your work going?”

“Well about that...”

“Uh oh, am I gonna have to get another coffee for this one?”

“Probably, yeah.” Kihyun admitted. 

Hyunwoo shook his head and got up to get himself another skinny latte and a decaf cappuccino for Kihyun before returning to his chair. “Ok, shoot. Confess your sins, my son.”

“Cappuccino?” Kihyun raises a brow and finished his existing black coffee.

“With extra chocolate on top. You need to love yourself more. So come on, tell me what you’ve done this time.”

“So, a few years ago this young model was supposed to come to me to get some shots done and I was kinda in one of my bad moods...” He began. 

“So you were a total jerk to him?”

“Yeah. I felt terrible after. I’d made him cry for fuck sake.” He looked down into his cappuccino and took a deep breath. “You know Chae Hyungwon?”

“Duh. My Ex Girlfriend had a picture of him on her bedroom mirror. It was a little off-putting whenever we.... y’know.” Hyunwoo trailed off. Kihyun remembered that girlfriend, he’d been terribly jealous of her at the time when he was harbouring a pretty big residual crush on his best friend. Or was it just possessiveness?

“Well it was him. Before he was Mr Cool and Popular. So yeah, I did a shoot for Vogue the other day and... it was him again. He totally recognised me and threw everything I’d said to him years ago right back at me. I almost fucking lost my composure. I was ready to smack that stupid look off his face.”

“I assume you didn’t, since you’re not in jail right now.”

“I kept my cool, but only just. I was an asshole to him first so I had no right to be angry but he just looked so fucking smug.” His hands were balling into fists on the table just thinking about it. “Then for some fucking reason I thought it would be a good idea to request him as a subject for my latest exhibition.”

“Why?”

“He’s fucking beautiful. Scary beautiful. I really want to photograph him. It’s purely a professional and artistic thing.” Maybe he was trying to convince himself of that.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, it sounds like he’s probably just gonna rile you up if he agrees.” Hyunwoo had that look on his face that he always got when he realised Kihyun was going to do something whether he advised against it or not. 

“He already agreed. I really didn’t think he would.”

“Damn. Well, I still think this is a stupid idea. If you break his face it’ll be your third assault conviction and you’ll definitely end up in jail.”

“I’ll be fine.” Kihyun wasn’t sure he believed himself.

“I’ll trust your judgement on that. Just don’t sleep with him, I know you haven’t gotten laid in forever and he has a reputation for putting it about.” Hyunwoo said bluntly.

“Ugh! I would never sleep with someone like him. Sure he’s beautiful but he’s probably the worst kind of pillow princess. There’s no way in a million years I’d sleep with him, I don’t know where the fuck he’s been. My dick might fall off.”

Hyunwoo frowned a little. “Just be careful, Ki.”

“I will!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh it’s all about to kick off!


	3. Shoot Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What’s gonna happen when they boys are alone together at Kihyun’s studio? Let’s find out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter does contain a character using the big “C” word but it’s just during one conversation. I know some people really hate that word but I just felt it fit the character and the situation.

Hyungwon made sure he looked utterly flawless before he arrived at the studio. His makeup perfectly applied, but not too much. Just enough to accentuate his features. He used a touch of coppery coloured eyeshadow to bring out the shape of his eyes and the blue contacts. He’d left his hair a little wavy and styled it off his forehead to show off his facial symmetry.

The studio thankfully wasn’t the same place he’d been to 6 years ago. Made sense, the photographer was pretty successful these days, after all. He’d looked Kihyun up online and trawled through his Instagram. He was good, really good. Hyungwon was actually rather impressed. 

He rang the doorbell and stood with his back straight with a confident posture. Just a few short seconds later, Kihyun opened the door. His hair was no longer bright pink, it was a washed out cotton candy colour. It was annoyingly adorable.

“You’re late.” Kihyun stated simply as he motioned with a finger for him to enter and follow him. Hyungwon was half an hour late on purpose, figuring Kihyun was the type to be driven crazy by that’d apparently he was correct in his assumption. He just liked to mess with people like that and he was really fucking good at it. Maybe it was a power thing?

“Cotton candy hair? How endearing.” Hyungwon had dressed in white, just as the photographer had asked him to.

“Not for long. Dying it on the weekend.” He commented with one hand on the camera hanging around his neck, fingertips outlining the buttons. Hyungwon noticed things like that, people’s nervous habits. Body language often spoke louder than people’s words. 

“So, where do you want me?” Hyungwon smirked, relaxing his posture and putting his hands into his pockets. 

“Against the white wall over there.” His voice sounded a little pinched but it was hard to tell if it was tension or irritation. Hyungwon needed to poke a t his brain a little more.

“Against the wall? Kinky. Can I ask, why did you want to photograph me?” He lazily wandered to the other side of the room where there was a plain white wall.

“I keep all my work and after their Vogue shoot I looked back at the old photos I took of you. It was interesting and I wanted to photograph you again to see the difference. I think both images would look good side by side in my new exhibition. Anyway, just give me a natural face and stance. We’ll move through some different angles and lighting conditions and see what works.”

Hyungwon complied, shifting his body and expression intermittently as Kihyun snapped pictures and adjusted the lighting around him. To be alone in the studio with the man felt entirely different this time. Hyungwon felt like he was the one with the upper hand this time and it filled him with a nasty sort of pride.

They worked in an easy silence for a while until the photographer spoke up suddenly. “So, were you always a cunt or has fame turned you into one?” He asked casually. It actually took Hyungwon aback.

“Oh the big C? What a dirty mouth you have.” Hyungwon couldn’t help but chuckle. He surprisingly liked how forward the other man was. There was so much falseness in his world it was genuinely refreshing to have someone speak to him that way. “But to answer your question, no. What’s your excuse? You’re one to talk.”

“Me? Oh, I’ve always been a cunt. No excuse. I just have a terrible personality and cant control my temper.” He snapped another photo. 

“Bet you’re an absolute delight at parties in that case.” Hyungwon quipped, smile still tugging at the corner of his mouth. 

“I can be. Depends on my mood. But generally I hate parties.” He altered the focus on his camera. 

“Me too. People always want to talk to me but really I’d rather sit in a corner and drink. People are boring.” This was fun.

“People are irritating.” Another photo, this time with brighter lighting to blanch out any colour.

Kihyun stooped down and took a few more shots before clicking through to review the images he’d taken. There was a slight frown of concentration on his face and he had his lower lip sucked into his mouth. A perfectionist at work. 

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re really pretty?” Hyungwon spoke after a few moments of watching.

Kihyun looked up abruptly. “Not really.” 

“Well, I’m telling you.” The model pushed his back off the wall where he’d been leaning. 

“Why?” Kihyun looked like he was trying to read the blonde’s facial expression but Hyungwon prided himself on being unreadable.

“Credit where credit is due.” Hyungwon softened his voice a little. “Your cheek bones are gorgeous and your eyes are rather striking.”

Kihyun fiddled with his camera, definitely a nervous habit like checking your phone in an awkward situation. “I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how beautiful you are. You probably hear it every day.” His eyes flicked between Hyungwon’s face and the space above the taller man’s left shoulder uncomfortably. 

“Tell me anyway. I wanna hear it from you. I like to have my ego indulged.” Hyungwon pinched the side of his lower lip between his teeth and looked Kihyun dead in the eye, capturing his gaze when it was on him. “Besides, I know you’re not just saying it to appease me.”

To his surprise, Kihyun didn’t hesitate. “You’re beautiful. Eerily beautiful, actually. The kind of beauty that almost hurts to look at.” He stepped closer and snapped another photograph, a closeup of the perfect face in front of him. “Your face is almost totally symmetrical, all your proportions are inhumanly perfect.” 

Hyungwon really was praised for his beauty every day, but something about Kihyun made those familiar words sound a whole lot less hollow. Kihyun wasn’t just kissing his ass, he was saying exactly what he thought. “I think I had you wrong all. You’re not such an insufferable asshole.” 

Conflict seemed to flash over the photographer’s face. Like he was deciding whether to tell him to fuck off or not. He signed, it sounded almost like defeat. “I’m sorry I was a jerk to you, Hyungwon.” He inched closer and lowered his camera so it hung freely on the strap around his neck. 

“No hard feelings. I’ve met way bigger jerks than you.” Hyungwon noticed that Kihyun was now within range of his grasp. His fingers twitched at his side as he let his eyes flick down and back up the other man’s body. He knew full well Kihyun was watching and would have noticed the wandering eyes. All part of the plan. 

“I wasn’t in a good mood.”

“I apologise for my conduct at the Vogue shoot. It wasn’t professional of me.” He took a gamble and reached out to grab onto the pink haired man’s small hips. There was something satisfying how they fit so well in his large hands. “But honestly, I’m not very professional.”

He was watching Kihyun’s face intently for a reaction. He saw his sharp eyes narrow incredulously but there was a gentle blush creeping over his face. Cute. 

“So I see.” Kihyun said carefully, making no attempt to remove himself from the taller man’s grasp.

“Do you like men, Kihyun?” He tugged him closer a little roughly so that their hips touched.

“What is it to you?” The shorter man kept his defiant look stuck to his face which only encouraged Hyungwon. 

“I suppose I don’t actually care. What I really want to know is if you’re into me specifically.” He leaned closer, deliberately letting his breath sweep across Kihyun’s ear. He then used the leverage on the man’s hips to switch their position so that Kihyun was the one with his back against the wall. 

“So you wanna fuck me against the wall, huh? Well, too bad.” Kihyun smirked and licked his lips. Oh. So he was a tease? A tease who was definitely playing the game. Hyungwon liked this game, even if this suddenly wasn’t going the way he’d imagined in his mind’s eye. Never mind, he was adaptable. 

“No? That’s a shame. I bet you’d look so cute on my dick. Pressed up against this wall with your legs wrapped around my waist. I bet you’re a screamer, Kihyun.” He tilted his head and brought his face closer to Kihyun’s so that his warm breath would tease at his lips with every word. “I bet you’d be begging even while I’m fingering you open.” He could feel the photographer starting to get hard against him.

“Remember how I told you that talking makes your mouth look ugly? Maybe you should keep that in mind.”

“Hmm then maybe I should do something else with my mouth.” Before the other could consider the implication of those words he sank to his knees and tugged open the photographer’s belt buckle. “Studded belt? What is this, 2005?”

“Fuck off.” Kihyun growled but he was failing to suppress a grin. An actual grin. The fucker was into this back and fourth, too. 

Hyungwon licked his plush lips as he lifted Kihyun’s t-shirt, sucking and biting at his lower abdomen. His skin smelled like lemongrass and tasted mildly of soap. “You can pull my hair, but no moving your hips.” He mouthed over the tight skin while he rubbed the pink haired man through his jeans. 

Kihyun just groaned and closed his eyes, actually unsure he was going to be able to handle the sight of the beautiful being on his knees in front of him. “Stop being such a tease, Hyungwon.”

“Good things come to those who wait, Kihyun.” He tugged Kihyun’s jeans down his thighs, taking his underwear along with them in the process to reveal his half hard dick. “Ohh I’m glad to see not all short guys have dicks to match. That’s good to know.” He grinned, tongue poking out slightly between his teeth as he stroked him to full hardness. 

“God I can’t wait ‘til you stop talking and choke on it.”

“Me either.” He licked his lips slowly before licking lightly at the tip of Kihyun’s erection, causing the man’s hips to twitch. “Forget what I said already? Keep your hips still.” He braced his palms on sharp hipbones, pressing Kihyun into the wall as he took his length into his warm wet mouth.

“Oh sshhhit.” Kihyun’s hand was quickly tangled into soft blonde hair. 

Hyungwon could feel a certain sense of pride swelling in his chest as he worked his tongue along the especially sensitive spot under the head, making Kihyun grip his hair harder and let out a half stifled moan. God, he sounded so good when he moaned. The mere thought of how he’d sound when he orgasms made the blonde’s own cock twitch. 

As he glanced up he saw that Kihyun had taken to biting on the back of his own hand to silence himself, head thrown back against the wall. But in the next moment, Kihyun gave into temptation and opened his eyes to look down at the model. He groaned pathetically at the sight like he regretted it instantly, inflating the younger’s ego further. 

“You look so fucking sinfully good with that mouth stuffed full.” He half moaned and half whined. Not to mention the fact that Hyungwon was gazing up with those big pretty eyes of this and it made Kihyun’s lower abdomen quiver. 

Hyungwon took that as the perfect time to deep throat him, swallowing against his gag reflex and moaning around the hot heavy length in his mouth. He wouldn’t normally touch himself while giving head but the way Kihyun was losing his mind at his mercy was just too much of a turn on. He removed his palms from the older’s hips and shoved his hand into his too-tight white slacks. 

He pulled off for second. “I take it back, you can move your hips. Fuck my mouth.” His voice was deeper than usual and horse, he sounded wrecked. “You can be rough. I’ll pinch you hard if I don’t like it.” 

That seemed to be music to Kihyun’s ears because he could feel the grip on his hair adjust and bring him back down onto his erection. The blonde relaxed his throat and let his eyes flutter closed. Sometimes relinquishing control felt good, as long as he was in the right headspace. 

A rare luxury, these days.

“How are you so hot? And your mouth feels so fucking good” Kihyun choked out as he started to move his hips, carefully at first. After all, he didn’t want to hurt the model. But when he noticed Hyungwon stroking himself fervently he increased his pace. 

It really wasn’t supposed to turn out like this, but here Hyungwon was, on his knees getting his mouth fucked while jerking himself off like some kind of desperate slut. He’d probably berate himself for it later. As for now, he sped up the pace of his hand in time with Kihyun thrusting into his mouth. It didn’t take long for him to climax and spill all over his own hand, moaning desperately around the cock in his mouth. 

While he was still in his post-orgasm haze he felt himself be pulled back by his hair and he had just enough wits about him to stick his tongue out and close his eyes half a second before Kihyun came all over his face. 

He felt dizzy. Lost for a second until he felt Kihyun cleaning his face for him with the sleeve of his hoodie.

“S-Sorry I didn’t expect it to sneak up on me like that. When you moaned like that I just—” Kihyun began apologising as he helped Hyungwon back to his feat. 

“Shut up. Take me back to your place and fuck me.” He cut the photographer off as soon as he caught his breath. 

“What? Seriously?”

“Do I look like I’m kidding?” This was certainly not the way he’d planned this out. Not at all. What the hell was he doing? Kihyun was so fucking fascinating to him. 

Apparently Kihyun didn’t need any further convincing. They adjusted their clothes enough to be acceptable out in public, Hyungwon didn’t really care that his lips were swollen and his hair a complete mess. In fact he barely cared enough to actually wash the semen off his hand but Kihyun had vehemently insisted that he did rather than just wiping it with a cloth. 

Fortunately for them, Kihyun’s apartment was a short walk away from the studio. Hyungwon kept his head down because if he got stopped by someone asking for an autograph right now he would probably have a breakdown. Not that he cared about being spotted looking fucked out, he just didn’t want to waste valuable time he could be spending getting fucked. 

As soon as they were in the elevator Hyungwon had Kihyun pressed up against the side, crashing their mouths together.

“S-Se—” Kihyun pushed at him so he could speak. “Security camera!”

“Don’t care.” Hyungwon flipped the bird at the camera in the corner of the elevator and went back to kissing and biting at Kihyun’s lips, their tongues soon fighting for dominance. 

Kihyun pushed him out of the elevator and steered him along the hallway until they came to his door. His hands were almost shaking too much to put the key into the lock. 

“Hope that isn’t a sign of things to come.” Hyungwon sniggered. 

“You’re doing that thing again where you talk.”

“Sorry. Except I’m actually not.” 

Kihyun opened the door and pushed Hyungwon through it. “Take off your shoes.”

“Yessir.” Hyungwon gave a mock salute and kicked off his shoes, chuckling when Kihyun bent over to put them neatly next to his. Priorities? He couldn’t resist smacking his butt.

Kihyun squeaked in surprise and stood upright, whipping around to face the grinning blonde. 

“That little noise was so adorable, gotta say. You sure you don’t wanna sit on my dick?”

“Really fucking sure.” Kihyun growled and shoved Hyungwon up against the nearest wall. Despite being a lot shorter than Hyungwon he was actually a lot stronger than he looked. He kissed down Hyungwon’s long neck and sucked at the spot he could feel the pulse under his lips. Shaking hands working to open the oversized white shirt the model wore but his fingers had trouble with the buttons. “This expensive?”

“Very.” Hyungwon breathed out, grinding on a thigh that had been placed between his legs. So shameless. It was nice letting go of pride sometimes.

“Good.” Kihyun almost growled against his skin as he ripped the shirt open, sending buttons clattering to the floor and revealing an expanse of smooth caramel skin covering graceful sinewy muscle on a slim frame. “Fuck.” He ducked down to suck on a small perky nipple. 

A memory drifted through Hyungwon’s head of his teenage self standing there in front of Kihyun and feeling embarrassed of how his nipples had gone hard in the cold room. He made a noise he was pretty sure he’d never made before, half way between a moan and a laugh. 

“Something funny?”

Hyungwon was about to say that yes, something was funny but he was cut off when Kihyun bit him just under his left nipple. “Ah!” Why was this so exciting? 

“Still funny?”

“H-Hilarious.” He tugged Kihyun’s hoodie up over his head and oh fuck. Kihyun was hiding abs? Not as defined as Hoseok’s were but they were definitely there. “Whoever said someone can’t be both cute and hot?”

“I’m not fucking you against the wall. C’mon.” Kihyun peeled away and dragged Hyungwon by his belt loops. 

“Not sure you could reach, anyway. Shorty.” Hyungwon teased as he was hauled across the threshold of the bedroom ad shoved onto the bed roughly. The room was pretty minimalist and smelled like clean linen. The only personal items were a collection of different cameras neatly placed on a shelf. 

Kihyun crossed the room to rummage in a drawer and the next thing Hyungwon knew he was having a bottle of lube thrown at him. 

“You seem to love attention, right?” With a condom in his hand, Kihyun made his way to the chair in the corner of the room and dragged it a little closer to the bed before sitting himself down. “Well, you have my full and undivided attention right now so put on a show for me.”

“This is because I said I wanted to fuck you, isn’t it? You’re putting me in my place, hmm?” If Kihyun wanted a show, he was gonna get it. 

Kihyun didn’t reply, he just turned the condom packet over in his hands and spread his legs a little to help accommodate his still clothed erection.

Hyungwon smoothly slipped himself out of his clothes, moving slowly and with calculated purpose to ensure Kihyun got the best view of his strip tease. His intense gaze remaining on Kihyun, searching for signs he was losing his composure. Signs like him fiddling more and more with the condom in his hands and fidgeting ever so slightly in his seat.

The blonde laid himself out on the bed diagonally, draping himself over the white sheets. He took a little time to tease at his own body, letting his touch flit over his sensitive nipples and tease down his flanks and stroke himself lightly as he spread his legs wider.

“My body’s still so sensitive from coming before.” He murmured low in his chest, keeping his eyes on Kihyun as the pink haired man began to palm himself through his jeans. It must have been killing him to still be wearing them. 

Hyungwon grabbed the lube from next to him on the bed and coated his long slender fingers on his right hand. “Enjoying the show so far?” He breathed. 

“So fucking much.” Kihyun’s throat sounded dry. 

The blonde slipped a finger into himself, breath hitching at the cold intrusion. It had actually been a while since he’d fingered himself but it didn't take long for him to crook a finger into his own prostate. “Ahh!”

“So impatient, aren’t you?”

“Just wanna get fucked so bad.” He crooked his finger inside himself again before working in a second finger, maybe a little too soon. The burn felt so good, though. “Just wanna feel full. I’m a dirty fucking slut like that.”

“You’re fucking beautiful.” 

The sincerity took Hyungwon off guard. He decided to ignore it, though. He put two fingers of his other hand into his own mouth and sucked on them as he fucked himself open for Kihyun. He was starting to worry he’d break before Kihyun did, especially as he let his eyes flutter closed while he began to get lost in his own pleasure. Fuck, at this rate he’d come untouched before Kihyun even got out of his jeans. 

“I’m gonna fucking come soon. Please get your ass over here, Kihyun.” That sounded an awful lot like begging, even to his own ears. 

Suddenly he heard a belt buckle clink and the shifting of denim. He felt the bed dip next to him, too, but still didn't open his eyes. There was suddenly a hand removing his fingers from himself and another hand pushing his thigh up.

“You look delicious.” Then there were teeth nipping at the tender flesh of his inner thigh followed by harsh sucking. 

He pulled his fingers out of his mouth. “Oh my fucking god, Ki.” His hand moved to Kihyun’s bare shoulder and scratched at his skin, leaving angry red lines. “Want you.”

“Turn over.”

Hyungwon opened his eyes to take in the lustful look on the photographer’s face. He took a moment to look over the naked form in front of him. Kihyun had really nice thighs, he’d remember that for next time. 

Wait. Next time?

Never mind.

He flipped himself over so that his upper body was on the mattress and his ass was sticking up in the air. “This how you want me?”

Instead of giving a verbal answer, Kihyun spread Hyungwon’s cheeks and dipped his tongue into his sensitive stretched hole.

“Fuck! Warn a guy will ya?” 

“Mmhh sorry, like I said you look delicious.” He bit at Hyungwon’s tailbone. “So good.” He delved back into him with his tongue, this time inserting his fingers alongside. The sounds the blonde made were almost like nothing he’d ever heard before. It drove him insane. 

Hyungwon felt close already and he had barely touched his cock. “Please just fuck me, KIhyun. I’ll beg if you want me to.” He whined through the pleasure. 

“No need.” Kihyun had just about reached his limit on teasing, too. He sat back and tore open the condom, rolling on and grabbing the lube again. 

Hyungwon just wiggled his butt impatiently as he waited. He could have cried in relief when he finally felt the head of Kihyun’s erection slowly penetrate him. The stretch making his eyes prickle at the corners but holy fuck it felt so damn good. 

“Fuck.. Hyungwon...” 

He shifted his hips back to meet him until he felt the other man’s pelvis flush against his ass. “F-Fuck me.” 

Kihyun started moving his hips slowly, not wanting to hurt him since he hadn’t waited long to adjust. Apparently, though, this didn't fly well with Hyungwon because he wiggled and whined. 

“C’mon Kihyun, make me feel it for the rest of the week!” 

“Patience is a virtue, Hyungwon.” He was one to talk about patience. Oh the irony.

“Fuck patience. I want you and I always get what I want.”

“Yeah?” Kihyun slapped Hyungwon’s ass cheek at the same time he thrust into him hard.

“F-Fuck!” Hyungwon’s voice cracked a little. 

“Fuck, you’re so tight.” He altered his angle a little for the next rust, searching for the spot inside Hyungwon that would make him scream.

“D-Don’t sound surprised.” Hyungwon let out that sound again which was half laugh and half a moan. Apparently that was just a sound that he had to accept he made now.

Kihyun gave an another sharp thrust, this time hitting his prostate dead-on and Hyungwon felt his body spasm with the sudden pleasure shooting through his body. “Yes! There!” He felt dizzy but in the best way possible.

Now that Kihyun had found what he was aiming for he gave him exactly what he wanted, fucking him with rough sharp thrusts, hands gripping his hips and scratching over his sides. Sweat was building on both of them, a thin sheen on their skin as the room filled with the sounds of panting and moans. 

Hyungwon reached down to touch himself, pumping in time with each thrusts best he could until he came undone, spilling all over his own hand for the second time that day. His vision blurred out almost completely as he was fucked through his orgasm. “K-Ki—Ahhh!”

Amongst the white noise he vaguely registered the sound of his own name leaving Kihyun’s lips as his own orgasm hit, too. He was numb, his body collapsing onto the mattress like some kind of boneless blob the second Kihyun pulled out and let go of him to dispose of the condom.

He limply rolled himself over onto his back, chest heaving as he watched the photographer cross the room back to the bed, noticing his eyes were fixed on him, too. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Hyungwon panted out, still catching his breath.

“Maybe I will.” Kihyun reached for a camera off the shelf and moved to the foot of the bed.

“Go ahead. You can add it to your jacking off material.” He was too tired and blissed out to move, he just watched as Kihyun snapped a few photographs of him. 

“Stunning.” KIhyun murmured. 

“Can I use your shower?”

“Oh uh yeah, of course. It’s just through there. The guest towel is the blue one, it’s clean.” KIhyun was tensing up.

Hyungwon slid off the bed and kissed the top of Kihyun’s head, damp hair tickling his face. “Don’t have a freak-out.” He teased and disappeared to the shower. 

Once Hyungwon was clean and dressed, he called a goodbye into the bathroom where Kihyun was still scrubbing himself clean and showed himself out. He didn't believe in sticking around after sex. It was too intimate. 

Kihyun was left alone with his thoughts.

 

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

That evening, Hyunwoo called in to see Kihyun.

“I smell bleach. I take it something happened at your studio?” Hyunwoo knew him all too well. If something was amiss or bothering him, Kihyun would obsessively clean his home and studio. Sometimes even Hyunwoo’s place. 

“Yeah, you could say that. Also here.”

“I’ll make coffee, shall I?”

“Yeah...”

Hyunwoo set about making coffee for them both, decaf for Kihyun and regular for himself. Kihyun always kept stuff in his kitchen that Hyunwoo liked, “So, I’m all ears.” He passed Kihyun his cup and sat next to him on the couch. 

“I slept with him.”

“Of course.”

“People say I’m hot and cold but he’s something else. He had me going from wanting the ground to swallow me up to wanting to fuck him into next week in the space of about thirty seconds.”

“Oh god you fucked at your studio?”

“No! I— He— He sucked me off at the studio and then came back here and I fucked him.” He put his coffee down on the table so he could bury his head in his hands.

“Please tell me amongst your lack of judgement you still used a condom.”

“Of course! Jeez! What the hell do you take me for?”

“Well when we—”

“Because we were 17 and stupid!” Kihyun cut him off. 

“Ok, so just draw a line under what happened between you two and move on with your life. Don’t let it get to you.”

“Yeah... you’re right. Fuck I don’t know what came over me.”

“The devil in you, that’s what. It’s ok, though. We all do things we regret and it isn’t worth freaking out over.”

“I don’t know if this is regret or not.” Because he’d do it again. Really would. Hyungwon had something addictive about him. Something dangerous. “I didn’t feel like some kind of alien when I was with him. It was... nice? But scary.”

“Ki...” He sounded sad and Kihyun hated that. “It’s not worth it if you feel like garbage after, right?”

“No, you’re right. Of course you’re right.” He picked up his coffee and took a sip, grimacing at the taste.

“What? Did I not make it right?” Hyungwon looked up from his own coffee.

“Just the mix of antiseptic mouth wash and coffee isn’t great.”

“I thought you weren’t weird about kissing people anymore.”

“I’m not I... uh...” he could feel his face turning hot.

“You....?” Hyunwoo urged.

“Ugh! I rimmed him! I put my tongue in his ass! Oh god why did I think it was a good idea to put my mouth anywhere near someone’s butt!? So fucking gross!” 

Hyunwoo spat his coffee all over himself as he erupted in laughter.

“It’s not funny! I was lost in the moment!”

It took a good 5 minutes before Hyunwoo could string a sentence together. “Y-Yes it—it is f-funny!” He had tears streaming down his face by this point. 

“You’re fired as my best friend!” 

Kihyun knew Hyunwoo was right. He knew Hyungwon was probably bad for him. So why did he crave seeing that smartass smug model again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was basically just filth, huh? ^^;


	4. Work Of Art

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun can’t get Hyungwon off his mind and the blonde model brings out the jealousy in him at Kihyun’s exhibition.

In the end, Kihyun couldn’t just forget about what happened. It really didn’t help that he had to spend a good few hours trawling through the images he’d taken of Hyungwon in the studio. That perfect fucking face looking smugly down the camera like he was looking into Kihyun’s soul. 

Then he remembered the photographs he’d taken on his other camera. He sat up from his computer and moved to take the camera off the shelf in his bedroom before returning and loading the files. 

Oh god. 

Kihyun thought they might have been the most beautiful images he’d ever taken. Hyungwon sprawled across his bed looking entirely fucked out. The sight on his screen made the blood rush straight to his groin. 

“Yoo Kihyun. You’re not gonna jack off to him. That means he wins.” He told himself out loud. But really, who was he kidding? Hyungwon was well and truly under his skin. 

Kihyun was only human. After an hour of trying to ignore a very persistent erection he resigned himself to his fate, pulling himself out of his jeans and looking at the images of a freshly fucked Hyungwon. 

Kihyun was doomed. He didn’t even care that he should be ashamed of himself for masturbating to the memory of it all. Smooth skin, long elegant limbs, those lips and the beautiful filthy sounds spilling from them.

As he worked himself with a tight grip his mind drifted from memories to concocting new scenarios. What if he had let Hyungwon fuck him against the wall? Or better yet, what would it have been like to ride him? The possibilities were endless. Suddenly just stroking himself wasn’t enough. 

He could almost see the smug look on Hyungwon’s face as he took himself away from the computer to his bedroom. His skin almost crawled under the imaginary gaze as he shamelessly grabbed the lube which had dwelled on his bedside table since their interaction two days prior. He fought off the feeling that he’d given the model some kind of victory as he stripped himself out of his jeans and underwear, not bothering to remove his t-shirt. No turning back now, right? What even was pride?

Whatever pride was, it thoroughly left him as he poured lube into his hands and continued to stroke himself before reaching further down and pressing a finger into himself. He whined a little at the feeling, it had been a long time since he’d been on the receiving end or even fingered himself like this. He added another finger with a hiss and searched for his own sweet spot. 

Shit, Hyungwon had such long fingers. They’d feel so much better inside him, wouldn’t they? 

“Fuck!” He breathed as his fingertips grazed that place inside himself. 

The burning shame only caught up with him when he was laying there panting in his post-orgasmic haze. His T-shirt had ridden up hhis body and his naked lower half was covered in lube and his own come. Sweaty hair sticking to his forehead and the back of his neck.

Fuck his life. 

The ding of his phone across the room brought him out of his daze. 

_Hyungwon ;) x 3:32pm  
Was thinking about you when I sat down for an interview and my ass hurt x _

Was the fucker psychic or something? Wait. Kihyun didn’t remember exchanging numbers. Right after removing the winky face and x from Hyungwon’s name he fired off a reply. 

_Kihyun 3:34pm  
How did you get my number and how is yours in my phone?_

_Hyungwon 3:34pm  
I helped myself while you were showering. Been thinking about me?_

_Kihyun 3:40pm  
Nope. _

_Hyungwon 3:40pm  
Liar. Free tonight? _

Hyungwon had him all worked out, didn’t he? Shit, he really was well and truly wrapped around the blonde’s little finger. Within the cumulative time of seven hours spent together the model had gotten so far under his skin enough to practically own him.

Kihyun was fucked. 

He felt a little like how he imagined a zebra felt the moment the lion caught it and was about to chomp down on it’s throat. Afraid but grimly accepting of his demise. 

 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

The day of Kihyun’s gallery exhibition had kind of snuck up on Hyungwon. He’d always found maintaining a schedule to be one of the hardest things about being in such high demand. 

“Wonnie? You ok there Sleeping Beauty?”

Hyungwon groaned and pulled his face off his desk in his home office, not even bothering to question how the man got in. Hoseok had a key and would wander in unannounced all the time. It had resulted in him being caught in some compromising situations. 

“You’re pulling a lot of hours and I’m worried about you.” Hoseok pulled off the post-it note stuck to the blonde’s forehead. 

“I’m fine.” It really wasn’t easy trying to get his own fashion label off the ground, manage his media presence and maintain his spot at the top of the modelling industry. It was tiring, even without what was going on with Kihyun. They’d fucked no less that 6 times in the last two weeks and Hyungwon had began getting slightly obsessed. Was obsessed the right word? Maybe. Either way, it was eating into his valuable sleeping time. He loved sleep, it was probably the only break he got from the world.

“Oh really?” Hoseok picked up the bottle of water on the desk. Hyungwon only made a feeble attempt to stop him. His friend knew him too well and so there was honestly no point.

“Really.” May as well play the game a little, though. Right? He felt like a teenager who’s mother had found the secret porn stash or the crumpled cigarettes in his sock drawer.

Hoseok uncapped the bottle and sniffed it. “People who are fine don’t put gin in water bottles. It’s 10am for fuck sake.” He wrinkled his nose at the smell. “Ugh, it’s strong.”

“You can worry when it’s neat. Also, it doesn’t count as day drinking if you didn’t stop from the night before. I’m fine.”other than the fact his head felt like a nuclear bomb was going off in it.

Hoseok took a sip and almost instantly began coughing as the alcohol burned the back of his throat. “This 50/50 or something!?”

“More or less. Please don’t cough your lungs up on my desk.” Not quite, maybe 40/60.

“You have a problem.” Hoseok sputtered out between coughs. 

“I do. It’s the fact my friend is on my ass and I have a headache.” He rubbed his hands over his face, trying to rub away the fatigue.

“Of course you have a headache, you’ve been drinking since god-knows-when.”

“I appreciate the concern but I don’t have a problem. I was drinking to work on designs. Helps my creativity when I’m stressed.”

“That sounds like alcoholic talk.”

“Functional alcoholic, thank you very much.” He waved his friend off.

“You’ve got an answer for everything, haven’t you? I’m gonna let this go for now but only because nobody can win an argument against you and honestly, you just ware me down sometimes.” This time it was Hoseok rubbing over his face, he looked a little defeated. “Don’t you have that exhibition to go to tonight?”

Fuck, that was tonight? Well, there goes his opportunity for sleep tonight. “Yeah... ugh.”

“He the one you’re fucking on the regular? It’s not like you to sleep with the same person more than once unless you want something from them, you don’t do repeat performances. So what is it you want from him?”

“How’d you know I was sleeping with him regularly?”

“Psychic best friend powers. Also, I saw some of your messages from him and whenever I see you I can see new hickeys.” Made sense, Hyungwon really didn’t bother hiding the dark red marks from Hoseok.

“Stalker.”

“Not my fault you have the same phone as me and if a message with sexual content pops up I’m gonna read it. I’m only human.”

He gave Hoseok a sharp look. “Well he’s a good lay, sue me. I don’t think there’s anything I want from him.” Was that really true? Hyungwon wasn’t actually sure why he was doing this.

“Does that mean you two are dating?”

“No. But maybe I’m getting a little... attached.” The last word didn’t quite fit right but it was the closest thing he could think of. He didn’t like that word, anyway. Made him sound vulnerable. 

“Attached or something else? Just do yourself a favour and walk away when you realise you like fucking his brain more than you like fucking his ass.” Ah, there it was. Hoseok knew him better than he knew himself, clearly. He was indeed enjoying fucking with Kihyun’s head, wasn’t he? Working out exactly how to press his buttons.

“You make me sound like some kind of sociopath.”

“You have a dark little penchant for manipulating and toying with people. You’re scary good at it, I’ll give you that. I’m sure you even try to mess with my mind sometimes.”

“I wouldn’t hurt you...” He hoped that wasn’t a lie.

“I think sometimes you can’t help but hurt others and yourself. You break people down but you’re a glutton for self punishment, too. Just be careful. For his sake and yours. Oh, and most importantly mine, because I’m the one who sweeps up the mess.”

“Nobody asked you to sweep up.” Hyungwon drawled and rubbed again his temples to soothe his headache. Enough therapy talk, time to shut himself down.

“I promised your mother I’d look after you in Seoul.”

“She stopped giving a fuck years ago. Besides, I’m sure she meant to protect me from rapists and murderers lurking in the backstreets.” 

“You’re far more of a danger to yourself than any criminal thug.”

“Ouch.” He said dryly, a sardonic edge creeping into his voice as he rolled his eyes. 

“I hate you when you’re like this. You turn on a dime, one minute you’re like a normal person and the next you’re an asshole and it’s like talking to a brick wall.” Hoseok sighed in frustration. “I just came by to deliver this to you. You’re welcome.” He picked up a bag from the floor next to him and removed a box of sushi from it, placing it on the desk. “But I’ll take this with me.” He picked up the bottle of watered down gin and dropped it into the empty bag.

“Sorry...” The cold look melted from Hyungwon’s face. Hoseok was the last person he wanted to hurt. “What would I do without you?”

“Hmmm starve?”

“Probably.” Dead. He’d genuinely just be dead without him. 

 

 

—————

 

 

Hyungwon wandered the exhibition hall in the gallery until he saw the photographs of himself. 

There were two mounted into the same frame. The first one was a photograph of him which Kihyun had taken 6 years ago. He was standing there looking uncomfortable and awkward. Hands stuffed into pockets, black hair neatly styled over his forehead and an air of shyness about him. In the warm light his skin looked more tanned and a blush was evident across his cheeks and chest. It must have been one of the first photos Kihyun taken of him. Before he scolded him for his stiff posture. He supposed he looked kinda cute and it disgusted him.

The second was one of the photographs Kihyun had taken a few weeks ago. The angle made it look like Hyungwon was looking down his nose at the camera. Like he was better than it. Because he was, wasn't he?

He was lit with a harsh white light which made him look pale and there was certainly no blush to be seen this time. He looked comfortable, sexual and arrogant. His perfectly messy blonde hair and the striking ice blue contact lenses made him look other-worldly. However, unlike the older photograph there was no life in his eyes at all. For all the striking beauty he looked like a shell without any soul inhabiting it. He looked like a completely different entity to the timid 18 year old in the previous photo. 

There was something almost ugly about his perfection. 

He looked at the card under the work. 

_“PRETTY. Subject, Chae Hyungwon.”_

He peeled himself away from the images after staring at himself for what felt like hours. Something about them made him uncomfortable. He put a lot of effort into keeping himself unreadable but somehow Kihyun had captured all that he was and mounted it into a frame, exposed. 

He pushed his thoughts away and wandered around to look at the rest of Kihyun’s work. A lot of it was very much people-focused. It seemed the photographer had a knack for capturing people’s souls. Anyone could spend hours staring at each image to pick apart and decipher the emotions in the faces staring back. 

He especially liked one of a young woman in a red dress and black leather jacket. She was smoking a cigarette and smiling as she perched on a bar stool. Her smile looked painted on, though. She looked tired and there was a sadness to her. Something about her expression and the composition of the picture was quite haunting, but he couldn’t put his finger on what exactly it was. 

Then he spotted another piece. Four square panels grouped together. The first image was a nipple. A very familiar looking nipple, he could see the tiny marks where he used to have a piercing there. The next was his thigh, marked where Kihyun had gripped them. He felt anger flare up in the pit of his stomach. 

The two images below weren’t him, though. They were unmistakably Kihyun. One was a set of angry looking scratch marks across a shoulder which he distinctly remembered putting there. The other was a hickey just below Kihyun’s navel. Hyungwon remembered doing that, too.

Shit. At least they were close-ups and didn’t include any distinguishing features, but it still felt like a betrayal. A violation.

He read the card under it. 

_“MINE. Subjects, anonymous.”_

At least the little fucker didn’t put his name on it. 

Mine? Hyungwon would show him. He mingled his way around the room, attracting stares and whispers as he usually did. He swallowed the smallest hint of discomfort which he’d never admit sometimes settled at the back of his throat. He wasn’t weak like that anymore.

Eventually he spotted Kihyun, the photographer was dressed in a simple black suit which made his now orange hair stand out even more. Kihyun may have been short but he was easy to spot in a crowd. 

He didn’t approach him, though. Instead he ‘accidentally’ bumped into a female patron. She was suitably pretty and appeared to be alone. 

“Oh I’m really sorry. I didn’t cause you to spill your drink, did I?” He put on a smile which practically dripped with bashful charm. 

“Oh no it’s ok. I don’t think I spilled anything. I wasn’t looking where I was going.” She rushed out, flustered. 

“Entirely my fault.” He bowed slightly in apology. “I’m glad your beautiful dress wasn’t stained, Versace isn’t it? That would have been a shame.”

“Ah yes, it is.”

“Perhaps I can get you another glass anyway, as an apology?”

“Oh! Yeah ok, that would be very nice of you.” She was blushing. It was cute but not as cute as...

Hyungwon didn’t have to glance at Kihyun to know the other man was looking at him. He could practically feel his gaze burning through the back of his head. He offered the woman his arm and lead her away. 

As far as Hyungwon’s sexual preferences went he didn’t mind women. They were more convenient to pick up at short notice in the very conservative society that was South Korea and at the end of the day getting off was getting off. Truth be told he preferred men but beggars can’t always be choosers. Besides, it would probably irk Kihyun even more if it was a woman. 

It didn’t take long for Hyungwon to charm the young woman into kissing him right there at the bar. Just a brief kiss on the cheek but it was plenty because he new Kihyun must have seen it. He ran his hand through his own hair as the woman giggled and blushed. Perfect. 

When Hyungwon noticed Kihyun going into the bathrooms he politely excused himself from the woman who’s name he didn't bother catching and followed. Apparently Kihyun had anticipated him following because when he rounded he corner into the men’s room he was face to face with the orange haired man. Before he could make any snide comments the model found himself being pulled roughly into the empty bathroom. Kihyun shoved him away from himself, sending him flying against the row of sinks. He’d almost ended up on the floor from the force of the shove. 

The violent outburst was quite unexpected. He was acutely aware of the other man’s temper but it usually came out in the form of hurtful words. This shift was.... intriguing. 

“I know you’re trying to make me mad by being all over that woman. You’re not as subtle as you think you are. You keep looking over to check if I’m watching.”

He had noticed? Maybe Hyungwon was still a little shaken from feeling so exposed and it threw him off his game. “You sound paranoid. Not to mention jealous.” 

“You looked so fucking desperate draped all over her, y’know.” Kihyun scoffed. 

“Sorry, did you think I was yours?” He said in mock pity. 

“No. Why would I—” then it clicked. Mine. “It’s just the title of the piece for fuck sake.”

“You had no right to use those pictures.” Hyungwon spat, closing the distance between them using his height to make Kihyun feel physically small. 

Kihyun looked genuinely surprised. “Nobody can tell who it is. Who fucking cares? Two of them are me anyway.”

“Who cares? I fucking care! Because I know it’s me, you ass.”

“You seem angry. I couldn’t possibly relate.” Kihyun doled dryly and folded his arms. 

“Of course I’m angry.” Hyungwon lowered his voice, trying to reign himself in. How could he be the one getting emotional?

“Why? You show more skin than that on a regular basis. From what I hear half of the country has seen you in much more intimate detail.” The venom was building in Kihyun’s words, the photographer could even hear it even in himself. He should stop. Walk away from Hyungwon before it got out of hand. 

“Jealous of them, too? You wanna see more of me, Ki? Jealousy is very sad, you know. Fucking pathetic.” Hyungwon’s words were sharp and stabbing and a condescending smirk was creeping over his face. His expression didn’t falter even when Kihyun grabbed him by the front of his shirt and yanked him down to his eye level.

“Why would I be jealous? You can put your dick wherever you like. I don’t care!” Except he did care. He really was jealous. Kihyun had the sense about him to bring himself back from the edge of exploding and took a step away from Hyungwon, releasing him from his grip. He couldn’t afford to loose control of himself like this. He took a slow breath. “You’re— you’re overreacting.”

Was he overreacting? Maybe he was. Kihyun using those images shouldn’t have hurt like this. People have done far worse to him and far worse photographs of him had been circulated, images taken in far worse circumstances. Rock bottom. Maybe that’s why this felt like such a betrayal. “I’m angry because I wouldn’t have minded you using them if you’d have asked me first. I trusted you!” Or maybe it was the first piece that upset him more. People seeing his soul might be worse than them seeing his naked body. 

Hyungwon’s heart was racing and it felt like something behind his eyes was trying to get out. His heart felt like it was trying to punch it’s way out of his chest. This level of emotion was practically foreign to him and he had no idea where it was coming from or what to do with it. Scary. 

The sharpness completely disappeared from Kihyun’s face, melting away into something not unlike shame. “... I’m sorry...” He took a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have. You’re right. I just really liked the way those images looked... you were so perfect. I obviously wasn’t going to use the full images, I cropped them down to focus on details.”

That was quite enough baring of his soul for one day and so Hyungwon stuck the empty neutral expression back onto his face and straightened his posture. Turning on a dime like Hoseok had said. “Fine. Make it up to me later. I’ll let you give me a blowjob to apologise.” Hyungwon’s voice had settled back into its usual monotone drawl. He patted Kihyun’s cheek as he passed him, walking away to leave the photographer with emotional whiplash. 

Kihyun didn’t feel like the zebra about to become a lion’s snack in that moment. He felt like an injured hyena ready to fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They both have claws and teeth, don’t they? What a recipe for disaster.


	5. Dependency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun is in deep but he’s starting to come apart at the seams. Hyunwoo is worried.  
> It also turns out that Kihyun isn’t the only one cable of jealousy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of warnings here, guys! 
> 
> Don’t be like these boys, always use protection! No glove, no love! Love is cleaner with a packaged wiener! Sock that wang, before you bang!
> 
> This also contains details of abusing prescription medication. Please only take medication as directed by a medical professional.

—————————-

_Hyungwon 11:23pm  
You busy?_

_Kihyun 11:24pm  
At this hour? No. Why?_

_Hyungwon 11:27pm  
Wanna come let me fuck you?_

Kihyun starred at the message for a few minutes. He and Hyungwon had been fucking pretty regularly over the last two months but the model’s messages still caught him a little off guard.

_Hyungwon 11:34pm  
Leaving me on read?_

_Kihyun 11:34pm_  
Double texting? Makes you sound desperate.  
But sure. I’ll be 45min 

He was in bed by now, he needed time to put himself back together 

_Hyungwon 11:35pm  
Too slow. I’m gonna start undressing and touching myself now. If I come before you get here you won’t be getting off tonight x_

“Fuck.” Kihyun threw himself out of bed and tugged on the first items of clothing he could lay his hands on, almost falling over as he wrestled his jeans on. 

Hyungwon’s place wasn’t far, thank god. His pride refused to let him physically run but he did do a weird kind of fast walk. Just on the edge of running. He probably looked incredibly ridiculous passers by.

He felt a little disjointed. Not quite right, realising he’d left his apartment without looking in the mirror and without his camera. He hated being without his camera, even when he had no expectation of using it. His fingers itched without the ability to touch it and fiddle with the shutter button. He ruffled his own hair, worried about what it looked like. Or maybe not so much worrying about how he looked. More like worrying that he didn’t know exactly how he looked because he hadn’t inspected himself before leaving. It didn’t really make sense to think that way, he knew it but that didn’t stop the anxiety starting to rise and gnaw at his chest.

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.

_Hyungwon 11:47pm  
Door is open <3_

It only took another five minutes before Kihyun arrived at Hyungwon’s apartment door, once he remembered which floor he lived on. He’d only been there once before, usually the model would invite himself over to Kihyun’s place instead.

He took a steady breath to calm down before opening the door and entering, slipping off his shoes and placing them neatly by the door. He was about to call out for Hyungwon but he heard the man’s breathy moans from the bedroom. He headed in the direction of the sound, shedding his hoodie on the way and unbuckling his belt. His previous anxieties being downed out by lust.

“Ahh yes there you are~” Hyungwon groaned, stroking himself languidly while splayed out naked on the bed. He really was a sight to behold. His blonde hair was a mess and his cheeks had a hint of colour blooming across them. His limbs just seemed to go on forever. So much skin Kihyun wanted to lick and kiss and sink his teeth into.

“Shit. Don’t you dare come before you fuck me.” He ungracefully fought his way out of his jeans and underwear and practically threw himself onto the bed to straddle Hyungwon. 

“Oh my poor Kihyun, so needy.” He sat forward and pulled Kihyun into a bruising kiss. The model tasted like cigarettes and alcohol.

“Been drinking?”

“Just two glasses of wine. Nothing to mess with my head, don’t worry. My consent is valid, blah blah blah. You’re so cute sometimes.”

“Fine.” He huffed before their positions, clearly Hyungwon had the devil in him tonight. 

“I wanna fuck you with my tongue first.” He kissed down Kihyun’s throat, making him groan at the low rumble of his words. “Get on all fours.”

“Shit, Hyungwon.” He sat back and looked over the model. He noticed a glaringly obvious bite mark on his shoulder, one Kihyun didn’t leave there. His heart thudded in his throat as jealousy spread like wildfire through his veins. Jealousy and lust were a potent combination. 

Hyungwon must have noticed him looking because he smirked slightly. “Something wrong?” 

“No.”

“I’m not yours, remember?” It was that smirk which he sometimes wore that didn’t reach his eyes, leaving them loom soulless. Kihyun hated that look. Of course, he knew he was being played for a fool. 

“I know. I’m not fucking stupid.” Kihyun bit. He pulled away, rage starting to prickle under his skin.

“Aw no need to be jealous, cutie. You’re my favourite, y’know? You fuck me so good when I wanna be filled up but you look sooo perfect with your pretty little hole stretched around my dick. I fucking love the way you moan with that beautiful voice, too. You’re always so good for me.” He tugged Kihyun back in and kissed him hard again, all tongues and teeth. 

Kihyun kissed back with a hint of bitterness, Hyungwon had basically made him into his fuck toy and he’d let him do it. The model was like some terrible but amazing drug, way Hyungwon made him want to strangle him and tell him to fuck off forever but simultaneously he just wanted to roll over for him. He was addicted. 

If Hyungwon ever told him to jump, Kihyun would flip him the bird but would still ask him how high. The worst part was that Kihyun was pretty sure the model was fully aware of this. It was scary how the blonde could seemingly press any button he wanted to make Kihyun jump and roll over. 

“Turn over.” Hyungwon breathed and Kihyun obeyed, turning over onto his hands and knees. He should at least have the self respect to feel embarrassed at the position but apparently he didn’t have self respect around this man anymore. 

Hyungwon ran his hands along his sides and finally brought them to rest on his ass cheeks, parting them to give himself better access to the tight pretty pink hole between them. “I’ve wanted to do this to you for a while.” He left kisses on the backs of Kihyun’s thighs before licking over his entrance. 

“Hyungwon...” Kihyun groaned and buried his face into the pillow as he felt the warm wet tongue tease and prod at him, dipping into his body slightly. It felt so good but the more he got the more he wanted. “Please Hyungwon~” he groaned, reaching down to stroke himself. 

“Such a needy boy.” The blonde reached over to the nightstand and extracted a bottle of berry flavoured lube. The sweet smell filled the room as Hyungwon dribbled some of the cold liquid over the photographer’s hole, eliciting a surprised gasp from him. 

“Flavoured? I’ll take some of that next time I gotta kiss your ash tray mouth, might make you taste b—aahh!” Kihyun’s quip was cut off by the feeling of a tongue sliding into him easily with the help of the lube. He was sure he could feel the grin Hyungwon probably had on his face right now. 

Hyungwon delved as deep as he could with his tongue, licking into him and driving him crazy. 

“Shit I won’t last long if you don’t stop and prep me. Want you to fuck me properly, Hyungwon.” Kihyun felt like he had to physically force words out of his lungs, otherwise all he’d be able to do was moan. 

“Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you, Ki. Good news is you sound super cute begging to get fucked. Bad news is that when I got the lube I saw I’m out of condoms.”

“Seriously? What the fuck? Y-You rim me and THEN break that news? Think it’s funny or something?” KIhyun rolled over and squeezed his legs together. “So I guess now you ain’t getting this ass tonight. Hope you find that just as funny.” Kihyun had to put up some kind of resistance, didn’t he? When really, he knew he was about to agree to be stupid. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t check sooner.” Hyungwon sighed and leaned over and nuzzled at his neck. “If you want I’ll suck you off instead.” The lack of condoms had really been a genuine oversight and not done ploy to get Kihyun to agree to have sex with him unprotected. If it had been anyone else, Hyungwon himself would have called it off, he wasn’t in the habit of taking risks like that. 

“I... I’m like pretty sure I don’t have anything. You’re the only person I’ve slept with for... a while.” KIhyun swallowed hard. 

“I get tested regularly, considering my... active lifestyle. So as far as I’m aware I’m clean.”

“Oh for fuck sake I can’t believe I’m doing this! This is really fucking dumb but fine! You can fuck me without a condom.” He didn’t even have the excuse of being an inexperience teenager this time. “If you give me a disease I’ll fucking kill you.” He rolled back over onto his front so he could push his blushing face into the pillow. 

“Only if you’re sure.” Hyungwon kissed his shoulder blade tenderly. “I’d understand if you don’t want to.”

“I’m sure! Fuck. Just please get on with it.”

“One day I’m gonna count the number of times you say a bad word and spank you for each one.” The model chuckled, Kihyun really wished he didn’t like the sound of that. 

“Ass up, cutiepie.” He teased and smacked Kihyun’s butt.

Again, KIhyun obeyed and lifted his hips for the other man. He shivered again as more of the sweet scented lube was drilled over the cleft off his ass, some of it running down his thighs. This was going to be messy, wasn’t it?

“I don’t want you holding back and smothering yourself with the pillow. Don’t be embarrassed. I want to know exactly how good I’m making you feel.” He pressed a lubed finger intro Kihyun up to the knuckle suddenly, which caused the man under him to almost choke on air.

Kihyun was so sensitive and responsive. Hyungwon watched in fascination how the muscles in his thighs, back and shoulders contorted with the stimulation as he fingered him open meticulously. Working his way up to three fingers and intermittently rubbed them against his prostrate. It was a beautiful thing to see someone unravel under his touch. The way he whined and trembled, letting go of his pride entirely. 

“H’ngwon I c-can’t. Please f-fuck me I’m— ah! Ready.”

“Sorry I was kinda mesmerised. Still ok with me not wearing a condom?” 

“Fuck yes just please do it.” The photographer groaned. He could have cried at the loss when he felt the fingers leave him. It felt like a million years had passed until he finally felt Hyungwon’s erection against his stretched out entrance. “Oh god please.” He begged.

Hyungwon let out a long deep moan as he slid into Kihyun all the way to the hilt, his hands firmly gripping the smaller body under him. “Holy shit Kihyun.”

Fuck, it really did feel amazing to have Hyungwon inside him with no barrier between them.

The blonde started to steadily move his hips as soon as he felt the other pushing back into him. He fucked Kihyun in long slow strokes at first, enjoying the feeling of Kihyun trying to move in his grip to meet his thrusts faster and harder. 

“More~” Kihyun pushed back especially forcefully with frustration. Hyungwon supposed that was enough teasing and gave him what he wanted, snapping his hips forward hard. 

“God!” Kihyun almost screamed as the sweet spot inside him was struck dead on. It made his arms finally give up on him and the upper half of his body collapsed to the mattress. 

“Tell me what it feels like and I’ll tell you what it’s like to be inside you.”

“S-So good! The stretch... burns so good. Ahh fuck!” Kihyun panted, trying to sort his thoughts into intelligible words. “Make m-me feel so f-full and when you hit my p-prostate it feels like a million sparks being set free all over my body! W-Want you to— aahh!! Fuck me harder Hyungwon! Please! I need it so bad~!”

That last part actually took Hyungwon a little off guard but in the best way possible. “You take dick so well, Ki baby. You’re so good and so tight around me. I could just sit you there on my cock and watch you writhe forever. Touch yourself for me and I’ll fuck you harder til you come and then I’ll make you come again.”

Kihyun wrapped his hand around his own needy erection and almost came as soon he started pumping himself in time with each thrust into him. His body was so sensitive he felt like his nerves were on fire. 

“That’s it, Ki. So fucking good for me. This is why you’re my favourite lay.”

Kihyun came suddenly with a scream which bounced off the walls of the large bedrooms. Music to Hyungwon’s ears. He fucked him through his orgasm and pulled out to allow him to come down a little. He wasn’t sure how Kihyun was with overstimulation. 

“L-Let me turn o-over!” Kihyun panted. He wanted to see the other man and didn’t care if that made things too intimate for whatever their relationship was. 

“Wanna see me, baby? What a good idea.” He grinned and helped the other man flip around onto this back and tucked a pillow under his hips. The older thought Hyungwon looked incredible leaning over him like this. His disheveled blonde hair with the light behind him made him look like an ethereal being. He was so perfect. The only flaws on his skin were what Kihyun had left there and the ones from some other person which Kihyun hated. The only other real imperfection was an inch long scar right at the top of the model’s inner thigh. He had noticed it before and thought it was a strange place for someone to have a scar. 

“Stop looking like an angel when you’re the devil.” Kihyun thought out loud. 

“This is much better, I can see your pretty face. Will you let me keep fucking you and make you come again?” 

“Stupid question. Fuck yes.” Kihyun tried to lift his legs but he still felt boneless from his first orgasm. 

“I got you.” He hitched Kihyun’s legs up around his waist and eased himself back inside, watching the smaller man’s expression for any discomfort. 

“Oh my god.” Came a shaky groan as Kihyun tipped his head back into the pillow and arched his spine. The model fucked him slow and deep this time because he was on the edge of release, himself. He wanted this to last. Wanted to see Kihyun come before he got his own release but the tightness was coiling I’m his lower abdomen. 

Kihyun pulled him down closer and kissed him messily, moaning garbled nonsense into his mouth. 

“Will you let me come inside you, Ki?” He broke away to breathe. 

The thought of feeling Hyungwon filling him up with his come made Kihyun groan with want. “Oh fuck yes please come in me.” His fingernails clawed at whatever skin they could reach on the model. He was hard again and the friction on his cock from their bodies moving over each other was already making him shake. 

It didn’t take long for Kihyun to come again, spilling his come all over himself and Hyungwon. He had just enough wits left about him to bite into that mark someone else had left on the younger man as he came. 

“Ah! Ki!” Hyungwon yelped in both pain and pleasure, spilling himself deep inside Kihyun. His body went tense for a few seconds until he collapsed limply half on top of the other man. 

They both lay there panting, trying to catch their breath. Kihyun’s felt like he was in a daze.

“God that was so good.” Hyungwon kissed his shoulder lazily and rolled over onto his back next to him. “Could you hand me those?” He motioned to the pack of menthol cigarettes and a lighter on the table next to Kihyun.

“Bit old to be trying to fit in with the cool kids, aren’t you?” Kihyun grabbed the items and tossed them at Hyungwon who had rolled out of bed with the throw blanket at the bottom wrapped around him.

“Thanks.” He disappeared out onto the balcony to smoke, leaving Kihyun alone with his thoughts. 

He was exhausted, his ass hurt and he was gonna ache like crazy in the morning. Then another realisation hit. He’d just let Hyungwon fuck him without protection and even let him come inside him. What the fuck had he been thinking? He felt so unclean, suddenly acutely aware of the sweat and semen coating his body. 

_“Dont have a freak out. Not here. Not in front of him. You can freak out when you get home. Oh god I just need a shower. Clean myself off and clear my head. Hyunwoo is gonna kill me when he finds out about this. I’m gonna get a lecture for sure.”_ He thought. 

“Freezing out there!” Hyungwon exclaimed, coming back inside from the balcony. 

Kihyun eased himself off the edge of the bed, wincing at the burning pain in his ass and his lower spine. “Can I use your shower?” As he hauled himself up upright he shuddered at the undignified feeling of lube and semen dripping down his inner thigh. 

“Sure. Or you could just come back to bed. You look sore.” He dropped the blanket and lay back on the bed. 

No, he needed to be clean. He hated feeling dirty, physically or otherwise. “I’m not sleeping covered in jizz, thanks”

“Suit yourself.” Hyungwon stretched his long limbs out, unashamed in his nakedness. “Go ahead. Use any of the stacked towels.” He watched the photographer blush in embarrassment as he waddled to the ensuite bathroom. 

Once Kihyun was in the shower he picked out what looked like the most expensive soap Hyungwon owned and used it liberally, out of spite. He spent almost an hour scrubbing every single inch of his body and even took the opportunity to wash his hair with some fancy flowery shampoo. Even after he was clean he stood there there under the spray. The hot water running down over him was calming, washing away all the unwelcome thoughts and feelings. 

He almost jumped out of his skin when there was a knock at the bathroom door.

“You haven’t slipped and smashed your skull on my nice tile floor, have you? Brain matter is real hard to clean up.”

“No! Jeez, can’t wait to kick me out? Fucking charming.” He turned off the water and stepped out, grabbing a big fluffy white towel and dried off his body before moving onto his hair, knowing full well the semi permanent dye would leave stains all over it. 

Since when was he so petty? Ah, since always. Of course. 

When Kihyun opened the door to see Hyungwon back in the bed, he waved the stained towel at him to get his attention. “Oops.” He said flatly and tossed the towel into the hamper beside him before crossing the room back to where his clothes were strewn by the bed.

“You seem to love ruining expensive things. Maybe next time I’ll let you ruin me again, I’m very expensive.” Hyungwon was grinning like a Cheshire Cat. Not the cold soulless grin, this one actually seemed genuine. “You’re still all walking weird, I must have really done a number on you. You don’t have to go home, I changed the sheets while you were in the bathroom just in case you wanted to sleep here tonight. It’s almost morning anyway.”

“My hair’s still wet. It’ll stain your pillows, too.” He looked at the white pillows. 

“I don’t care. I’ll buy new ones. At the end of the day money has no real value.” Hyungwon shrugged.

“Spoken like someone with too much of it.”

“You’re hardly a struggling artist.”

“No, but I have struggled so I’m not frivolous.” His eyes moved to Hyungwon who was still naked and barely covered by the new sheets. He’d slept there last time he’d been to Hyungwon’s apartment but the other man had never stayed after they’d had sex at Kihyun’e place so he wasn’t sure where he stood on it. Did wanting to stay make him needy? But Hyungwon was the one offering after all. 

“Fine but I probably won’t sleep, I’ve been having trouble with that a lot lately.” He conceded defeat and slipped into the fresh sheets next to the beautiful model.

“Why’s that? Did I snore last time?”

“No. I just don’t sleep well. Last time I spent like 3 hours on my phone while you slept. My head is too busy. It’s a shame because sleep is the only escape I get from myself.” What was this, group therapy? Kihyun hoped they could drop the subject at that.

“I might be able to help with that.” Hyungwon leaned over and rummaged in the drawer beside his bed and pulled out two bottles of pills. 

“Looks like you’ve got a full pharmacy in there.” It really was a lot of pills. 

“There’s a pill for everything when you know a very understanding doctor with gambling debts to pay. Do you take anything right now?”

“Why?”

“So I don’t accidentally give you something that interacts badly with something you already take, stupid.”

“Uh Propranolol.” 

“Oh so you get panic attacks?” The casual tone to his question caught Kihyun a little by surprise. 

“It’s for heart palpitations and I get a nervous tremor in my hands sometimes.” It didn’t help the actual anxiety or his compulsions and it didn’t do anything stop the intrusive thoughts but it controlled his physical symptoms. That was good enough for him. 

“If dreamless unconsciousness for about 10 hours is what you want then take one of these. It’s called Zopiclone and it’ll knock you out in about 20 minutes.” Hyungwon rattled the half empty container. “Or if you just wanna slow your brain down so you can rest, try one of these. Pregabalin. It’s an anticonvulsant but it’s used for other stuff, too.” He raised the other bottle of small pills. 

“I don’t like the idea of not being in control of my mind. Those sound... scary.”

“There’s a difference between being out of control and chemically giving yourself a break. Do you really feel in control of your mind when it’s going a mile a minute?” Hyungwon seemed to ponder something for a moment. “Maybe something a little less unfamiliar for your first time.” He took out a Pregabalin and swallowed it dry before he tossed the bottles back into the drawer carelessly and removed some pills from blister packs. Four in total. 

“That seems a lot.” But the concept of a break from the storm inside his head was very tempting. 

“It’s not really. Ever taken codeine?” 

“I don’t think so. Maybe once when I hurt my back?” 

“This should do the trick then. 30mg of codeine and 60mg of nefopam. These other two are hyoscine butylbromide and ranitidine so the painkillers don’t do a number on your stomach.” The way he talked about it like it was the most normal thing in the world was kind of unsettling. 

“You really are a pill popper, aren’t you?” Kihyun half joked.

“We all have our vices and ways to cope. You’ll feel calm and floaty but not too much. It’ll just slow everything down. Don’t worry if you get a little itchy, that sometimes happens.”

“Y’know the scar on your inner thigh looks like the incision morticians make when they drain and embalm a body. At this point I’m almost convinced you’re dead both inside and out with pills, booze and and cigarettes keep you walking around.”

He saw Hyungwon’s expression falter for a moment, eyes widening and lips parting briefly. Had that struck a nerve? Maybe it wasn’t wise to joke about people’s addictions. 

“I assure you I’m very much alive and not patient zero in the zombie apocalypse.” He huffed out a fake laugh, fake to the point it sounded like he was too tired to bother making it sound real. “As for the scar, I’d tell you where it’s from but you don’t seem the type to enjoy a sob story.” He slid out of bed and brought Kihyun a bottle of water from the kitchen. 

Against his better judgement, Kihyun did take the pills. Hyungwon was right, it made him feel like his mind and body had slowed down. He felt like he didn’t need to breathe anymore and like his limbs were lighter than air. There was a strange but almost pleasant nausea and a gentle warmth. He soon fell asleep, vaguely aware of the warm naked body laying next to him. It was blissful. 

He could understand the appeal of the world melting away. He drifted gently to sleep after an hour, a new record for him. The exhaustion from being thoroughly fucked probably helped. 

 

———

 

Kihyun woke up a little after 8am with the driest mouth he’d ever experienced in his life. It was like his whole mouth and throat were full of sand and his stomach felt fragile. He rubbed his blurry eyes and glanced over at Hyungwon who was sleeping soundly next to him with an arm draped around Kihyun’s waist, which was pretty uncharacteristic of him. He had certainly never come across as a cuddler.

Kihyun took a second to wonder how someone he was sure had a significant evil streak could look so pure.

He reached over and grabbed the water bottle from the nightstand and downed it in one like a man who’d been lost in the Sahara for a month. It wasn’t enough, though. His mouth still felt so dry it made him linger on the edge of gagging. Carefully, he extracted himself from the warmth of the bed and the model’s grasp so he could drag himself to the kitchen. Damn, his body ached all over. Once he’d hobbled to the kitchen he proceeded to down four glasses of water. 

He was glad to have this unpleasant experience, in a way, because if he ever thought about taking those kinds of pills again he’d remind himself of these consequences. The sudden influx of water had apparently disagreed with his stomach because he had to fight off the wave of nausea to keep it down. 

“Oh yeah forgot to mention the dry mouth. Sorry.” Came an airy laugh from behind him. He whipped around and saw Hyungwon standing there in a loose shirt and grey skinny jeans. 

“I feel like shit.” He croaked. 

“As much as I love seeing you naked in my kitchen, I’m late for a shoot.” The model grinned and put a coffee mug under the machine. “You don’t have to leave til you’re ready. There’s a spare key on the hook by the microwave. 

Kihyun span back around to hide both his embarrassment and his nakedness. “Fuck you.”

“Maybe next time. Coffee?”

“Decaf?” Kihyun yelled back as he practically ran to the bedroom to at least put his hoodie and underwear back on.

“What kind of monster drinks decaf?! Gross.”

“The kind of monster who tries to avoid caffeine. I’ll take it you don’t have any, in that case. Just make me a weak one in that case.” Kihyun said, walking back into the kitchen. His purple hoodie came down below the line of his boxers and he had his hood pulled up in a pointless attempt to hide his bed messy hair.

“If you didn’t look so cute right now I’d probably take a more grim view of your coffee choices.”

“Quit calling me cute.”

“But you are cute.” Hyungwon poked the tip of Kihyun’s nose with his finger and Kihyun pretended to snap at it with his teeth. “Cute and bitey. Like a hamster.” He cooed and turned to make his coffee.

“Fuck off.” The shorter grumbled under his breath, despite fighting to keep a smile off his face. Not that he’d admit that.

 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

Over the following few weeks Kihyun remained at the model’s disposal, dropping everything to see him when he’d text. But on two of those occasions it was a little different. Kihyun’s anxiety had been pretty high and Hyungwon, being an expert at reading body language, could tell right away. And so on those evenings they didn’t have sex. They just hung out, ate and watched trash TV together. Hyungwon would gently play with his hair and tell him how pretty or cute he looked. By contrast the other times the model would seemingly do all he could to rile him up. Sometimes they’d have weirdly intimate sex and sometimes it was just purely angry sex.

He’d even cancelled on Hyunwoo twice to be with Hyungwon. 

Eventually, his best friend had come knocking on his door on his way home from work out of concern. Kihyun would have normally scolded him for dropping by unannounced but he was harbouring too much guilt for cancelling on him twice. Well, cancelling once and actually just outright standing him up another time. So he yielded, settling down ready to receive a lecture from the older. 

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Hyungwon. Which is fine but I’m concerned you’re...” He looked to where Kihyun was scratching at his own hands. They were reddened and irritated like he’d been doing it a lot. “...not doing great?”

“He drives me crazy. I don’t know if he’s pushing my buttons on purpose but I can’t say no. He’s an asshole but he’s also capable of being so sweet...” Kihyun couldn’t even be sure the sweetness was real or just another way of messing with him. 

“So are dating or something?”

“No. He just texts me and I come running dick first.”

“I’m just worried about you, Kihyun. You’re getting a little erratic. Maybe you should go back and have a cognitive behavioural therapy refresher.”

“I told you I’m not doing that again. It’s bullshit. It’s so fucking degrading to sit there and have someone suggest I change my way of thinking. If it was that fucking easy I’d have done it by now. I just don’t need you on my back right now!” Kihyun snapped at his friend and stood up. 

“I’m just trying to look out for you, Ki. You know you don’t notice changes in yourself sometimes. I promised I’d tell you if you start acting weird and so I am.” Hyunwoo stood, too. Kihyun had a habit of throwing things around the room when he was angry and he’d been caught in the crossfire before. 

“I said I don’t need you on my fucking back!” He shoved Hyunwoo, or at least tried to, his friend was built like a damn mountain.

“Ok, I can see you’re getting upset so we’ll drop it for now.” He raised his hands non-confrontationally, trying to diffuse the situation before it got out of control.

Kihyun opened his mouth to say something he’d probably regret, his friend was often a verbal punching bag, but he was distracted by his phone vibrating on the table. It was enough to bring his mind back to earth. 

“Sorry, Hyunwoo...” He unclenched his firsts and glanced over it and read the message. Apparently a photographer hadn’t showed up to the shoot at a modelling agency he was on the books of and they needed someone urgently. “I gotta go.”

“Everything ok?” Hyunwoo had that little wrinkle between his eyebrows that made Kihyun’s frustration melt into regret. He hated himself when he snapped at him because all Hyunwoo had ever done was look out for him. 

“Work. Can’t turn it down if I wanna upgrade my studio. I promise I’m not avoiding the subject.” He was avoiding it but that was just a happy coincidence. 

“Good luck and please think about what I said.” Hyunwoo put a reassuring hand on Kihyun’s shoulder. “Hey, How ‘bout we go out for dinner Saturday night? At the place by the station? It’s been forever since we did that. I miss you.”

“Yeah... Yeah, that sounds nice. Sorry for being a dick.”

“It’s ok, I understand.” It sounded like code for Hyunwoo being used to such outbursts and that fact made Kihyun’s heart clench painfully. “Hug?” Hyunwoo opened his arms.

“Fine, you big teddy bear.” Kihyun let himself be engulfed by his best friend’s strong rm embrace. It felt like home. Like safety. He’d stay there forever if he could. But he couldn’t, so he counted slowly to ten before pulling away. “I’ll text you after my shoot.” 

 

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

Hyungwon liked to get a look at the fresh meet at the modelling agency. There had been a lot of buzz about a female model who was joining from another agency. Apparently she was strikingly beautiful and it had been suggested he’d be enlisted on a joint project with her, since he was the top male model at the agency.

His manager informed him she was having her portfolio shots taken at the agency’s studio space that afternoon and so he’d decided to take it upon himself to go along and see this beauty with his own two eyes. When he walked into the large studio there were a number of people milling around and several different projects being done in the same space. 

He saw her at the back of room. There was a blank wall with lighting equipment where the portfolio shots were normally taken. His first thought was that she really was very striking. A beautifully symmetrical face and long glossy black hair curled into waves. She was slim but not wraithlike, she had some curvature to her body and ample breasts. Her skin was pale and flawless, like a china doll. She held herself perfectly in front of the camera. 

Speaking of the camera, Hyungwon’s attention was immediately taken away from the model to the man behind the camera. It was Kihyun.

He made his way closer so that he could hear their conversation but stayed back enough that he wasn't noticed amongst the people going about their work. Thankfully Kihyun had his back to him and the woman seemed too engrossed in her work and Kihyun to notice him either,

“I actually follow your work on instagram.” She said with a humble smile. “I’m quite a fan.”

“Oh thank you. Sorry, I’m not used to people saying they’re my fan.”

“Sorry, I’m embarrassing myself, aren’t I? I’m just so happy it’s you taking my shots. I know you’ll make me look really good.” She shifted her stance for another photograph. Shyness and flattery, oldest trick in the book, Hyungwon thought. 

“Not really a hard task, you’re very beautiful.” Was Kihyun flirting back? The thought of it made Hyungwon’s blood boil.

“You’ll make me blush and it’ll throw off the composition.” She giggled. Who the fuck did she think she was? The stupid bitch. Hyungwon had heard enough and he took his leave, cursing under his breath.

When he thought about it more his anger shifted from the girl to Kihyun. What the fuck did he think he was doing? Did he even like women? Why would he flirt with a dumb slut when he had Hyungwon? 

Hyungwon would get back at him for it. Teach him a lesson. Those shots would never see the light of day if he had anything to say about it. 

What was the point in having power if you couldn't abuse it to your own advantage? That advantage being to hurt someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no is Hyungwon really so far gone he’d sabotage Kihyun’s career out of spite? :0
> 
> Also: I generally try to update every weekend but upload days may be a little erratic in April as I shall be in Seoul and Busan during that time :D


	6. Wrath and Envy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon pushes Kihyun too far. He may have underestimated Kihyun’s tendency to lash out physically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a warning: The end of this chapter contains reference to a past suicide attempt but not in any great detail.  
> There is also some minor violence ahead.

Having dinner with Hyunwoo was nice, it always was. It allowed him to forget about Hyungwon and the contradictory things he made him feel for a few hours at the very least. 

They laughed and ate good food, Kihyun scolding Hyunwoo for taking things off the grill in the middle of the table too soon. Telling him he deserved food poisoning from undercooked chicken. Kihyun felt light, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders when he spent time with his best friend.

“I’m not staying at your place if it means looking after you when you have salmonella poisoning.” Kihyun smacked his hand away from the tongs. “You can’t cook anyway.” Hyunwoo only lived a five minute walk away and so they’d agreed on Kihyun staying at his place that night to save him walking the streets alone at night. 

“I slightly undercook chicken once and you haven’t let me man the grill since.” He laughed. 

“I bit into it Hyunwoo! I thought I was gonna die!”

“I actually ate it and I was fine. You made us leave so you could make me buy you like three bottles of antiseptic mouthwash.” 

Kihyun tried to glare but Hyunwoo’s laugh was infectious. “It’s not funny.” He said, despite not being able to keel the wide smile off his face. 

“I missed seeing you laugh and smile. Your smile is the best.” Hyunwoo sat back and let him control the grill.

Just like every time they ate dinner out together, they bickered over who would be paying. Hyunwoo always insisted on paying, despite Kihyun earning more money than him. Kihyun was stubborn, though. The times Hyunwoo had secretly payed for the meal while he was in the bathroom he’d slipped money into his wallet a few days later. They finally agreed on splitting the cost down the middle this time.

It was dark out by the time they left and there was a harsh chill in the air. The photographer wished he’d worn a warmer jacket or at least a scarf. He instinctively walked closer to Hyunwoo.

“Would it be weird if I asked to sleep with you tonight?” Kihyun mused suddenly as they walked down the street. 

“Uhhh are you asking me for sex?” Hyunwoo looked surprised. 

“No! Sleep! Just sleep! No sex!” As hot as Hyunwoo was, Kihyun didn’t need any more complications in his life. His friendship with the older was the most stable thing in his life and he needed it to remain like that. “If I meant sex I would have just said sex!”

“Oh thank God.” Hyunwoo let out a relieved breath. 

“Whoa, don’t sound so damn relieved about it. Jeez. You weren’t complaining any of the times you were balls deep in me.” Kihyun shoved at him as they walked but only really achieved knocking himself off balance. Damn, Hyunwoo was like the immovable object. 

“That...” the taller man paused, as if choosing his words carefully. “...was a long time ago.” 

“It still happened. Many times. Which is why I was asking if it would be weird for me to sleep in your bed with you when you have a perfectly good spare room. I like to think we are adult and comfortable enough with each other to not be awkward about it, though.”

“Oh, well I don’t think it’s weird. I certainly wouldn’t find it awkward. I’m just wondering why because that’s pretty unlike you. Last I checked you hated skinship.”

“I’m not sleeping well lately, there’s a lot on my mind and... you make me feel secure. I just could really do with some rest. Like I honestly just want to be close to someone who cares...” Kihyun looked away, embarrassed. “I don’t want to be a bother to you, though.”

“Ki, you’re my best friend and I love you to pieces. You’re never a bother to me.” He snatched Kihyun up into a bear hug right in the middle of the street.

“Yah! Too— t-too tight!!” Kihyun squeaked, feeling like one of those squeezy dog toys. 

“Sorry.” Hyunwoo laughed and set him back down, continuing to walk. 

“Hey, out of curiosity what would you have said if I really was asking you to have sex?” Kihyun rubbed the sides of his rib cage, Hyunwoo didn’t know his own strength sometimes. 

“I would say no.” Hyunwoo said without missing a beat. 

“Ouch.” Kihyun laughed. 

“Hear me out. I doubt it would ruin our friendship because it didn’t before but I wouldn’t want to take the risk. Besides, I feel like it would contribute to your emotional upset right now and I’d never want to do anything that would make you hurt.” Hyunwoo explained and linked their arms together as they wandered down the empty street. 

Kihyun was an idiot. A massive fucking idiot. If the stars had aligned differently, he and Hyunwoo may have been in a relationship still. Instead, here they were. Hyunwoo being the kindest soul on the planet and Kihyun being stuck whipped for someone who was knowingly ruining the years of progress he had made on his mental health. Why was his life such a fucking joke? Maybe it was a good thing they didn’t work out as a couple, Hyunwoo deserved so much better.

Hyunwoo never wanted anything from him. Just gave his love and friendship and asked for nothing in return. Always willing to be there whenever Kihyun needed him. Always there to pick him up and put him back together whenever he was broken.

“I’m sorry I’m such a mess.” Kihyun felt fragile and his voice came out small. Were it anyone else he wouldn’t want to show his weaknesses to them for fear of ridicule or having those weaknesses taken advantage of. But this was his best friend, the only person he could seek comfort from and actually ask for it out loud.

“Don’t get sad on me now, Ki.” Hyunwoo pulled him in closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulders to lead him across the street to his apartment building.

Kihyun followed along silently. 

Hyunwoo gave the younger a t-shirt of his to sleep in and a pair of boxers. The t-shirt was stupidly big on him and Kihyun was convinced his friend had chosen the biggest one he owned on purpose. He marched out of the bathroom to complain about it but his irritation melted away when he saw what his friend was doing. He was putting Kihyun’s clothes in the washer on a quick cycle so they’d be clean and dry for the morning. He always did that when Kihyun stayed over. He knew how much Kihyun hated putting on the pervious day’s worn clothes. No matter how drunk or tired or what state they were in he always did it. 

“Awww you look so cute Ki!” Hyunwoo laughed. 

“Yeah yeah. I’m short and have the suggestion of muscles while you’re unnecessarily tall and stacked as fuck. I get it.” Kihyun rolled his eyes. 

“Sorry, I didn’t have anything else soft enough to sleep in that was clean.” He held his hands up. 

They slipped into bed together, Kihyun curling close to his best friend, enjoying the comfort. His physical exhaustion hitting him as soon as his head hit the pillow. He relaxed, sleep starting to settle over him.

“Please stay away from him. I’m scared for you.” Hyunwoo murmured while Kihyun was on the edge of sleep. Those words made his heart clench. 

_“I can’t stay away.”_ Kihyun thought, pretending to be asleep so he wouldn’t have to admit it out loud. 

Despite that painful thought, Kihyun slept better than he had in a very long time. Hyunwoo was like a security blanket around him. Warm and safe. The man practically radiated a comfortable warm glow. In his sleep, Kihyun burrowed deeper into his friend’s embrace. 

 

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

Hyungwon had quickly learned that Kihyun could be volatile. It was like the photographer was a constantly burning flame, Hyungwon seemingly had a taste for playing with fire. Compelled to fan the flames and watch them grow until everything was burned to the ground. He was a fast leaner, it didn’t take long at all for him to know exactly the kind of things that would add fuel to the fire. 

If Kihyun was fire then Hyungwon was kerosene. 

He’d told the CEO of the modelling agency he should have the new model’s portfolio shots re-taken by a different photographer because the ones Kihyun had taken were ugly and that he was extremely unprofessional. Even though he was sure the shots Kihyun had taken were great, not that he’d looked at them. He didn’t want to see how the stupid bitch’s face was captured by Kihyun. 

After that he’d left it be, waiting for when the photographer would inevitably find out on his own without Hyungwon pushing the subject. He wanted Kihyun to know it was him that did it but he had other obsessions besides the photographer to focus on, namely his fashion label. This slow burning torment was perfect as it allowed him to devote time to his business while he waited for the pay-off. 

He’d acquired offices spaces for his label only a few weeks prior. His line was growing and he’d hired more staff. He should be happy about his success but he was still waiting for the sense of satisfaction to kick in. 

Or to feel anything, really. He was bored. So bored with everything, life in general. 

He was sat in his new office after hours when he received a text message from Kihyun asking where the fuck he was. Ah, finally some entertainment. He sent the photographer the address of the building and the floor and door number for where he was as well as the entry code since everyone else had gone home. 

He sat back and waited with an eager anticipation. Excitement? The lack of reply and the wording of his message asking where he was gave him the distinct impression Kihyun was pissed at him. Finally he must have found out why his photographs were dropped by the agency. 

This was going to be fun. 

It didn’t take long for the door to crash open, revealing a really fucking angry looking Kihyun. More angry than he’d ever seen him before. 

Yep, this really was going to be fun. _”I love hurting you, don’t I? But I want you.”_ He wasn’t sure if it was better or worse that he was completely self aware. He just loved how he could draw such extreme emotions out of the other man. Control. Was that it?

“You!” Kihyun forced out through clenched teeth. 

“Me?” Hyungwon’s smirk was cold and unsettling, sat there like some kind of super villain. Kihyun looked at him like he was looking Satan himself in the eye. 

“Yes you! I know it was you who fucking sabotaged me! Saying my photos were ugly! That I wasn’t professional! They fucking dropped me from their books Hyungwon!” He picked up a nearby vase and launched it at the wall, dangerously close to Hyungwon’s head. “Do you realise how fucking bad that looks for me!? People in this industry fucking talk!”

“Calm down. It was only constructive criticism.” Hyungwon had ducked away from the shower of vase shards but remained seated and calm at the desk. Keeping his face neutral. He knew Kihyun hated that. He knew full well he was about to tip him off the edge but he couldn't stop himself from pushing. “I only bought that vase yesterday, by the way.” He added. 

“Are you trying to ruin my career? Is that it?” There was a chair on his side of the desk and so he grabbed it, throwing it across the room at the wall to try and release some of his anger on the inanimate object. “Why would you do this!?” The chair broke on impact, damaging the wall at the same time. 

“So come onto my books. I need a good photographer for my clothing line.” He didn’t even flinch when the chair crashed into the wall but his heart was hammering in his chest. Kihyun could really hurt him if he wanted to but he didn’t care. It was thrilling. 

Kihyun brought his fist down on the large wooden desk. It should have hurt but he didn’t feel anything. “Why the fuck do you torture me? Do you hate yourself and your sad fucking life so much you need to hurt others?”

“I saw you drooling all over that dumb slut while you took pictures of her. Did you fuck her after? Bet her pussy was like a bat cave but at least those titties looked like they’d bounce good.” Hyungwon gave a nasty smirk. 

“So that’s it? It’s ok for you to fuck around with everything that moves but I can’t talk to a woman? Fucking hypocrite!” Kihyun reached over and grabbed Hyungwon by the hair, pulling him forward so half of his body was leaning over the desk. That smirk was still on the model’s face, though. God, how he wanted to smack that smirk off his face. 

Hyungwon had to push further. He kept his voice monotone and level. “I can do whatever the fuck I like and you’ll let me because you can’t be without me now, can you? I don’t like it when my things let themselves get played with by someone else.” He added a condescending lilt to his words at the end, driving the proverbial knife deeper. His words were awful even to himself but they just kept coming. 

Kihyun reached boiling point. He snapped and pulled Hyungwon over the desk entirely and onto the floor. Despite their difference in height Kihyun was stronger, a lot stronger it seemed. He was on the model instantly, pinning him down hard into the floor by his chest. “Fuck you!” He lifted him by the front of his shirt and slammed him back down into the floor, causing Hyungwon to hit the back of his head harshly on the hard flooring. 

The blonde’s vision split into two for a few seconds. He made a small pained noise but Kihyun had practically his full body weight on his chest and it restricted his lungs. 

When the double vision passed he tried to speak. “K-Ki—” Was all he could choke out. Suddenly he was scared. He had pushed too hard and completely lost all control of the situation. Yes. This was exciting. Exhilarating. 

“Not so full of yourself now, huh?! You cocky fucking bitch!” He pulled him up and slammed him back down again. This time the jolt of the impact caused Hyungwon to bite his own tongue. “I fucking hate you! So fucking much, Hyungwon!” Kihyun was shaking with rage. He could just keep slamming this manipulative son of a bitch into the floor until he broke. 

Blood from his tongue trickled down the back of Hyungwon’s throat, causing him to choke on it. He couldn’t cough it away or spit it out because of the weight on his chest. He struggled, scratching at Kihyun’s arms to get him to let up. His head hurt and his chest burned. True panic rising. 

_“I’ve gone too far. He’s lost it. He’s going to kill me. Oh god. I don’t want to die.”_ Hyungwon thought as he struggled. 

Kihyun looked him straight in the eye, seeing the pure panic there. His rage ebbed away as the realisation of what he was doing struck him like a freight train. His heart was going a mile a minute. Fuck, he’d completely lost it. 

Kihyun launched himself away from Hyungwon as if he was on fire. He scrambled away until his back was against the wall. His chest hurt. He couldn’t breathe. It was tight. Oh god. There was blood. He couldn’t look at Hyungwon. Directly. Couldn’t look at the consequences of his violent outburst.

As soon as he was free, Hyungwon rolled himself onto his side, gasping a coughing. He spat blood onto the floor and looked across at where Kihyun sat staring at his own hands with wide eyes. Both men were shaking. 

“I’m sorry.” Hyungwon rasped out. 

“Liar.” Kihyun spat, closing his eyes and burying his face in his palms.

He was right. He wasn’t sorry. Not really. “Fuck... my tongue won’t stop bleeding.” He spat out more the blood pooling in his mouth. There was a lot. “Shit.” He gagged on the metallic taste.

“Let me see. Come over here.” Kihyun finally sighed, forcing himself to look at Hyungwon.

It took a few seconds for the model to comply but eventually he crawled over to the other man and opened his mouth.

“Stick your tongue out otherwise I can’t see.”

When he stuck his tongue out it caused blood to drip down his chin. Kihyun ran his finger across the bitten area slowly, making Hyungwon wince in pain. It was a nasty bite but nothing too serious. It was going to hurt for a while, that was for sure. He withdrew his finger from the other’s mouth. 

“You’ll survive. It’s just bleeding a lot because your tongue has a lot of blood supply. It’ll stop soon.”

“I’m sorry.” Hyungwon said again. Maybe it would become true if he said it enough. 

“Stop saying that. You do it on purpose, don’t you? You’re sick. You want to end up in a hospital bed?”

“No. You just...make me feel something.”

“Yeah. I make you feel pain by almost cracking your skull on the floor.”

“Pain is better than nothing.” And fear. Fear was better than nothing, too. 

“Don’t say stupid shit. I should stay away from you. For both of us. You’re a poisonous snake. You fuck with my head for the sheer fun of it, don’t you? You know what? I’m angrier at myself because I fucking let you.”

“You won’t walk away.” 

“Watch me.” Kihyun’s shoved him away and stood up, quickly leaving the room. Hyungwon was left alone on the floor with blood still trickling from his tongue and his head throbbing. 

“You’ll come back!” 

 

 

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

After the incident, Hyungwon ended up heading to a bar he often frequented, drinking himself into enough of a stupor that he was thrown out. Somehow his body and brain joined forces to get him to Hoseok’s apartment. The cold weather helped him sober up enough to at least walk in a straight line. 

When his friend opened the door to him he looked both worried and exasperated. He bundled Hyungwon inside and sat him down on the couch with a large glass of water. 

“Drink up. I’ll get you some food to soak up some of that booze.” 

Hyungwon didn’t complain or fight him on it. He did what he was told, drinking the water steadily as his friend disappeared to the kitchen. His head still hurt and the cold water stung his tongue. He set down the glass after he drank all of the water and closed his eyes so he’d feel less dizzy.

“You gonna tell me what happened to make you get so trashed?” Hoseok asked, walking back into the room after putting rice in the cooker.

“I went too far.” He admitted. 

“What do you mean?”

“I was jealous. Pushed Kihyun too hard. He flipped and I thought he was gonna smash my brains out on the floor or something.”

“Shit are you ok? He hit you!?” Hoseok sat next to him.

“I deserved it. I sabotaged his shoot with a new model. I couldn’t fucking stand the idea of him paying that dumb bitch attention and not me. I’m selfish and I can’t stop thinking about him! Now he won’t want me anywhere near him again. I wanted to hurt him and he knew it.” He was shaking again. 

“Calm down. Breathe.”

“I’m a sicko. Why the fuck do you give a shit about me?” He grabbed his friend’s shoulders. 

“You’re my best friend. That’s why.” 

The room was spinning and so was Hyungwon’s stomach. 

Hoseok. Sweet Hoseok, someone who actually wanted him around. Hyungwon’s brain was fuzzy with alcohol and the sudden need to be wanted. To be needed. Without warning he pressed his lips against his best friend’s harshly. 

Hoseok didn’t pull away from the kiss but he didn’t reciprocate, either. Hyungwon took the lack of outright rejection as a go-ahead.

“You like me, don’t you? Please. I need to be wanted, Hoseok.” He sounded so fucking pathetic, like some miserable desperate creature. Maybe Hoseok would pity fuck him. “Please let me make you feel good.” He moved to straddle the other man’s lap and kissed down his friend’s neck, licking and sucking at sensitive areas expertly, even in his alcohol soaked state. 

“I— I don’t. I’m str—” Hoseok tried to protest. 

“Oh come off it I’ve had sex with straight men before. I’m still a hole to fuck, right? You don’t gotta touch my dick. T-Take me from behind and you won’t have to see my face. I got a pretty waist for you to grab onto. Please use me.” He was a sad sight, wasn’t he? He deserved to be used.

“Me aside, you’re drunk and upset, you don’t want this.” Hoseok pushed Hyungwon back by the shoulders. 

“I do! I can suck you off instead. You say you like my lips.” He wanted to cry. God, he wished he could just burst into tears. 

“No.” 

“Please Hoseok, why won’t you? I’m ugly inside but not outside, right?” He ground his hips harshly into Hoseok’s crotch. 

“Hyungwon stop!” He grabbed onto Hyungwon’s hips to stop him moving them.

“I’m begging you. I wanna be worth something!” He moved back in to kiss Hoseok again but firm but careful hands removed him from his friend’s lap and eased him down onto the soft couch cushions. 

“Please don’t talk that way. You’re worth more than your body. You’re worth everything to me because you’re my best friend.” Hoseok was crying. He’d made him cry. 

“I can’t do that...”

“Do what?” 

“Cry...” He wanted to. God he really did want to. He’d kill or die to be able to let out the explosion of emotions building up behind his eyes. It was agony. 

“It’s ok...” Hoseok said softly and pulled Hyungwon back up against him. “I can cry enough for you, too.”

Hyungwon clung to him desperately. Like he was floating debris in the middle of the ocean during a storm. “I’m sorry.”

“Just please don’t talk like that. It scares me.” Hoseok sniffled. 

“I can’t let him leave me.” Hyungwon rushed out, like an admission.

“But you hurt each other.”

“I thought he was going to kill me, Hoseok. I was scared. Actually scared. He makes me feel alive enough to care if I died. It felt amazing to fear for my life.”

Hoseok didn’t say anything after that. What could he say? He just held Hyungwon until he felt the alcohol won and made him fall asleep, body finally. relaxing. 

 

———

 

Hyungwon woke up in a bed that wasn’t his own with a blinding headache. He looked around in confusion for a moment before the memories of the previous night came flood back. Of course, this was Hoseok’s bed. He looked over to the night stand to see a glass of water and some aspirin. He was going to need something a hell of a lot stronger than that but the thought was appreciated. He swallowed the pills and drank the contents of the glass. 

He lay back down to stare at the ceiling for a while longer before dragging himself out of the bedroom. Hoseok must have taken his shoes and jeans off before putting him to bed because Hyungwon was at least 98% sure he’d fallen asleep on the couch with him. He staggered out to the kitchen where he found his friend eating a bowl of rice at the counter. 

“Hey... sorry about my behaviour last night...” He said carefully. 

“It’s ok. How are you feeling?”

“Fucking awful.”

“Rice and coffee?”

“Sure.” He sat at the counter, rubbing his face. The coffee would make him feel better and maybe the rice would settle his stomach. “Thanks, by the way. You’re the best.”

“Ah I know I’m the best.” Hoseok smiled and set the coffee down in front of him.

“Am I a bad person, Hoseok?”

“No. But maybe I’m bias in my opinion because I’ve known you forever. I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think some of the things you do are bad, though.” He scooped some rice into a bowl and more for himself. 

“Isn’t that the same thing?” 

“No. You’re hurt, not bad.” Hoseok set the bowl in front of him with a set of chopsticks. 

“That was a very diplomatic answer.” 

“Don’t get me wrong, you’re an asshole.”

“Ah that’s more like it.” He sighed deeply and prodded at the rice with chopsticks, wondering of he could stomach any kimchi. “I’m so embarrassed about last night, I wasn’t in my right mind.” Memories of begging his straight friend to fuck him flashed through his brain. 

“You really scared me, y’know. The things you were saying broke my heart. The image of you in a blood filled bath tub will never leave me, Wonnie. So when you talk like that I get terrified. Please don’t let yourself get to that point again, you know you can always talk to me.” Hoseok was tearing up again. 

“I won’t put you through that again. I promise.” 

_“If I ever try to end it all again I’ll make sure I don’t fail and you’re not the one who finds me.”_ He thought, grimly. Not that he was at that level of desperation. 

He ate about half the rice in the bowl but drank the coffee and then another, this time with some sugar added. His stomach wouldn’t allow him to consume anything else for now. He took a long hot shower and borrowed Hoseok’s makeup to hide the dark circles under his eyes. He just needed to look and feel a bit more human before he could leave. 

When he emerged fully dressed and put together Hoseok was scrolling through his Instagram on the couch. 

“I still have more followers than you.”

“Not for long! I’m catching up to you.” Hoseok poked his tongue out at him. 

“Hmm I think Kihyun even has more than you, too.”

“I think you like him a lot.” Hoseok observed. “So why hurt him?”

“Power.” Hyungwon said simply. Because that’s what it boiled down to, right? Ugly inside. Pretty outside. 

 

 

_“Do I love him? Maybe. Is it normal to love something and want to destroy it?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two are some messed up boys, right?
> 
> Who will go crawling back first? 
> 
> You may have noticed some extra tags added which will come to fruition in the next chapter ;D 
> 
> Again apologies, updates will be a little scattered in April because I will be travelling during that time. Look out Seoul I’m coming haha


	7. Let Me Kill You, Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon gets a phone call from a stranger. When presented with the opportunity, will Hyungwon help Kihyun or hurt him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is quite a long chapter! Is that good or bad? Haha! I’m so jet lagged I don’t even know what day of the week it’s @_@ 
> 
> Warnings: Kihyun’s struggles with his mental health come out a lot more in this chapter and there’s also a brief description of Hyungwon’s experience of depression.

—

 

 

He wasn’t going to think about Hyungwon. He wasn’t going to keep glancing at his phone to see if the devil in human skin had messaged him. 

Who was he kidding?

He couldn’t get Hyungwon out of his head and he found himself spending these past three days obsessively checking his phone. The only thing which stopped him messaging the other man was his sheer stubbornness. 

His phone dinged on the table and he grabbed it quickly. 

_Hyunwoo 11:01am  
You’ve been quiet, everything ok?_

It wasn’t Hyungwon.... just Hyunwoo....

As soon as he felt the disappointment that it wasn’t Hyungwon, he felt a flood of guilt for wanting it to be the model and not his best friend. His friend whom he’d been neglecting over the last few days. But even the guilt was short lived because everything was engulfed in the flames of sudden anger. He stood and threw his phone across the room, causing it to break into pieces. 

Thoughts of _“That fucker, how could he have me so stuck on him?!”_ meeting the _“I’m the bad one though, aren’t I? Look at me. I can’t control myself. He didn’t hurt me physically and I tried to smash him through the fucking floor!”_. He was getting upset and frustrated. Water. He needed water. He took himself away to the kitchen, trying to concentrate on his breathing. 

_“I don’t fucking deserve anyone!”_

When Kihyun lost his temper it was like everything else in the universe dropped away. Like there was nothing else but him and whatever or whoever was in front of him to take out his anger on. He was always left feeling guilty after. For smashing a mug, breaking a window, saying hurtful things or physically going for someone. That was the worst. When he actually hurt someone. But in the heat of the moment it didn’t matter, nothing mattered. 

Until Hyungwon came into his life he hadn’t truly lost to for a few years. He thought he had a handle on it, but Hyungwon pushed him over the edge. Even when he was angry he was normally able to keep himself from boiling over, unless his anxiety was especially high or he was uninhibited by alcohol. But even then, the only casualties these days were inanimate objects. 

How could he have let himself slip so badly? Maybe he really did need to go back to therapy. Or take his meds again. But they stifled his creativity, he couldn’t do what he loved when he took them. What was the point if he couldn’t have art in his life?

He shuddered at the thought. Fuck this. 

He filled a glass with water and drank some of it slowly. Fire was beginning to build up in his head again. Emotion trying to find a way out.

His heart was racing, pounding in his chest. Frustration clawing at the inside of his skull, trying to escape. 

He’d done so well for so long. Become so functional. Now he was throwing it all away over someone who clearly viewed him as some sort of toy. Fuck. Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he be normal? He closed his eyes but he couldn’t calm down. He tried to concentrate on something physical but his brain wouldn’t let him. 

The world fell away and he slammed the glass down onto the kitchen counter, causing it to shatter. Shards of glass burying themselves into his palm.

The sharp pain suddenly brought him out of his spiralling thought process. There was blood spilling everywhere, dripping all over the floor and the counter. 

Oh shit. 

Oh fuck. 

Fuck.

 

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

Hyungwon was going crazy. He couldn’t get the violent little jerk off his mind. He also couldn’t let go of how alive he felt laying on the floor with double vision and blood trickling down his throat, not being able to breathe. 

He tried to throw himself into his work as a distraction but on this particular day he just couldn’t find the motivation to move himself out of bed. He just wanted to lay there in a state of semiconsciousness and let the world pass over him. 

But his goddamn phone kept ringing. 

He wondered if he could stand the noise for long enough to let the damn thing run out of battery. The model reached over to a mostly empty bottle of expensive vodka and took a swig, not even flinching at the burning sensation in his throat and sting in his tongue. 

In the end, his frustration and curiosity got the better of him. Who would be trying to get ahold of him so desperately? Part of him thought maybe it would be Kihyun, but he knew better than that. It was probably his manager or Hoseok. 

He physically rolled off the bed onto the floor, body feeling like a bag of sand. A horrible slow nothingness sitting heavily in his head. He was still half tangled in his blankets when he crawled the short distance to the dresser where his phone lay. He grabbed it and rolled over to lay on his back on the plush carpet. This feeling was painfully familiar. Depression was a black dog which always seemed to be there, never really leaving him.

Seventeen missed calls from a number he didn’t recognise. 

_“Huh. Not Hoseok. Maybe he finally stopped giving a shit. Long overdue.”_

He hauled himself up off the floor with the intention of going straight back to bed. He should really take his meds now while he was already upright and had no intention of leaving his bed once he got back in it. Hyungwon made his way to the bathroom, running his hand through his hair and setting his phone down beside the sink. He opened the cabinet, removing some pills and swallowing them with a minimal handful of water from the faucet. He coughed slightly as one got stuck in his dry throat. 

“What a fitting way to die, choking to death on antidepressants.” He said into the mirror. 

His stomach growled at him. Not surprising since it had been almost 24 hours since he last ate. It just seemed like a pointless waste of effort, it wasn’t like he was about to starve to death. He stood, gazing into thin air for some amount of time. 

The model almost jumped out of his skin when his phone started ringing again. The unknown number. He contemplated just turning the thing off but he couldn’t help wondering who would be so persistent. Maybe Hoseok got a new phone number or something. 

“Hello?” He croaked. 

“Chae Hyungwon?” An unfamiliar voice asked. 

“Who wants to know?” God, his voice sounded rough. Must be the vodka. 

“My name is Hyunwoo. I’m Kihyun’s friend. I—”

“Oh let me guess. You wanna yell at me? Well your little friend almost cracked my skull like an uncooked egg so yell at him, too.” Hyungwon cut him off. He wasn’t in the mood to be yelled at. He wasn’t really in the mood for anything at all. 

“Excuse me? No I— look, I will admit I have certain opinions I’ve formed on you from what I heard but I try not to judge a person I’ve never met. Anyway I—”

“How did you get my number?” He interrupted again. 

“I took it in case I ever had to contact you. In case you broke him, so I could inform you of the consequences.”

“How overprotective of you. I bet Kihyun doesn’t know you have my number. He’ll probably be mad.” The blonde drawled. 

“He will be. Look, I’m calling because the hospital contacted me earlier. Kihyun’s in the emergency room, he hurt himself on some glass or something. Physically he’s fine apparently but I need someone to go be with him because he’s gonna be freaking out. He’s gonna be alone with his thoughts and that’s never good. I’m stuck in work and I can’t leave right now. He’s at the National University Hospital and I work in SMC.”

That was unexpected. “You want me to go? Aren’t you afraid I’m the literal last person he needs around right now if he’s freaking out?”

There was a long pause. “Yes. But there’s nobody else. I can’t send one of my friends because they’re strangers to him. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a last resort. Please. I’m begging you. Please don’t kick him while he’s down. If a single scrap of you cares about him you won’t prey on him now.”

Hyungwon wasn’t sure he could promise that. He wished he could, though. Wished he could show himself he’s not a terrible person to the core. “Ripping someone apart when they’re already down isn’t fair game.” With that, Hyungwon ended the call before Hyunwoo could say anything else. 

Now all he had to do was convince himself to get his ass out of his apartment. Easier said than done. 

The thought made him almost shudder. He couldn’t. He couldn’t face the world today. It he had to. His stomach flipped over when he considered how busy and chaotic it was going to be in the ER. Fuck.

 _“I wanted to see him again and here’s the opportunity. Fuck. I need to get my shit together. He needs me..... why do I care so much?”_ Being worried about someone other than himself was a rare phenomenon. _“Pretty rich of me, considering I drive him crazy for shits and giggles. But the person I used to be would have cared, right? That person would have done anything to help. That’s because the old me was weak. Easily taken advantage of. That’s why he’s dead.”_

 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

“Sir, could you please take a seat?” An exasperated and overworked nurse huffed. 

“No. I can’t.” Kihyun was standing in the middle of the ER. His injured hand wrapped in bandages and held up elevated, his other arm crossed over his chest so that his fingers could tap compulsively at his own reddening collar bone. 

“Why not?” She sighed. She probably didn’t have time for this shit. 

Kihyun just wanted to cry. To just let go and sob. Or scream. “I just fucking can’t.” He couldn’t explain it to her, it didn’t even make sense to himself. It didn’t have to.

Thankfully, the nurse walked away. His minor relief was short lived because she soon returned with an observation machine. “The doctor prescribed some pain relief and antibiotics as a precaution, we just need to take your vitals and insert a cannula before we can give it to you.”

Kihyun had witnessed that machine being attached to at least 7 other patients before him without being cleaned in between. He wanted to move away from the thing but his body wouldn’t obey. “Please. Clean it first.” He forced out. It was getting hard to even speak.

The nurse gave him a look before hurriedly cleaning the wires and blood pressure cuff with the alcohol wipes. “You really should be sat down for this.”

“I c-can’t. Why don’t you understand that I just fucking can’t! Please. I’m begging you.” He sounded pathetic now. He was begging but he didn’t know what for. For help?

“Alright, give me your arm.” She was frowning in that way people did when they saw one of Kihyun’s rather spectacular breakdowns, where he was left stuck inside his own head. 

Kihyun obeyed reluctantly and allowed the blood pressure cuff to be wrapped around his good arm and a grey peg to be applied to his index finger. He couldn’t see the screen on the monitor but he noticed the nurse raise her eyebrows at the readings as the cuff tightened and released on his arm. 

“I wanna see.” 

The nurse paused for a second to write the observations down before turning the screen around so he could see. 

Heart rate 132bpm  
Blood pressure 163/92  
Oxygen saturation 100%

“Do you suffer with panic attacks, sir?”

He nodded. They were more like anxiety attacks but he didn’t want to speak again to explain. 

She nodded and removed the monitoring. “Would it be helpful to you if we placed you into a side room?”

He nodded again. 

It took a few hours for a side room to be come available but honestly, Kihyun had lost his sense of time anyway. Once he was there he declined pain relief, only accepting the intravenous antibiotics. A doctor also came to him with some pills he said were a different kind of antibiotic but it seemed strange to Kihyun. Why give antibiotics in pill form as well as intravenous? That just didn’t make sense. 

He took the pills anyway. They didn’t have the typical taste and smell of an antibiotic. After twenty minutes or so it became apparent the doctor had lied to him and given him a sedative. 

 

—————

 

Hyungwon hated hospitals. They reminded him of rock bottom. He tugged his mask up higher on his face, the last thing he wanted was to be recognised right now. He really should have worn sunglasses, too. He adjusted his baseball cap. He was dressed in sweats and a hoodie, hopefully he looked unlike himself enough to not raise any eyebrows. 

“I’m looking for Yoo Kihyun.” He stated to the bored looking receptionist. 

“Ah yes, he’s down that hallway on the left. We had to put him in a side room. Door number three. Please tell him he needs to stay in there so they can take him for surgery. He keeps trying to wander off.”

Surgery? What the hell did he do? “Thanks.” He nodded and made his way down to the room. 

When he entered, he found Kihyun sat bolt upright on a hospital bed, folding a piece of paper incredibly neatly in a concertina like a paper fan. It seemed to take a lot of concentration, especially with one hand being bandaged up. 

“Kihyun?” He asked carefully. He doubted the photographer would be happy to see him.

There was no response. Kihyun didn’t seem to even notice him. 

“Ki?” He asked, louder this time. 

Still nothing. 

Hyungwon walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Hey. Kihyun.”

As soon as the hand made contact with his shoulder the other man recoiled sharply, almost jumping off the bed. “Hyungwon? The fuck are you doing?!” 

“Your friend called me. Hyunwoo? He’s stuck at work and he said you’d be freaking out.”

“Well fuck off. I don’t want you or anyone else here.” He bit. _“Because I don’t want you to see me like this.”_

“Well too bad. I’m here now. I had to wade through the horde of fucking sickies out there.” He reached out again with his hand but Kihyun moved away, looking at his hand like it was something radioactive. 

“Don’t touch me.” Kihyun was like a frightened feral cat. Wide eyed and ready to defend himself. Stuck in fight or flight mode. 

“Ok, jeez. What the fuck did you do, anyway?”

“Broke a glass.” He answered shortly. He looked so tense and his words were coming out slightly slurred. 

“You must be on some good pain meds. You sound kinda drunk.” Hyungwon said as he sat himself down in the chair next to the bed. 

“No. They tricked me into taking something like diazepam. You smell like booze.” Kihyun hated how muddy his brain felt. The drugs didn’t stop the onslaught of thoughts, it just made them bleed together and become thick and slow enough to stick to the inside of his head. 

Hyungwon shrugged. There were worse things to smell of than alcohol and he hadn’t showered since the previous morning. “Are you ok? I hate that question but I’m asking you it anyway. Tell me honestly.”

“No.” Kihyun’s muscles tightened up further, if that was at all possible. “They said I need surgery and I can’t.” Tears started to roll down his cheeks. _“Help me. Please. I don’t know how. I don’t know what you can do but please help me. Someone. Anyone.”_

“Why? They know what they’re doing. An anaesthetic is like closing your eyes and opening them again.”

“I can’t have an anaesthetic. I can’t give someone control over whether I live or die. They stop you breathing and have you on a ventilator. The drugs reduce your cardiac output and while I’m asleep for all I know the surgeon could be scratching his arse half way through the procedure and I’ll get an infection and lose my hand! What if he hasn’t slept or his wife left him this morning? I’ll be asleep and will have no fucking idea what’s happening to me!” Kihyun stopped himself before more of his thoughts verbalised themselves. He hated people seeing how bad his brain could get. 

_“He doesn’t understand. He can’t understand. Even I fucking don’t. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this! Are my middle fingers numb? I can’t tell. Fuck is it nerve damage? I can’t fucking do this!”_ It was as if this situation was a perfect composition of Kihyun’s personal hell. Taylor made for him and him alone. The loss of control over his situation. His bodily autonomy going out the window. Relying on others to do everything perfectly with no I put himself. The risk to his hand. He could die or be maimed for life. Sure, it wasn’t a massive cut but if it got infected it would be a disaster. 

“Whoa. Ok hold up.” Hyungwon could see the panic starting to spill over in the other man. “I want you to take my hand, Ki. Please.” He said steadily, remembering the times Hoseok had talked him down. He looked at the folded paper on the bed. Kihyun obviously needed to focus on something singular to keep himself grounded. 

Kihyun didn’t move.

“I’m going to hold your hand. Please don’t freak out on me.” Hyungwon carefully took Kihyun’s good hand. “Listen to me. You are safe. Just feel my hand in yours. Take a breath in every time I move my thumb upwards and exhale when I move it downwards.”

Kihyun’s hand twitched in response. 

“Good.” Hyungwon gently swiped his thumb up over the back of his hand, paused, then brought it back down. He repeated the action until Kihyun’s breathing fell into rhythm with it. _“Am I only doing this to make you need me? Or do I care for you this much?”_ Hyungwon didn’t know the answer. 

“Thank you...” The photographer finally breathed out shakily. 

“I’m going to go speak with the doctor, ok? See if there are any other options here.” Hyungwon went to move away but the grip on his hand tightened. 

“Please don’t go...” After all, Hyungwon had seen him at his weakest point already. He had no dignity left. 

“I’ll be right back. I bet it’s hard to articulate when you’re feeling like this, isn’t it? So maybe if I speak to the doctor we can see if there’s anything else that can be done.”

Reluctantly, Kihyun loosened his grip and picked up the piece of folded paper on the bed. He continued to fold it, needing to occupy himself _“Fold it perfectly. Think of nothing else. Zero in on it. Just this. Just the paper. Ignore the pain. Just the paper..... But why is Hyungwon acting so caring? Like Hyunwoo would.... no, don’t think about him. Just the paper. Line it up perfectly and carefully fold it over. Yes, that’s it. Perfect.”_

After a lot of persuasion and smooth talking on Hyungwon’s part, they agreed to wash out and close Kihyun’s injury under local anaesthetic in the ER. With the understanding that if they find too many glass fragments or more damage than expected he would have to go into surgery. They warned him it would likely be painful, even with the lignocaine injections but Kihyun still refused pain relief. 

It did hurt and Kihyun had to grit his teeth but he’d take the physical pain over the alternative any day. He felt Hyungwon take his other hand. 

“You can squeeze as hard as you like.” Hyungwon said and Kihyun took him up on it. Squeezing his hand hard through the pain. 

“Th-Thank you.” Kihyun bit out, feeling the forceps dig into an especially sensitive area of his hand. 

“Don’t thank me.”

“Too bad, I’m thanking you. You’re still a jerk, though. Ow!” 

“I’m sorry, Ki.” 

“It might be the sedative but I think I believe you, against my— ah! My better judgement.”

“I care...”

 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

Kihyun had let Hyungwon see him to his front door but that was all. He still didn’t speak to the model in the few days following what happened at the hospital. 

Then he received a message. 

_Hyungwon 1:12pm  
Want to meet for coffee?_

_Kihyun 1:20pm  
I’m busy sorry._

_Hyungwon 1:20pm  
:(_

_Hyungwon 1:36pm  
Still mad?_

He was still a little mad. But really he just didn’t want to give into Hyungwon. Not just yet, anyway. He still had some pride. But Hyungwon had come to the hospital and helped him, hadn’t he? He didn’t mock Kihyun. He listened and did his best to calm him. Surely he wasn’t the pure evil bitch he acted like before? Did he actually give a fuck about Kihyun?

_Kihyun 1:40pm  
Kinda. But also genuinely busy._

He wasn’t busy. He just didn’t need this confusion in his life right now. 

Two days passed before he got another message from the model. Maybe Hyungwon really was trying to give him some space. 

_Hyungwon 9:02pm  
Forgiven me yet?_

Hyungwon probably knew Kihyun would give in sooner or later. He’d attached a selca if himself pouting like a sad puppy. 

_Hyungwon 09:45pm  
How’s your hand? Are you doing ok?_

_Kihyun 09:47pm  
Still kinda sore. I’m doing fine. No more freak outs. Stayed with Hyunwoo for a couple of days._

Four days, to be exact. During that time he’d made enough meals for his friend’s freezer to survive a good way into a zombie apocalypse and cleaned the place until it was spotless while he was at work. Hyunwoo had to hide the bleach and scrubbing brushes from him. 

_Hyungwon 09:51pm  
Good. I’m glad x_

Again it was left at that for a couple of days. Kihyun was thankful for the head space. It took him a while to get his mind back on track after everything at the hospital. It was taking him a bit longer than usual this time, usually he bounced back pretty quickly. 

On the bright side, his hand seemed to be healing very well. 

_Hyungwon 7:12pm  
Can I come over? I’ve got a fun idea x_

Kihyun raised a brow at the other’s boldness. Considering Hyungwon’s idea of fun seemed to be pushing Kihyun’s buttons until he completely lost his shit, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what fun he had in mind. 

_Hyungwon 7:15pm  
Like genuinely fun. Nothing bad I swear :)_

Kihyun was almost convinced this guy was an actual mind reader. 

_Kihyun 7:20pm  
Busy sorry _

_Hyungwon 7:20pm  
Liar x but I understand._

Definitely psychic. Kihyun sighed heavily. He did want to see Hyungwon because for some sick reason he enjoyed his company 50% of the time and found him attractive enough to make 50% more than enough. 

_Kihyun 7:26pm  
Fine. You can come over if you like. _

_Hyungwon 7:26pm  
Won’t be long. Do you have allergies? ;)_

_Kihyun 7:27pm  
Uh no I don’t think so?? :| _

_Hyungwon 7:28pm  
Gooooood! :D your hair dye ruining my sheets and towel inspired me ;)_

_Hyungwon 7:28pm  
Oh and I’m willing to bet you own a butt plug, so put it in ready for me like a good boy._

Kihyun was taken aback by the sheer arrogance of the statement. He probably shouldn’t be, though. That’s what Hyungwon was like. Extremely sure of himself and fully aware of his affect on others. Fuck this guy. 

_Kihyun 7:31pm  
Three large assumptions there. 1- that I own a butt plug. 2- That I’m going to have sex with you. 3- That I would do that because you’re too fuckin lazy to prep me yourself. _

_Hyungwon 7:33pm  
Don’t forget to use plenty of lube so you’re nice and wet for me ;) xxx_

Was he fucking high or something? 

There was no way Kihyun was gonna dust off his plug. That thing hadn’t seen the light of day for years. No fucking way. He definitely wasn’t going to finger himself open while thinking about Hyungwon and he sure as hell wouldn’t be putting that thing inside himself just because the devilish blonde demanded it. 

Except...

He was. Because of fucking course he was.

Oh god. Fuck Chae Hyungwon and his power over him. Apparently he could knock him down and build him back up in practically the same breath. Was kihyun just supposed to forgive and forget his past transgressions? 

That sounded more appealing than it should have been. 

 

 

———————

 

 

“How’s your hand?” Hyungwon asked as he walked past Kihyun into his apartment. 

“Feels much better.”

The model was all dolled up. Hair and clothes perfect, makeup tastefully applied around his eyes. It was only then Kihyun realised the blonde hadn’t looked as put-together as usual when he’d come to the hospital. He hadn’t struck him as the type to go out in public without looking perfect. 

The taller kicked his shoes off like he owned the place, smiling a little when Kihyun rushed to line his shoes up neatly. “Good. New hair? Kinda boring for you, isn’t it?” He commented. Kihyun’s hair was a chestnut brown with a side shave. “Oh, yeah. Had to give it a bleach break, was this or black.” He shrugged. 

“You’d look cute as a blonde, I think.”

“It’s irritating when you call me cute y’know.”

“I think you like it. You’re so mean, even though I come baring gifts.” Hyungwon held up a nondescript looking bag. 

“C’mon then, what have you brought?”

“Body paints! Flavoured body paints, no less!” Hyungwon lifted a pack of brightly coloured pants out of the bag. 

“That’s... gonna make a horrible mess.”

“They wash out of fabric, apparently. Don’t worry. You’ve had me as your little art project, now you can be mine.”

“I’m still annoyed with you.”

“The way you’re holding yourself and that pinkness in your cheeks says you did what I asked and so you can’t be that mad.” Hyungwon winked. He didn’t have to be a expert in reading body language to know Kihyun had the plug inside him. 

The shorter looked scandalised. “....Fine. But you’re buying me new sheets if it doesn’t wash out. Expensive ones.”

“Deal.” Hyungwon said and coiled his arms around the other’s waist. “Be careful with your hand, though.”

“I changed the dressing today. It’ll be fine.”

Hyungwon kissed him, slow and sensual. He let his hands move around to the small of the brunette’s back and up under his t shirt as he licked into the other’s mouth. “I’ve felt like a starving man without you, Kihyun.” He murmured into his open mouth. 

Suddenly Kihyun felt very very hot all over. There was this burning need to peel himself out of his clothes and tare Hyungwon’s off him so that he could feel their skin come together. “You’re too good with words.” Kihyun kissed down the other’s throat. 

“Not the only thing I’m good with.” Kihyun could feel the blonde’s low voice vibrate in his throat under his lips. 

“I know.”

Kihyun allowed himself to be swept along and steadily stripped of his clothes. Hyungwon’s hands and lips seemingly couldn’t get enough of him. Just the thought alone that he was making this normally so well controlled man lose his composure was making him hard. He allowed the beautiful model to lay him out naked on the bed like some kind of canvas. The way the toy inside him jostled when he hit the bed made him whine and the way the other was looking down at him like some desperately hungry predator was so intense.

“I can’t help but notice you’re still dressed.” Kihyun panted, feeling lips close around one of his nipples. He needed Hyungwon naked, too. Needed to feel him. See him. Every single inch of him. 

The elegant man on top of him paused for a second and slipped off the bed wordlessly, making Kihyun feel cold with the loss of contact. He watched as he slipped out of his shirt to expose his graceful torso and honey skin. 

“Do you have a camera you don’t mind getting messy?” Hyungwon enquired as he placed the paints and the brush onto the bedside table, within their reach. 

“T-The third one along on the shelf.” A compact digital camera he didn’t really use. He only bought it as a small backup camera and it had the best optical zoom in the price range. He watched Hyungwon pluck it off the shelf, vaguely noticing how he reached it easily where Kihyun himself always had to stand up on his tiptoes. 

“You ok with this?”

Kihyun nodded dumbly in reply. Hyungwon smirked and shimmied out of his tight jeans and designer underwear. How did he make it look so elegant and effortless? It really wasn’t fair. The photographer was relieved to see he wasn’t the only one who was already hard. He wanted to say something but he didn’t trust himself at this point with the way the other slinked over to him and crawled back up to straddle his thighs.

“Now you stay there like that, my beautiful canvas.” Hyungwon switched the camera on and took a photograph. Kihyun rolled his eyes. The flash was too harsh, it would probably look like shit. 

“You’re having photography snob thought, aren’t you?” Hyungwon chuckled and set the camera down beside them on the bed. He reached over and opened the pots of paint and picked up the soft paintbrush. He dipped it into the orange and began to sweep swirls over the older’s chest experimentally. He must have changed his mind because he switched to the pink paint and began moving it over the space just above Kihyun’s hip bone. 

“It would look better in black but I hate liquorice flavour.” The model commented. 

The paint was cold and the brush tickled as it licked its way over the photographer’s skin. “I hope you don’t expect me to be able to draw or paint just because I’m an artist.” Kihyun closed his eyes, trying to guess what the design being painted onto him in bright pink pigment was. A few more slow but concise strokes of the brush and he felt lips kissing just under it. He looked down to see an image of a bird in flight. It was simple but artistic and reminded him of calligraphy and the images he’d seen in temples. 

“It’s a shrike. Cute but deadly.” Hyungwon grinned against his skin before slowly dragging the flat of his tongue over the artificial strawberry flavoured paint. 

Kihyun held in an embarrass noise which was threatening to escape his throat. “Y-You seem to like comparing me to animals. A hamster last time, wasn’t it?”

“But you are like a hamster. I kinda wanna feed you up and watch you munch away.”

“Oh so you have a feeder kink?” Kihyun deadpanned. 

“I have a Kihyun kink.” He licked over his painted skin again. 

“My turn.” He pushed Hyungwon to the side and rolled on top of him. He’d forgotten about the plug inside him and gasped sharply when he moved so abruptly. He didn’t have to look at the cheeky smile on Hyungwon’s face to know the model noticed. He snatched the brush from him, dipping it into the bright green paint. “This colour will look ugliest against your skin tone.” The kind of ugliness Kihyun found beautiful. He began to write across his chest. 

_Mine_

“Mine?” 

“Mine.” Kihyun confirmed. “Does the title of this piece offend you as much as last time?” He reached over to grab the camera and snapped a photograph of Hyungwon laying there with his devilish smirk and the word written across his body 

Kihyun dipped the brush into the black paint and smeared it over his own lips, knowing Hyungwon would hate the taste. “Kiss me.” Now to test how addicted the blonde was. He reached back and lifted Hyungwon’s slender thigh behind himself so that his leg was bent slightly at the knee. He leaned back against it, pushing the plug deeper into himself. “Mmmhhfuck.” He moaned deliberately. 

“You’re testing me, aren’t you?” Hyungwon was looking at him with a dark, predatory gaze. 

“Don’t you wanna kiss me? Stick your tongue in my mouth?” He made another sultry noise as he pressed himself back into the blonde’s thigh again, practically riding it. 

Hyungwon yanked him forward and kissed him harshly. He really hated liquorice but he craved the taste of Kihyun. He sucked his lower lip and nipped it harshly before delving his tongue inside. They kissed messily, the model not noticing when Kihyun reached over, grabbing the pot of pink strawberry flavour paint. 

The next thing Hyungwon new he was having paint poured over his head, he tried to pull away but Kihyun has his lip caught strategically between his teeth. Unable to move away he just dove back in, kissing messily and running his fingernails over Kihyun’s back. The sweet smelling paint dripped down the side of his face and the photographer chased it down the side of his neck with his tongue. “You’re so expensive, just makes me want to mess you up.” Kihyun spoke into the side of his neck. He ran his fingers through Hyungwon’s hair, spreading the pink colour through the blonde strands, sitting back a little to admire the mess he’d made. 

Hyungwon took the opportunity of Kihyun’s entrancement to grab the blue raspberry paint and throw it over him. For a transient moment he thought he might have made him mad but Kihyun started to laugh and ran his hands through the blue paint and wiped it on Hyungwon’s face. 

They ended up playfully wrestling with each other for the upper hand, rolling around the bed, messy bodies sliding against each other. Tongues over skin and limbs tangling and writing. Kihyun’s breath hitched every time a movement caused the plug inside him to shift close to his sensitive spot. 

Finally Kihyun had grown far too desperate. He pushed Hyungwon back and pounced on him, crawling up his body. 

“Impatient little thing, aren’t you?” Hyungwon chuckled up at the man straddling him. 

“You’re such a tease and so fucking unfairly attractive. I can’t take it anymore.” Kihyun reached and grabbed the camera. He adjusted the focus manually and peered through the viewfinder, since the screen had paint smeared all across it. He leaned back slightly and snapped a photograph of the man covered in various colours of sweets tasting paint, splayed out on the bed. “Your hair looks good pink. You should dye it.”

Hyungwon ran a hand through the colourful paint and reached out to touch Kihyun’s face, leaving an orange and yellow hand print there. “Gimme.” He made grabby hands at the camera. 

Kihyun handed it over. “Trying to take my job?”

“I think I have a good eye for beauty, so maybe I could.” He smiled and took a photo.

“There’s more to art than just plain ol beauty. Beauty in a traditional sense is easy. Been done a million times.” 

“Beauty is a good jumping off point, though.” Hyungwon mused and with his free hand he reached around and pressed on the plug in Kihyun’s hole, making him shiver. 

“Fuck Hyungwon.” His eyes slipped closed, legs felt weak under him, thigh muscles quivering. The sound of a camera shutter clicking met his ears. “You’re killing me.”

“If that ain’t beautiful I don’t know what is.” Hyungwon purred as he slipped the toy out of him. 

“Oh god.” Kihyun’s breath hitched and he shuddered as he felt lube drip down his inner thighs. 

“I’ve spent my career around the most beautiful people in the world but you’re the most mesmerising thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life.” He slipped two fingers easily into the stretched ring of muscle. “I’m so addicted to you. Do you know that you own me, Kihyun?”

Kihyun took a second to compose himself. So it was true? The thought felt good. Maybe he didn’t mind being owned if he owned the other man in return. “It’s weird to have the living embodiment of beauty laying under me telling me I’m beautiful.”

“Because you are. You are so gloriously sinful right now, all messy, panting and flushed over me. Your pretty hole stretched and ready. I really want you to ride me, Ki.” He added a third finger, just to be sure. He sounded just as desperate as Kihyun was. 

Kihyun leaned back, rubbing the cleft of his ass along Hyungwon’s erection. “How badly do you wanna fill me up?” He moaned airily, giving the younger man a taste of his own medicine. 

It was only now that the thought of a condom passed through the photographer’s hazy brain. They’d already done it without, right? So what would be the point? He didn’t care right now anyway, he’d just let himself feel ashamed in the morning. Fuck it. 

“You’re so fucking perfect. There’s no words for how desperately I wanna be inside you. The devil made you to tempt me, Kihyun. All for me.” He smoothly rolled his hips upwards to increase the friction.

Kihyun grinned and hovered over him for a second before slowly sinking down, taking the younger’s achingly hard erection into his body until he was seated on his narrow pelvis. “Oh shit! So good.” He groaned. 

Hyungwon raised the camera shakily and snapped another photograph of Kihyun. “I want copies of these pictures.” He set the camera down next to them on the bed so that he could grip Kihyun’s hips to steady him. 

Kihyun grinned dizzily, rocking his hips steadily. 

“You have the prettiest smile.” It was true, Hyungwon loved that smile. The one where Kihyun grinned wide enough to show all his teeth, the smile that reached all the way to his eyes. “And you feel so good.”

Soon, Kihyun was able to raise himself up and bring himself back down steadily. Nonsense spilled from his mouth as he built up the pace, altering his angle until he felt pleasure shooting through him. “Hyungwon!”

Hyungwon started to thrust his hips upwards into him, meeting each of his movements. His grip on the other’s hips tightening to keep him from losing his balance. The sweat was building on their bodies, making the colours of the paint merge together even more. Kihyun’s felt so good around him and he looked so erotic with his head tipped back in lust. It was making Hyungwon want to mark up his neck for all the world to see. 

Kihyun’s thighs were burning but he increased his pace anyway and began to stroke himself erratically. 

“Getting tired?” Hyungwon’s voice sounded so rough. 

Kihyun just whimpered, stamina not keeping up with his needs. He yelped as Hyungwon firmly grasped his hips, stilling them so he could flip him over and hook his tired legs around his waist. 

“It’s ok, I got you.” The blonde panted into his ear as he started fucking into him relentlessly. 

“Shit! Harder! Touch me!”

“Demanding.” Hyungwon felt dizzy. Kihyun’s was like a million wet dreams all at once. If he wasn’t already getting close to his own release he would have probably edged him. Not tonight. He didn’t have the self control for that. So he obliged and began stroking Kihyun’s cock with each thrust. 

Hyungwon’s breathless panting and Kihyun’s desperate moans filled the room along with the sweet smell of the paint masking the faint scent of freshly shed sweat. Kihyun could feel the coiling tightness in the pit of his stomach getting ready to snap. He pulled Hyungwon in deeper and harder with his legs. 

“Come for me, Ki. Let me fuck you through it. Want you to s-scream.”

The pure lust in Hyungwon’s voice was all he needed to tip him off the edge, his vision turned white for a second. His scream got stuck in his throat and came out choked, spilling himself all over his abdomen and Hyungwon’s hand. The overstimulation of the other still fucking into him felt so damn good that it caused tears to roll down his cheeks. He barely even resisted when Hyungwon climaxed and spilled himself into him. 

The next thing he was fully aware of was the plug being inserted back into his sensitive hole. Then there was Hyungwon licking a salty tear from his cheek and the deep rumble of his words as the other lay half on top of him. “I think you’re making me love you.”

“Pretty words.” Kihyun’s tone sounded... sad?

“Maybe they are just pretty words. I’m not even sure myself anymore. But when you left that office the prospect of not having you was killing me.”

“You have a strange way of showing love. Maybe I do, too.” Kihyun had never been in love in the romantic sense so he supposed love was the closest approximation he could make to whatever this was. Mutual ownership? Fucked up soul mates?

 _”I hate that I love hurting you, Kihyun.”_ The model admitted to himself. 

“I’ll take that.” Hyungwon leaned over and kissed him lazily. 

_“So he really is just as hooked on me as I am on him. Recipe for misery but from here it looks oh so inviting. Loving something doesn’t mean it’s good for you, does it?”_ Kihyun rationalised. 

“Find what you love and let it kill you.” Kihyun quoted, voice barely a whisper as his fingers idly playing with paint covered blonde hair. 

“Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you, and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it's much better to be killed by a lover.” Hyungwon continued the quote, meeting his eyes. 

_Falsely yours......_ The final words loomed unsaid, or maybe they just drifted away out the window. 

“Ah you know Bukowski. Here I thought you were just uncultured swine.” Kihyun tried to joke to cut through the air of something he couldn’t put a name to. 

“Of course I know the musings of a drunkard.” Hyungwon moved a hand through Kihyun’s hair softly and brought their foreheads together. He needed to breathe the other man in. 

“Tell me more pretty words.”

“I need you, Kihyun.” He breathed and shifted position so that he was draped over the other man. They lay in silence together for a while, bathing in their afterglow and each other’s warmth. 

They should really clean themselves up but it was so comfortable laying there. Eventually, Hyungwon was the one to concede and shifted to reach for the pack of cigarettes and lighter in his discarded jeans. 

Kihyun cracked an eye open at the movement and glared as Hyungwon casually lit a cigarette and took a long drag. “At least go to the window, inconsiderate jerk. I don’t want my damn apartment smelling like an ashtray.” He swatted at the other man’s bare shoulder. 

“But I like the idea that you’ll smell cigarette smoke whenever you lay in bed and be forced to think of me.” Hyungwon’s smile was more playful than anything sinister. It was nice. He slipped out of bed and moved to the window, opening it and leaning out slightly. The artificial orange glow of the city lights lit his naked golden skin perfectly in contrast to the mix of colour smeared over him. 

“You look breathtaking right now.” Kihyun murmured. 

“Take a picture. It’ll last longer.” Hyungwon chuckled and blew smoke out the window. 

“I think I will.” Kihyun picked up his paint covered camera from the floor where it had fallen odd the bed and snapped a few pictures. “Hashtag smoking kills. Hashtag naked ass. Hashtag no filter.” He laughed. 

“Hashtag if you put that on Instagram I’ll kill you.” Hyungwon teased with a gentle smile on his lips.

“Don’t worry. It’s for my personal collection.” He watched as Hyungwon flicked the spent cigarette out the window and slipped back into bed with him. “You’re not going?”

“You want me to go?”

“No. Yes. No. I mean— It’s just that you never stay. I want you to stay.”

“This time I wanna stay. It’s cold out and your bed is oh so warm.” Hyungwon kissed his shoulder. 

“Then stay. But first, you can get in the shower because I’m changing the sheets.” He sat up and winced. “Can I take this thing out of my butt now?”

“I’ll go shower but only if you join me once you’ve satisfied your clean freak compulsions. Butt plug and all. I wanna take it out for you and lick you out.”

“It’s not being a clean freak if you don’t wanna sleep in bed sheets covered in paint and sex residue.”

Hyungwon burst out laughing. It struck Kihyun that this was the first time he’d really heard the other really laugh like this. A purely joyful uncontrollable laughter. The mirth in his voice was barely muffled by Hyungwon clapping his hand around his own mouth to stifle his giggles. 

“What? What’s so funny?!” Kihyun tried to sound angry, he really did. But his grin betrayed him. 

“S-Sex residue?” The blonde forced out between laughs, still trying to cover his face. “Sorry I can’t stop once I start laughing.” He continued, excusing himself to the bathroom. 

Kihyun was left alone in the room, blushing furiously. Sex residue? Really? For fuck sake. He could hear Hyungwon still giggling from the bathroom. 

Was this really the same manipulative bitch? This dear thing that had held his hand in the hospital. Talked him down. Now giggling in his bathroom? 

It didn’t matter in the end, right? 

He would take any version of this man he could get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things seem to have improved between them, right? If only life were that easy, it ain’t over yet!
> 
> Next time: How long will the good times last?


	8. These Things That I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon bares his weakness to Kihyun. His worn down broken self in all his messed up glory.  
> Meanwhile, We discover where Kihyun’s love of photography came from!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I said Hyunwoo, Hoseok, Kihyun and Hyungwon would all meet in this one but the chapter was just getting waaaaay too long and I didn’t want to cut down or rush those interactions. Especially the interaction between Hyunwoo and Hyungwon. Sorry :(
> 
> Warnings: In this chapter we explore Hyungwon’s experiences of depression and what happened to make him so bitter. There are details of attempted suicide here, just wanted to give a heads up as there are allusions to sexual abuse and homophobia also.
> 
> If you find yourself in a dark place and feel like there’s no way out, please seek help and at least talk to someone.

__________

 

Hyungwon should really hire an assistant. His workload was beginning to get on top of him, it didn’t help that he was struggling like hell to concentrate. He was feeling a lot of things he hadn’t for the longest time and it was quite the distraction. Every few minutes his fingers would reach for his phone or his mind would wander to the little firecracker of a photographer. He wasn’t sure if he was getting worse or better. 

At least he had his manager to handle his modelling career, but the fashion label was on his own shoulders. It was something he’d always dreamed of achieving. It was one thing to parade around showing off high fashion brands, but to display his own creations was quite another. To be more than just a mannequin. 

With a sigh, he lifted himself from his desk to retrieve another coffee. Maybe caffeine would help him focus? He really had to get his head in the game because he had a show to organise. He hadn’t even seen Kihyun in days so he could prioritise work but he still didn’t seem to get much done. He hadn’t spoken to Hoseok lately, either. Other than his friend texting him to make sure he’s ok, of course. 

Hyungwon placed a coffee cup under the machine and rubbed his temples as the thing rumbled and spluttered to life. While he waited for the coffee to brew, he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He had to relieve this lonely monotony.

_Hyungwon 2:32pm  
Want to come over this evening?_

The blonde man watched the cup fill steadily.

_Kihyun 2:34pm  
Sure, what time? No butt plug this time :|_

Hyungwon smiled. He wasn’t actually inviting Kihyun over with the intention of having sex with him. He just kinda.... missed him?

_Hyungwon 2:34pm  
How bout a movie and takeout? No butt plugs. Promise the next one of us to wear one will be me, will we be even then? :) 7pm?_

_Kihyun 2:36pm  
Yes, we would be even then. And 7 sounds good to me._

 

———

 

“Hey, come on in. Still brunette I see. Yawn.”

“Bleach break, remember? Otherwise my hair is gonna snap off.” Kihyun removed his shoes and placed them neatly alongside Hyungwon’s. 

“Still think you should go blonde.” He nudged the shoe out of line with his foot.

“Don’t test me, Hyungwon.” Kihyun rolled his eyes and put the shoe back in his rightful place. 

“So, I’m gonna cut to the chase. Do you like pizza? Because I’m thinking we should order some.” Hyungwon sounded a little excited at the prospect, it was actually pretty cute in Kihyun’s opinion.

“Of course I like pizza. I’m not a monster. Doesn’t seem like something a model eats, though. Not afraid you’ll get fat?” He teased and poked the model’s flat belly.

“I’ve lost some weight unintentionally recently so I can afford to eat some junk food.” Hyungwon hadn’t eaten pizza for over a year, tonight he felt like letting himself give into his cravings. “What’s your topping of choice? If you say pineapple then this thing between us will be over. Just so you know.”

“I’m not fussy. Pepperoni is a classic that’s hard to beat so if I have to put in a vote it’d be for that.”

“Sounds good.” Hyungwon tapped away on his phone, ordering the food.

“You seem in a good mood.” The photographer observed. 

“Do I? I’ve actually been in kinda a bad mood for a couple of days but I suppose I’m just happy to see you.” 

“Be still my beating heart.” Kihyun wandered past him towards the living room. “Oh hey, guess what?” Kihyun said suddenly as he sat himself down on the couch.

“What?” Hyungwon looked up from his phone. 

“I’m gonna be on TV.”

“Yeah?”

“The local news is doing a piece on artists based in Seoul. It’s nothing special but I’m kinda nervous as fuck. I hate feeling observed. Thank god it isn’t a live broadcast.” He scratched nervously at his hands just thinking about it. 

“Stop doing that with your hands.” Hyungwon used to do the same thing. He noticed that whenever Kihyun didn’t have his phone or camera in his hands to busy his fingers, he’d scratch at his hands or tap on his collar bone. 

“Can’t help it, nervous habit.”

“You’ll damage the skin and end up with old man hands.” He sat down next to him. “Here, if you need to keep your fingers occupied and you don’t have anything to fiddle with, use this. It feels pretty tactile so it’s surprisingly satisfying.” He slipped off a textured silver ring and held it out to Kihyun. The photographer had noticed it before, the other man didn’t wear that exact ring all the time but he was always wearing some sort of ring. 

“You proposing to me?” He took the simple ring and inspected it.

“If I was proposing I’d give you a diamond big enough to fucking live in.”

“No, if you were proposing you’d probably give me a diamond encrusted cock ring.”

“Oh what a good idea! When’s your birthday?”

“Not telling you.” He rolled his eyes and tried to put the ring on the same finger Hyungwon had worn it on. For some reason the fact it was decently too big made him blush. Probably because he loved how big the model’s hands were and this brought the reality of it home. 

“Aww my little hamster is so tiny.” The blonde said playfully.

“I am not tiny. You just got shovels for hands.” He glared and put the ring on his thumb instead. He twisted it a few times experimentally, the ring really was pretty tactile where it had been hammered into shape to make it look rustic. It was surprisingly satisfying to fidget with. “Thank you, Hyungwon.”

“Don’t mention it. Seriously, you’ll ruin my fearsome reputation.” Hyungwon chuckled and pulled Kihyun closer. The blonde glanced at his phone. “Pizza is 15 minutes away.”

“Thank fuck. My stomach thinks my throat’s been cut.”

“I love when you say weird shit. Sex residue is still my favourite, though.”

“That was like a month ago! Let it go and let me live my life!” He shoved Hyungwon playfully.

“So, what movie shall we watch? I think I’m in the mood for some Park Chan-Wook. Ever seen The Handmaiden? Hope you don’t mind oddly erotic tooth scraping scenes.” The blonde offered, grabbing up the TV remote. 

“I haven’t seen it, put on whatever you like but don’t be offended if I look like my attention is wandering. It doesn’t mean I think your choice of movie is boring or anything, I just find it really hard to focus on movies and TV shows. No matter how interesting the plot.” Kihyun admitted. He sometimes even found it frustrating, especially if there’s a lot of things happening on the screen quickly. He couldn’t shift his focus around that quickly.

“It’s ok, the cinematography is pretty good so I think you’ll like that aspect if nothing else.” 

Kihyun wanted to kick himself when the movie started. He’d forgotten there was supposed to be a lot of Japanese dialogue in it and he couldn’t sit and read subtitles on a screen, too much to pay attention to. He groaned audibly without meaning to. 

“You good?” The other man enquired. 

“Yeah, I didn’t think about there being subs through some of this. Sorry.”

“Would it help if I read them out as they come up?”

“Uh y-yeah but you don’t have to if you don’t wanna.”

“I don’t mind. Gotta read them anyway so may as well do it out loud so it’s easier for you, right?” 

“Thanks.” Kihyun leaned over and pecked the model’s cheek. _“He’s acting like he actually cares again...”_

Just then, the doorbell rang. “Oh!” Hyungwon almost jumped up off the couch as he paused the movie, leaving Kihyun to laugh at his excitement. 

Rather than hitting play again they sat for a while and talked about meaningless crap as they ate. It was nice. Uncharacteristically warm and pleasant enough for both of them to let their guards down. This kind of thing was in contrast to how Kihyun had originally viewed their relationship. Not that he was complaining about it. It just felt strange and foreign. 

The photographer found it especially endearing how Hyungwon ate his pizza in massive bites, practically fitting a whole slice into his mouth at once. He found himself giggling at the other man. 

“What’s so funny?” Hyungwon was blushing. Actually blushing. 

“I’m just a little scared that you’re gonna choke.” Kihyun chuckled. 

“Sorry. I never... I never eat in front of people.” The blush disappeared, the colour completely from his face. He looked acutely uncomfortable for the first time since Kihyun had met him in his studio all those years ago. A glimpse of the shy nervous boy who’d been taken over by the devil was sitting in front of him. It make Kihyun’s heart clench in his chest. 

“Hey no it’s ok! I was laughing because it was cute, that’s all!”

Hyungwon shifted himself away from the pizza box and the simple motion practically broke Kihyun’s heart. Why did he have to be so stupid and laugh? After making fun of him earlier for ordering it. Hyungwon had apparently felt comfortable enough around him to eat in front of him and he’d wrecked it. Fuck. 

“Please don’t stop eating, Hyungwon. I’m sorry...”

As a model, Hyungwon always felt judged and scrutinised every time someone witnessed anything with calorie content pass his lips. It made him feel so embarrassed and uncomfortable when he was younger that he’d eventually stopped eating in front of other people. Even now it was something he didn’t do. But he hadn’t even realised he was doing it in front of Kihyun until the other had pointed it out.

“C’mon. Don’t make me force feed you, Hyungwon.” Kihyun warned as he shoved a slice into his own mouth.

“Sorry, got inside my own head for a second there.” Hyungwon flashed a small smile and continued to eat. 

“It’s ok, sorry if I came across like I was making fun of you.”

Hyungwon hit play on the TV remote and they continued to watch. Hyungwon still reading out the subtitles on the pieces of Japanese dialogue. The movie was actually pretty good, Kihyun had to admit. A little unnerving in parts but he appreciated the aesthetics of the way each scene was framed. He felt a bit annoyed with himself when his mind wandered off on a tangent a couple of times but he managed to stick with it for the most part.

“That poor octopus. That tank was far too small for it.” The photographer lamented at the end. 

Hyungwon laughed. “What’s what you took away from it?” He took a few moments to get over his little fit of giggles. “Hey, you seemed to keep your attention on it, well done.”

“Well I was kind of distracted because I was sort of expecting you to jump me at some point. Especially with those soft core porn lesbian scenes. You’re attracted to women, right?”

“Women are fine I guess.” Hyungwon shrugged. “I’m not a sex addict, y’know. I can get through a movie without jumping someone.”

“Coulda fooled me, you always seem to want to fuck. Not that I’m complaining.” He leaned in and placed a kiss on Hyungwon’s lips. The other man reciprocated but withdrew a little when Kihyun tried to lick into his mouth. 

“Hm... I don’t really feel like it tonight. I just wanted to spend time with you.” Hyungwon said softly. “Sorry. I’ve been feeling kinda down lately and everything just feels a million times more difficult.”

“No, it’s fine. No need to apologise.” Kihyun was a little stunned be the response. “Are you ok? I’m a good listener.” 

“Forget I said anything, I don’t mean to burden you with my problems. Sometimes they just sneak up on me.”

Kihyun looked at him for a long moment. “Remember when I asked about that scar? You looked sad and said you’d tell me if I asked again. Would you mind if I asked again?” He had the feeling there was a pretty significant thing that must have happened, considering at the time the model had told him it was a sob story. _“Maybe this will make him open up a little...”_

Hyungwon looked away, frowning slightly. “I...”

“You don’t have to if you don’t feel comfortable.”

Hyungwon had seen Kihyun have a meltdown, so maybe he could trust the other man with this knowledge. “I... tried to kill myself, Kihyun.”

“Shit...” Kihyun himself had experienced terrible anguish in his life. Sometimes it was a living hell inside his head. The thought of death’s release had briefly passed through his mind a couple of times but he’d never been desperate enough to act on it. That was probably mostly down to all the loving support he got from Hyunwoo.

“I figured cutting the femoral artery would have more chance of success than cutting my wrists. I’d read that trying to cut your own throat had a pretty low success rate, too. I did it laying in a hot bath because the warmth would cause my blood vessels to dilate. I probably would have bled to death if Hoseok hadn’t come home early and came crashing into the bathroom desperate for a piss. Makes you realise how insignificant you are when whether or not you live or die boils down to your friend ordering an extra large Diet Coke.” His tone was bitter and tight as he recalled what had happened. “I felt so guilty that he’d found me like that. He had nightmares for months about it.”

“Why... why did you want to die?”

“Unbearable misery. I suffered with depression to some degree since I was about fourteen. When I was starting out modelling I was being used and taken advantage of. The media found out I was sleeping with men after a CEO had spiked my drink and fucked me raw. It...” He was struggling to get the words out. “...injured me. I had to go to the hospital to be checked out. They contacted the police and the media found out. I was painted as some pathetic twink whore who had asked for it, even by the police.” Hyungwon grit his teeth and Kihyun gently rubbed his shoulder. “My parents pretty much disowned me. Said it was my own fault. Said they should have known I had homosexual perversions when I said I wanted to be a model.” There had also been some photographs that thankfully never saw the light of day. But the threat of them existing was bad enough.

“I’m so sorry... that’s awful.” Kihyun clenched his fist. The idea that people thought that way made his blood boil. _“Was he struggling with this back when I first met him? And I behaved like a total ass while he felt that way?_

“It’s not worth you getting angry over.” He placed his hands around Kihyun’s balled fist. “After I recovered from my attempt... my thinking changed. Figured if I was gonna be a whore it would be on my terms. I’d be the bitch they lost sleep over. Begged for. Touched themselves thinking about. I’d be the one doing the using. Manipulating them all.” Hyungwon had that empty expression on his face. _“This collection of broken things that I am. Made from shattered parts, gathered back together. Full of cracks, missing pieces and steadily turning to dust. A twisted automaton with an attractive coat of paint.”_

Kihyun vaguely remembered the tabloids shouting about a sex scandal. But Hyungwon wasn’t as famous as he was now and so it had passed Kihyun by. He wasn’t one for trashy gossip columns anyway. _“So he really is human. He’s fallible. Below the carefully crafted exterior and vicious ways he’s broken and afraid.”_

“Don’t be weird with me now. Don’t tread on egg shells around me for fear of upsetting me, I hate that.”

“Nothing worse than people treating you like you’re made of glass when they find out you’re crazy.... trust me I can relate to that.”

It was hard to imagine Hyungwon being so vulnerable. If he hadn’t seen that side of him years ago he’s probably be suspicious Hyungwon was just a very good actor. He always seemed like he was above all that. It made Kihyun wonder what the model looked like when he cried. _“He is probably so beautiful when he cries.... really cries, floods of unstoppable desperate tears.”_

 

———

 

They’d fallen asleep on the couch together, Kihyun laying on top of Hyungwon. In the early hours, kihyun had woke up and dragged the other man to bed to save both their spines. Easier said than done because even without a load of pills to knock him out, Hyungwon sleeps like the dead. Kihyun had to practically carry him. 

“Jeez it’s like looking after a drunk person.” Kihyun grumbled and helped a semiconscious Hyungwon out of his jeans. He tried to unbutton the blonde’s shirt but was lazily batted away. “Suit yourself then.” He chuckled and stripped himself down to his boxers so he’d at least be comfortable when he slept. 

When he slipped into the bed, the other man was already completely out. Cute. Kihyun pulled the blankets up higher around them and gazed at the sleeping form next to him for a few long moment. 

It took a while for sleep to come back to Kihyun. There was just too much flying around inside his skull. It was probably around 7am before he actually lapses into unconsciousness.

In the morning, the photographer woke to the smell of toast and coffee. He followed the scent to the kitchen to find Hyungwon with messy wet hair and his tall slim body wrapped in a thin white cotton robe. Kihyun liked how the white fabric showed off his skin tone and there was the scent of grapefruit soap radiating off him. 

“Morning.” Kihyun croaked, voice still rough from sleep. 

“Morning, I still don’t have any decaf so I made you a weak coffee.” 

“Thanks.” Kihyun smiled almost timidly and took the coffee. They hadn’t had sex last night but the whole evening had felt a lot more intimate than any interaction they’d shared before. He wasn’t going to bring it up, though. Not after agreeing he wouldn’t treat Hyungwon any differently now.

“I’m hosting a show to promote my label, H1. It’s next Saturday night, if you aren’t busy I’d really like it if you came along.” The blonde leaned against the kitchen counter. 

“Sure. If I take photos and put them on my Instagram will you pay me for the exposure?” He joked. 

“If you wanted a sugar daddy you only had to ask.”

“I’ll pass on the sugar daddy thing, thanks. As for the show, I’d love to come. But only if I can bring a plus one. I hate fashion people and don’t wanna be alone with them while you’re off schmoozing.”

“I’m a fashion person.”

“Exactly. Sometimes I do hate you.” He leaned in with a smirk and placed a chaste kiss to Hyungwon’s lips, standing up on his the balls of his feat a little to reach. He said it in a joking manner but actually... _“Sometimes I really do.”_

“Bring whoever you like.” He coiled his arms around the shorter man’s waist loosely. 

“I’ll bring Hyunwoo. There’ll be food, right?”

“Yes, there will be food at the after party.” Hyungwon kissed his forehead. 

Kihyun’s flashed a toothy grin and stepped back to sip more of his coffee. “Good, because otherwise he would complain he’s hungry the whole time. He’s never been to anything like that but I promise he’s well trained, fully housebroken.” Kihyun figured Hyunwoo would actually take some convincing. Fashion shows weren’t exactly his friend’s scene. In fact, other than from a business point of view it wasn’t really Kihyun’s scene, either.

“So Hyunwoo... is he straight or.....?” 

“Uh he’s one of those non-labelling-himself types. Maybe a little like you as you seem rather vague about your preferences.” Kihyun answered. 

Actually, Hyungwon was rarely that attracted to anyone these days. Bodies were frankly a secondary to him and Kihyun was the first person in a long time he was genuinely sexually attracted to. 

“Soooo he’s not straight?” 

“Well, we used to date so yeah probably not straight. Last I checked we are both guys.”

They used to what? “You dated?” Hyungwon’s eyes widened in surprise. A pang of familiar jealousy shot through him. 

“Yeah, but we decided we were better as friends. He was under a lot of pressure trying to graduate and I was on the verge of dropping out. The time wasn’t right for us but it probably worked out for the best. No need to be jealous.” Kihyun shrugged. 

“I’m not jealous.” He was jealous. Horribly jealous. He already envied Hyunwoo because of how apparently close he was to Kihyun, so this revelation only fed that envy. 

“Don’t worry, he told me a while back that he would never have sex with me again.” Kihyun laughed. “Still gonna let me bring him?”

“Of course! It’ll be nice because Hoseok will be there so you can meet my best friend, too. Except my best friend’s dick hasn’t been in me.” He said casually, not being able to resist sliding in that little dig at him.

“I’m gonna choose to ignore that last part. Hoseok’s the one who’s an Ulzzang, isn’t he? Pale and super stacked? You showed me his Instagram once, I think.”

“Yeah. That’s the guy. He’s a fan of yours, actually. He’s straight though so don’t get any ideas.”

“That’s a shame, I like big guys.” Kihyun teased. “Hyunwoo will want to ask him about his gym routine.” Kihyun giggled to himself. 

“Hyunwoo’s a gym rat too?”

“Yeah, he makes me go with him sometimes but I haven’t been for a while. I think I’m getting outta shape.”

 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

Hyungwon had been turning down a lot of work lately, partly because he didn’t feel motivated and partly because he wanted to prioritise H1. Besides, he could afford to loss of exposure. He was practically a household name, anyway. 

On the bright side, seeing Kihyun had actually cheered him up quite a lot. Although Hyungwon found it difficult to imagine living without the ever looming presence of his black dog of melancholy stalking him, he felt it’s foreboding presence weaken around Kihyun. Maybe it was because Kihyun was fucked in the head, too. Maybe their black dogs played well together? Or maybe taunting Kihyun’s was a distraction.

Distractions. 

He looked at the time and pulled up the news station on his office computer to watch Kihyun’s interview. He hoped the photographer wouldn’t be too nervous. When he appeared on the screen the first thing Hyungwon noticed was that he’d changed his hair colour again. It was lighter, a honey blonde. The model had been right, blonde did look really good on him.

_“What is it that made you want to be a photographer?” The interviewer asked._

_“My parents bought me a camera when I was quite young. They thought it would be a nice outlet for me and I suppose I did enjoy it for a time but I didn’t develop a passion for it until I was a teenager. I saw a photograph of a woman named Evelyn McHale after her suicide, taken by Robert Wiles. She threw herself from the Empire State Building. In the image she looks so peaceful, so at rest. So beautiful. Her body looked so gently nestled in the crumpled roof of the car she landed on. I remember being so... disturbed? by the image because of it’s tragic beauty. I realised how powerful an image could be and how much could be captured in one single frame. That was when my passion for photography really started. I wanted to capture as much in a single shot as possible and I suppose where my preference for having people as subjects rather than inanimate objects came from.”_

Kihyun was really passionate about his art, wasn’t he? Hyungwon could see the sparkle in his eyes when he spoke about it. 

_“Do you have a favourite piece of yours?”_

_“Favourite is probably not the right word but the most emotive piece for me personally is a photograph out through a broken window in my childhood home. I had an argument with my father and threw a chair through it. It’s the only work of my own I keep on display where I can see it. Sort of like a reminder, I suppose.”_

_“What is your greatest challenge when producing your works?”_

_“Sometimes I focus too hard on some ridiculous detail. I get worked up sometimes because I actually find it hard to look at the whole picture at once. My mind kind of narrows in on things. That’s probably why I hate doing wide angle landscapes and whatnot. Too many variables.”_

_“You’ve photographed a lot of famous people over the last couple of years. Nanao, Anne Nakamura, Chen Kun, Lee Taemin, G Dragon and Chae Hyungwon to name a few. Who has been your favourite celebrity to work with?”_

_Kihyun seemed to consider his answer very carefully. “They’ve all been excellent subjects but aesthetically I think I was most pleased with the photographs I’ve taken of Chae Hyungwon.”_

_“Is he as hard to work with as people say?” The interviewer half joked._

_“He’s... incredible.”_

Kihyun’s did well, maintained composure. His hands remained out of frame so the camera didn’t catch him twisting the ring nervously. He came across as genuine and secure in himself. A million miles from the tense quivering thing in the hospital. It made Hyungwon smile, something warm welling up in his chest. Yes, maybe tormenting him was a good way of forgetting his own troubles.

Curiously he google image searched the photograph Kihyun had mentioned. He expected a gruesome image of a broken body but what Kihyun had said made perfect sense. 

_“She looks like she’s sleeping... she’s so elegant...”_ He closed the image quickly. He probably shouldn’t be looking at such romantic images relating to suicide. He forced himself to think back to how much it fucking hurt to drive that blade into himself. How devastated Hoseok was. The way he’d practically puked up his own stomach when he saw the water quickly turning red. Nothing elegant about that. 

Hyungwon took a few moments to clear his mind before he watched the interview back a couple of times. He let himself be entranced by the photographer and the way he articulated. The thought struck him that Kihyun looked so handsome and there’d be a lot of women watching and thinking how attractive he was. Yet Hyungwon was the on who could make him come undone and scream his name. He smirked to himself. He was being a little obsessive, wasn’t he? 

_“I think I really am in love with him... I’m a little boy yanking in a girl’s hair for her attention...”_

He should distract himself with his work. His trains of thought were going all over the place today. Maybe opening the growing pile of mail he’d been neglecting for two days would be a suitably productive distraction. 

The first three were just crap that was destined straight for the paper shredder. The fourth, however, was different. His name and address were handwritten rather than printed and it felt thick. Curiously, he tore it open and removed the contents. 

Photographs. 

His blood ran cold in his veins.

_“Please no.”_

These were photographs he hoped he wouldn’t have had to lay his eyes on again. His agency had successfully repressed these a long time ago. But here they were, back to haunt him like some grim spectre. 

Along with them was a letter.

_Dear Mr Chae,  
I acquired these from an old acquaintance in media. You never looked better, in my opinion. Are you threatened by me? Is that why you had them retake my photos? The ones taken by Yoo Kihyun were perfect. You’re not getting any younger, it’s kinda sad that you cling to your top spot so desperately. You are far prettier in these old photographs. Maybe they should be shared? _

_Yours, The new queen bee.  
PS: Don’t threaten my success again xx_

 

In that moment Hyungwon thought maybe he understood what it was like for Kihyun to experience fits of rage as he did. His blood was boiling under his skin as he looked through the images of himself he had never expected to resurface. Images of himself at his low point. Images showing being used and not only that, images that could get him in trouble with the law. Of him using illegal drugs to help himself be used. 

_“She thinks I’m threatened by her. She thinks it was her I was trying to sabotage. Delusions of grandeur. I can relate.”_

It was that new female model. Clearly she had absolutely no idea who she was fucking with. How fucking dare this little whore threaten him like this. Was she stupid? Hyungwon could easily see to it that she never worked in the industry again. 

_“Nice try but I am a far crazier bitch than you are.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I promise next chapter the four are gonna meet! Also, what’s Hyungwon gonna do to the girl? :0 
> 
> Also sorry this is a couple of days late, this month will be a little sporadic as I’m currently travelling ;D


	9. Too Much Too Far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon may have met his match. Immovable object Vs unstoppable force.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! It’s been a bit hard finding the time for writing while travelling :( but my adventures are almost at an end (til next time!) So weekly updates will resume.

———

 

“God, I haven’t worn this suit since my graduation.” Hyunwoo shifted awkwardly in his seat, uncomfortable and restricted by the too-small clothing. Kihyun had actually been a little surprised how easily his friend had agreed to attend Hyungwon’s show with him, he’d expected it to take a lot of convincing. 

“Take your jacket off if it’s too tight.” Kihyun was trying not to laugh. Hyunwoo had been well built back when he graduated but his arms in particular were much bigger now. 

“Is that ok? Everyone else has a suit jacket on.”

“It’s better than your back muscles ripping out of it like the Hulk. I’ll take mine off if it’ll make you feel less weird.”

“Hmm no, it’s fine.” The older tried to gracefully shrug off his jacket but it got stuck half way off his shoulders. “Uh little help?”

“How did you even get it on?” Kihyun snort-laughed, earning some eye rolls from snooty patrons around them. “Stand up.” He giggled out and pulled the damn thing off Hyunwoo, hearing a couple of stitches break with the rough handling. Even the shirt underneath was kinda tight, unintentionally showing off his muscles. Hyunwoo was far too much of the humble type for it to be on purpose, but the way the shirt clung to his chest was kinda hot. Kihyun could admit that much. 

“God, stop being so attractive, it’s rude.” Kihyun laughed as the taller sat back down. 

“You kidding me? You look intimidatingly attractive tonight.”

“Oh I just woke up looking like this.” Kihyun joked because there was no hiding how long he’d spent getting ready for tonight. His friend knew him far too well. He’d already lightened up his blonde hair for his interview so he figured he’d all ready messed up his so called bleach break anyways and spent the two previous days bleaching all the colour from his hair and toning it. Thirty and forty vol peroxide, a few gallons of toner and an absolute crap load of treatments and conditioners to negate some of the damage after he’d stripped it enough to finally colour it a smoky silver. 

He paired the newly silver hair with very well fitting a purple suit, a little bit of grey smoky eye makeup and green contacts to set the look off. It was rare he broke out the colour contacts. He’d also gone heavy on his earrings, even managing to push rings back through older cartilage piercings which had started to close. He looked striking but not outrageous. 

“Figured I’d scrub myself up a little, is all.” Kihyun smirked a little as the lights dimmed on the crowd. Despite his relative disinterest in fashion beyond what he wrapped his own body in, he’d grown quite accustomed to these sorts of events. He was interested in what Hyungwon was going to produce. 

The pieces being paraded down the catwalk by beautiful people were actually rather impressive. The kind of things you’d see on stylish fashion-forward individuals who want to make themselves feel unique. Most things were pleasantly minimalistic but with a feature which made a statement. Chic and slightly outlandish. The kind of clothes you could only really pull off day-to-day if you felt extremely self confident.

That thought reminded him of a time he’d seen Hyungwon on a variety show a couple of years back when he was asked about a black leather skirt he was wearing over a pair of leggings. He’d said something along the lines of _“If you believe you make an outfit work, you’ll make it work. If you wear something with confidence, you’ll look badass in anything.”_ Which was easy to say if you were as inherently attractive as Hyungwon. Kihyun was pretty sure he’d look like shit in such a bold thing. He remembered envying the confidence it took to dress in something so unique and fashion forward and carry it off so well. Even these days a skirt on a man was considered a risky style choice. He remembered questioning if the man on the screen was the guy he recognised from the photo shoot where he’d almost cried. 

The show itself was also put together very well, too. Just as good as ones Kihyun bad sat through for high end fashion houses. The clothes seemed to actually fit each model rather than them looking like walking coat hangers just to display clothes and the concepts weren’t pointlessly insane for shock value. If Kihyun had ₩100 for every time he’d sat at a show and had to repress laughter at the crazy outfits, he’d have the studio of his dreams by now. 

The other thing Kihyun noticed was that the music being played was a mixture of pretty unusual choices. Good, but unusual and eclectic. A mixture of trap and house beats with heavy bass lines. Hyungwon must have chosen the music himself, made sense as he’d seen a few pairs of expensive looking headphones in Hyungwon’s apartment. He probably had a great love of music. Something they’d have in common. Kihyun told himself to bring that up with the other man at another time. _“We really don’t talk about our interests much, do we?”_

He was brought out of his thoughts by a change in the lights and the sight of Hyungwon himself emerging out at the end of the show. Apparently Kihyun wasn’t the only one who’d changed up his look a little. He looked up at Hyungwon in all his ethereal beauty but surprisingly plain attire. Tight black leather trousers and an oversized white shirt with the top two buttons undone, teasing a view of his collar bones and tanned skin. 

But that wasn’t all. His hair was pink. A soft shade of light pink and a little shorter than it had been before. Was it because Kihyun had said he’d look good with pink hair? Surely not, right? Kihyun swallowed hard, the man on the stage was the personification of effortless beauty. Hyungwon could probably spend a month in the wilderness and still look catwalk ready by the end. 

“Thank you for coming. I hope you enjoyed the evening. I am pleased to announce H1 will be soon opening a store in Hongdae here in Seoul.” Until now the brand had been available online only and so this was a big step. If footfall was promising, he’d have a case with getting into the large department stores and could maybe break into the Japanese market. Maybe the western market? One thing at a time, though. 

Hyungwon’s eyes landed on Kihyun in the audience. He almost didn’t recognise him at first. The silver hair and the makeup made him look so gorgeous and so expensive. “I hope you enjoyed the show and please come through to the exhibition hall for drinks.” He continued and caught Kihyun’s gaze and subtly motioned for him to find him back stage. 

“I’ll see you through there, Hyunwoo. I’m gonna just go to the bathroom.”

“Ok see you through there.” Hyunwoo stood and made it about three steps away before Kihyun stopped him. 

“Jacket!”

“Oh thanks, such a good wife.” 

“I’m nobody’s wife.” Kihyun grinned and tossed the jacket at Hyunwoo’s face. “Don't eat all the food before I get there!” He laughed as he made his way to the backstage area. He saw Hyungwon standing there, leaning against the stage and watching him. His expression betraying him for once, looking thirstily at the photographer and the sight went directly to Kihyun’s ego. 

“I like the pink hair.”

“I like the silver. You look gorgeous this evening, very striking.” Because fuck, Kihyun looked amazing. 

“I’m almost disappointed by your outfit. I kinda expected you to look a little more.... extra.” Kihyun said teasingly. He wasn’t disappointed at all.

“I didn’t want to dress too flashy because I’m not the model tonight. I’m not the centre of attention on the runway.”

“How terrible for you to not be the centre of attention.”

“I can settle for being the centre of your attention.” He reached out to Kihyun but the photographer recoiled from him before Hyungwon could make contact. “Uh something I said?”

“Not in public.”

“But you look so good, I want to touch you.” Hyungwon almost whined. 

Kihyun smirked. It seemed it was his turn to be the tease. It wasn’t really his intention when he got all dressed up but it was a welcome switch in their dynamic. He was suddenly the powerful and unobtainable one and it felt good. “People will talk. I don’t want my face plastered all over trashy tabloids.” It was true, the last thing he wanted was to be hounded by the trash media. 

“You’re so fucking handsome when you’re confident. You’re gonna kill me looking like this tonight.”

“Maybe you should learn not to rely on instant gratification.” Kihyun teased. _“Is this me being playful or am I just provoking him because I can?”_

“Don’t worry, I can be very patient because I know you’ll come home with me tonight.” The model ran his hand through his own hair nonchalantly. 

“Oh really?” 

“Mmhmm.” Hyungwon always had to win in the end, didn’t he? “Anyways, go find your friend and I’ll see you through at the party. I need to find Hoseok. He’s probably busy getting swarmed by wet pussy right now.”

“God, I seem to remember you calling me crude once but you’re way worse than me.” Kihyun cringed. 

“You must be a bad influence on me.” The pink haired model said innocently and swept himself away. 

 

 

———

 

Kihyun found Hyunwoo reluctantly being chatted up by two young women who were dripping in gold and and wrapped in probably insanely expensive dresses. Hyunwoo just looked kind of scared. 

“Sorry ladies, I have to steal him away from you.” Kihyun stepped in, much to the older’s relief. 

“Aw don’t go, you can join us for a drink too.” One woman said as she brushed Hyunwoo’s bicep with her hand, making him visibly flinch and Kihyun narrow his eyes.

“Sorry but I am a raging homosexual.” The photographer dragged a deeply uncomfortable Hyunwoo away to the sound of scoffs of disgust. 

“Thanks for saving me.”

“Can’t leave you alone for two seconds, can I? On the bright side, they probably woulda paid off your student debts if you’d fucked one of them.”

“Wouldn’t that make me a prostitute?”

“Yes. But a classy one.” He headed towards the bar, still gripping Hyunwoo’s forearm without realising. “I need a drink. I’m starting to feel a little anxious. Why didn’t I bring my camera or something?” He’d slipped off the ring Hyungwon had given him and was now toying with it in his free hand. “I fucking hate parties.”

“I like parties but all these people look so fake. Not really my crowd.”

“Thats rich people for you. All style and no substance.” Well, maybe that was a little harsh. He flagged down a bartender, trying not to look too desperate to get some alcohol in him. “Double vodka and coke please.” 

“Make that two.” Hyunwoo added. “Your boyfriend looked pretty good. I see the physical appeal at least. I kinda assumed the photos I’d seen of him were just airbrushed to hell.”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” 

“Do you want him to be?”

“That’s a complicated question which I don’t have an answer for. Things have been really nice lately.” Kihyun kinda needed to be at least six drinks deep for this conversation. He drummed his fingers on the bar.

“But?”

“Sometimes he looks at me like he adores me and sometimes he looks at me like a sadistic kid about to set an anthill on fire.” He took a few large gulps of his drink as soon as it landed in front of him. 

“You know my feelings on your relationship with him.”

“I do. I agree.” They wandered away from the bar, Hyunwoo grabbing up some food from one of the trays being carried around by waiters. _“I’m stupidly in love with him.”_

“Here, have some food if you’re gonna be drinking doubles.” He handed Kihyun one of the fussy little avocado based snacks. 

“Thanks.” He ate the thing in one bite, washing it down with another gulp of his drink. He should watch his alcohol intake, getting drunk never ended well for him. The aftermath was pretty unpleasant, usually making him more paranoid and irritable the next day. 

The pair found a quiet corner to drink in peace for a while until Kihyun saw Hyungwon making his way over through a sea of handshakes. He was accompanied by the man he recognised from Instagram. Damn, Hoseok was hotter in person than he was on social media. 

“Sorry it took me a while to catch up with you guys. I lost Hoseok for a while.” Hyungwon smiled and Hoseok dipped his head politely. “So, Kihyun, this is my best friend Hoseok AKA Wonho. Hoseok AKA Wonho, this is Kihyun.”

“It’s s pleasure to meet you, I’m actually a fan of your work. I have one of your pieces hanging in my living room.” Hoseok gushed with a big grin on his face. 

“Good to meet you, too. Would it be weird for me to say I like your stuff? Might be weird since you’re half naked in most of your pics.”

“Not weird at all!”

“Good. Then I like your stuff.” Kihyun smiled m. “And this is my best friend, Hyunwoo.”

“Ah it’s nice to finally meet you in the flesh.” Hyungwon extended a hand to shake and Hyunwoo took it. He had a firm grip and holy shit this guy was huge. The same height as Hyungwon but stacked like Hoseok. He could probably break Hyungwon in half if he wanted to, and Hyungwon had probably done enough to make someone want to snap him in half. Holy shit. 

“You too, I’ve heard a lot about you.” Hyunwoo smiled politely. “Good to meet you as well, Hoseok. I feel like the boring one here, I’m not an ulzzang or model or an artist.” He laughed lightly. 

“What is it you do?” Hoseok questioned. 

“Physiotherapist.”

“Oh! That’s cool!” Hoseok seemed genuinely excited at the prospect. Kihyun liked the guy already, there was a certain pureness about him. “I think that makes you the least boring, I wish I had an important job like that.”

“So how long have you known Kihyun?” Hyungwon cut in, keeping a cheery tone. 

“Too long.” Hyunwoo laughed. 

“Tell me ‘bout it!” Kihyun leaned into his friend naturally, Hyungwon hated that.

“We went to school together, actually.” Hyunwoo slapped Kihyun on the back fondly.

“Oh, us too! Well, we went to different schools but attended the same dance classes. Did you know this gangly ol stick insect can actually dance? Even though he’s super clumsy. Like the time he fell off the catwalk! It’s on YouTube!” Hoseok laughed loudly. 

“Yeah? I’m more interested in seeing him dance.” Kihyun was going to have to see evidence that the model was a dancer at a later date, filing that knowledge away. 

“Thank you, Hoseok. Can you go get me another drink? Champagne but it has to be Bollinger or else I’ll know.” The model wanted some alone time with Hyunwoo.

“Fiiiine.” Hoseok rolled his eyes and departed. 

Apparently Hyunwoo had the same thing on his mind because as soon as Hoseok hopped off, he dismissed Kihyun. “Oh, Ki could you grab your dear hyung a few more of those stupidly small canapés? I feel judged because I’ve already had like 10 and I just saw them come out with fresh ones.”

“Yes your highness. You’re a growing boy after all.” Kihyun swatted at his friend as he walked away, leaving Hyungwon and Hyunwoo alone. 

Hyungwon dropped the softness from his face and straightened his posture, even though the other was just as tall as him. He cocked his head back and to the side and gave a hint of a smug smile and aura of superiority. 

“Wanted some alone time with me? I’m flattered, but you aren’t really my type.” In truth, Hyungwon was intimidated by the other man. Not physically, because despite his size Hyunwoo didn’t come across as someone physically violent and his posture was still relaxed. No, he felt threatened in a far worse way.

“You sent your friend away, too. Your glass is almost full but you had him go to the bar.”

“They don’t even have Bollinger. He’ll be gone a while.” He lifted the delicate glass to his lips, holding it by the long stem and swallowing the fizzy alcoholic liquid like it was nothing. “So, you must have something to say to me. I’m listening.” Hyungwon placed the empty glass in the hand of a random passer-by, they didn’t question it when they saw him and took the glass away. 

“I just wanted to thank you for being there for Kihyun.” Hyunwoo’s posture remained as casual as ever, completely unaffected by the cold vibes Hyungwon was putting out. That made the model uncomfortable. He usually had at least some unnerving affect on people.

“Not gonna tell me to stay away from him? You hate me, right? Honestly I hate you, too.” Hyungwon didn’t see any need to maintain pleasantries. _“Because I know you had him and you are a far better man than I. You can take him away from me but he’s mine.”_

“I don’t know what you mean.” Hyunwoo sipped his drink innocently, eyes crinkling in a polite little smile. He just couldn’t read this guy. Fuck. 

“Oh come on. Drop the nice guy Buddhist monk act. You gotta hate me. I put Kihyun through hell.” He moved closer. Hand curling around Hyunwoo’s glass. “I advise you not to piss me off. You’re smart, aren’t you? You said you work at SMC? Say I find one of your female patients. Say I pay them a good sum and they submit a complaint about how inappropriately you acted towards them. How would that look for you?” When mind games didn’t work there was always good old fashioned threats. 

“Threatening my job? Why? What do you gain from hurting me?” Hyunwoo still didn’t seem bothered and it was driving Hyungwon completely insane. Apparently this is what happens when the immovable object meets the unstoppable force. Interesting. Infuriating. Absolutely fucking maddening. 

“I need you to know I can do whatever I like.” Just about maintaining his composure, Hyungwon took the glass out of Hyunwoo’s hand and drank its contents before placing it back into the other man’s grip. 

“You must really care about him in a twisted way because you’re so afraid I won’t let Kihyun near you again or take him from you that you’re threatening me. Even though all I’ve done is thank you for helping him while he was in the hospital.” The black haired man looked a little conflicted for a moment but then forced eye contact with Hyungwon. “That said, you’re quite right that I don’t really like you and I don’t want you within a million miles of Kihyun. Unfortunately I can’t tell Kihyun what to do. Only guide and advise him. He’s a grown man, after all.” 

Hyungwon swallowed under the eye contact. Speechless for once in his life. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Nobody rendered him speechless. Nobody. Hyungwon had a smart mouth and an answer for everything. 

“He’ll walk away from you without my input, Hyungwon.” He continued, punctuating the sentence with another polite smile. 

 

 

———

 

 

Kihyun decided to get himself another drink while he waited for the woman carrying the mini toasts to pass by again. He slotted himself in next to Hoseok, who was begging the barman for champagne. 

“You sure you don’t have any Bollinger?”

“We only have Moët, Sir.”

“Could you check again? He’ll just send me back if I bring the wrong champagne. He really can tell.”

“You should get him the any old shit.” Kihyun chuckled as he stood next to the pale man. 

“Oh hey! And no way, I would literally never hear the end of it. A waiter brought him the wrong wine once and he threw it in the guy’s face. He’s very particular for a borderline alcoholic.”

“Wow that’s a dick move.”

Hoseok shrugged. “Yeah he’s kinda an asshole.”

“I’m sorry Sir we really don’t have any.” The barman explained when he returned. 

“How much do I have to pay one of your guys to go to the store up the street and buy some?” He took out his wallet and pulled out a wad of cash.

“Uh... about that much.” The barman smirked and took the money from his hand. “Won’t be long, Sir.”

Kihyun was dumbfounded that Hoseok had done that. Hyungwon obviously had him well trained. That was way more than the cost of a bottle of champagne. 

“Can I ask a weird question?” The ulzzang suddenly asked. 

“Uh sure? You might get a weird answer, though.”

“Why are with him? In... whatever your relationship is.”

“Uh... I don’t know... I guess I’m a glutton for punishment. Maybe I just hate myself. I.... have strong feelings for him and I don’t think he’s necessarily a bad person inside, just someone who’s in a lot of pain. Gotta take the bad with the good sometimes.”

“He’s not a bad person, you’re right. I think he really likes you because when he’s around someone just manipulate or fuck them he gets bored after like a week at most. He doesn’t attach himself to people, even when we were younger I was his only friend. He’s never been a people person.” Hoseok sighed. “But I gotta say he’s no angel, either. He’ll probably hurt you in the end.” Hoseok motioned across the room to where Hyungwon and Hyunwoo stood. The model was leaning into the other’s personal space. “He’s probably poking around inside your friend’s head right about now. He gets crazy jealous and he’s probably threatened by Hyunwoo.”

“He can try. Hyunwoo is pretty resilient. He doesn’t crack.”

“Hope not. He gets really fucking nasty when he can’t get into someone’s head. It really rattles him.”

“You seem very aware of his flaws so why are you still his friend?”

Hoseok paused for a few seconds. “Because Wonnie needs me.”

Kihyun looked back over at the two across the room. “I see....”

“Go rescue him.”

“Fine, fine.” Kihyun ordered himself another drink first. He knew his friend would be immune to any of Hyungwon’s bullshit and it didn’t take a genius to work out that Hyungwon would be jealous. He grabbed a handful of crab toasts from a passing tray, downed his drink and meandered back over to the pair.

“Hey boys what’s up? Here’s your food, hyung.”

“Oh you’re the best! I was just thanking Hyungwon for going to the hospital when I could get out of work.” Hyunwoo took the toasts and popped one in his mouth. 

“Yeah?” He looked over at Hyungwon, the model’s face was back to it’s well practiced bored expression. “Could I have a moment with you alone, Hyungwon?” He gave a quick glance to Hyunwoo as he took The model aside. 

“Did you play nice?”

“Of course.” 

“Liar. Don’t mess with him, though. Seriously, he means a lot to me. Not that I think you could mess with him even if you wanted to. Which probably makes you want to fuck with him even more.”

“I shall do no such thing. I have no desire to have any conflict with that man.” He lied. He supposed he had bigger problems than Hyunwoo at the moment, though. 

“Glad to hear it.” Kihyun gave an unconvinced smile. “Hey, so I never really congratulated you. I’ve been to a few of these sorts of things and you really pulled it off.” He changed the subject. 

“Thank you, it took a lot more mental resources than I expected but I’m pretty satisfied with how it turned out.”

“Oh before I forget, did you want this back?” Kihyun held up his hand where he wore the ring Hyungwon had given him for his interview.

“No, I gave it to you. Its yours. It seemed to serve you well. I never got the chance to congratulate you either. I was really impressed with your interview. Sorry, I meant to text you after I watched it but I’ve been a little caught up in all this and some other things.”

“I’m just pleased you actually watched it. Wasn’t too grim of me to mention the suicide photo was it?”

“No, I thought you articulated it very tastefully.” With a long index finger he tilted Kihyun’s chin up. The taller man met his eyes for a few long seconds and leaned down and placed a kiss tenderly to Kihyun’s lips. He felt Kihyun jerk slightly like he was going to pull away but he didn’t. The model had flicked his eyes up just prior to reassure himself that Hyunwoo would see. As if to tell the physiotherapist Kihyun belonged to him. “How ‘bout I congratulate you by sucking you off and you can congratulate me by letting me?”

“R-Right now?” Kihyun’s cheeks turned pink almost instantly. 

“Not unless you’ve got a hell of an exhibitionist kink. I was thinking more along the lines of in a moment when we get to a bathroom stall. Because I’m a classy bitch like that.” He grinned and tugged Kihyun along in the direction of the bathrooms, sending a wink to Hyunwoo as he didactic hoping Kihyun didn’t notice that part. 

“Making up for not being in the mood before?” Was it dickies for him to bring that up?

“Yep.” Hyungwon pushed him through the doors, not caring about the gentleman washing his hands in there. _“Am I? Or is this a power play?”_

“E-Excuse me Sir.” Kihyun bumbled out an apology to the man, prying himself away from Hyungwon. 

“Yes, sorry Sir. My friend here is in quite the rush. He ate some bad shrimp. I’d get outta here while you still can if I were you.” The model grinned and pushed Kihyun into the closest stall before he could say anything in his defence. 

“Why did you say that?!” Kihyun hissed when he heard the man leave. 

“We are most assuredly not up to any homosexual acts!!” Hyungwon yelled at the empty room, making Kihyun turn even redder. 

“What the fuck Hyungwon!?”

“Better fuck my mouth if you wanna shut me up.” Hips pressed against hips and long fingers moved through silver hair. 

“Y’know what? I don’t think I will. Not really into bathroom stall fumbles.” Kihyun turned his face away from Hyungwon but made no real attempt to push him away. Not yet, anyway,

“You’re the one who came here with me and tarted yourself up to look like this.”

It was the presumption that pissed Kihyun off. “Well now I’m saying no.”

“Fine. Come back to mine. I’ll let you fuck me properly. I don’t want you to hold back. You look so fucking good, I’ll let you break me if you wanna.” He sounded sad and desperate again didn’t he? Desperate for validation. He kissed at Kihyun’s neck, hand still in his hair. 

Goddamn did Kihyun want to take him up on that offer. But he had to prove to himself that he didn’t completely belong to the model. He wasn’t just at his beck and call. He still had his bodily autonomy. “Hmm think I’ll pass. Hyunwoo and I are taxi sharing home and I said he could come crash at mine to save on fare.” 

“Seriously? You’re turning me down?” Hyungwon pulled back to stare in disbelief. 

“Yep. Shame, you were so confident you’d get me into bed.” Kihyun pecked his cheek briefly and slid out of his grip. _“I was due a win.”_

“Really?”

“See ya.” He turned on his heel swiftly and exited the bathroom stall. He needed to get outta there before he changed his mind and lost his composure, leaving Hyungwon stunned and feeling cold. 

What the fuck was that? Since when do people turn him down? Clearly his mental grip on Kihyun wasn’t as firm as he thought. It was a real shame because he really could have done with the distraction from his current blackmail problem. 

He straightened his clothes and returned to the party, finding Hoseok. Or rather, Hoseok finding him almost immediately.

“You were a dick to Hyunwoo, weren’t you?” His friend said, shoving a glass of champagne at him. Momentarily taken a little off guard he gave his friend an incredulous look, taking the glass.

“No.”

“You were all up in his personal space. I know what your body language is like. I also know it’s because you’re jealous.”

“So what if it is? Look, I’m not in the mood for Mr Moral Superiority.” His ego was already bruised enough.

“Too bad because you’re getting it. I was taking with Hyunwoo and Kihyun just appeared and told him he wanted to leave. He seemed flustered, you must have taken out your frustrations on him too. I actually expected him to be kinda a dick because he’d hurt you he seems like a good guy. Makes me suspect you did something to deserve it. You need to leave him alone.”

This was not a welcome outburst from Hoseok and the timing couldn’t have been worse. Hyungwon pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’re giving me a fucking headache.” 

“You know what? I’m not in the mood for this either. Hyungwon. I’m sick of making excuses for you to myself.” Hoseok knew when there was no reasoning with Hyungwon. He cut his losses and made a swift exit from the situation. 

Hyungwon was suddenly so tired. So fucking tired. The plummet in his mood meant the last place he wanted to be was in this room full of people. He hated parties. They were lonely places. Especially when he didn’t have the energy to engage or put on a false smile. 

He sat himself on the stool at the far end of the bar. He just wanted to be alone with a bottle of whisky. That’s where he sat as the room began to empty of people towards the end of the night. 

As he steadily worked his way through the bottle he became frustrated that alcohol barely touched him these days. He had built up quite the tolerance. He was also irritated by a presence making its way closer to him and casting him glances. A young man with white hair, a pretty thing with a big bright smile and white hair. Hyungwon recognised him as the spoiled son of some dusty old bastard at the head of a big conglomerate. Lee Minhyuk was it?

Hyungwon had seen him at a lot of exclusive events but their paths had never quite crossed. He’d found Minhyuk too loud and annoying to approach before, even though he was pretty attractive and exactly the type Hyungwon would want to fuck roughly against a wall. He came across as cute and feisty. Hyungwon liked feisty. He liked to break feisty. 

“Finally I get my chance to talk to Chae Hyungwon. You look handsome with pink hair.” Minhyuk giggled, a little tipsy. “Shame you’re not really my type.” He lamented dramatically. 

“What’s your type? Considering you’re the one approaching me I can’t be too far off what you like.”

“I usually like guys with more meat on their bones, darling. Nice thicc thighs and an ass I can grab onto.”

“Won’t be a problem if you leave the grabbing to me.” What was he doing?

“Hmmm buy me another drink and maybe I’ll suck your dick in return. If you’re lucky.” Minhyuk winked. God, he was really gorgeous. And easy. But he wasn’t Kihyun...

“One drink? Cheap. Then again expensive looking boys like you usually are pretty cheap.”

“Savage but I hear you’re an easy ride, yourself. I’d have approached you sooner if you weren’t so intimidating.”

Hyungwon did buy him a drink. And true to his word Minhyuk followed him to the bathroom stalls and sucked his dick. The exact same stall he’d been in with Kihyun two hours prior. The white haired man was really fucking good with his mouth. Practice made perfect, he supposed. Hyungwon didn’t let himself feel guilty, even when he was watching his dick disappear into that pretty mouth or when he was licking his own semen off Minhyuk’s flushed and panting face. 

It was nice to play the game. To be able to use someone without emotions getting in the way. To wear the mask of the person he presented to the world. The ice prince. Uncaring. It was freeing, in a way. Minhyuk was perfectly happy to be used and Hyungwon was happy to use him. It felt different to when he was Kihyun, less complicated. There were foreign emotions involved when it came to Kihyun. This was simple. Basic. Just getting off. A nasty little part of him saying that if Kihyun wast gonna sate him he’d just get it from somewhere else. 

But did this always feel so hollow?

“I might be willing to let you fuck me.” Minhyuk breathed against Hyungwon’s neck as he sucked a fresh hickey onto the skin, his own neglected hardness pressed against the model’s thigh. 

“Ask your daddy to pay for you to get those uneven eyes fixed and maybe I will. It’s annoying me.”

“Oh burn. After I gave you such a good blowjob, too. How bout I give you my number and you can let me know if you change your mind? Blindfold me or fuck me from behind if my eyes bother you that much. I love it rough and dirty.” The white haired man rolled his hips against Hyungwon for friction. 

“Sure.” Hyungwon made himself seem completely disinterested but honestly, he’d love to rip the expensive clothes right off Minhyuk’s body and ruin him. He took out his phone and typed in the contact as _Thirsty Twink_ before handing the device to Minhyuk. 

“Thirsty twink? I’ve been called worse, sweetie. Nice try.” He tapped in his number and handed the phone back.

“Great, now stop humping me like a dog. I’m going home.”

“What not gonna let me get off at all? That’s cold.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Hyungwon this is why you can’t have nice things! 
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry this was so late you guys! I’ve only had a couple of hours free this week here and there while I’ve been I’m Seoul and Busan. 
> 
> If you are interested in what I’ve been busying myself with instead if updating on time, check out my travel Instagram :D IntrovertWanders 
> 
> —
> 
>  
> 
> Next time: How will Kihyun react to this betrayal?


	10. The Worst of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things blow up again between Hyungwon and Kihyun but maybe it’s a turning point in them getting themselves together?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little warning to be aware that there some intense themes coming up in this chapter. This is quite a heavy one!

The guilt didn’t really hit Hyungwon until the next morning. He noticed a deep red hickey on his neck in the bathroom mirror as he swallowed his medication. That stupid twink Minhyuk must have left it there. The model was already annoyed with himself for giving into his need for control, his need to belittle and his need to win. Minhyuk had been the perfect outlet for his frustrations. 

_“Why should I care? Kihyun and I aren’t boyfriends and Minhyuk was looking to get used. I can do what I like.... so why does this feel like a betrayal? Maybe because it was out of spite...”_

There was a crawling kind of discomfort in the back of his head when he thought about Minhyuk. He eerily reminded him a lot of himself. Desperate and seeking validation, the difference was that Minhyuk wasn’t so concerned about hiding it. Ideal prey. Practically serving himself up on a platter.

_“Am I different to the men who exploited me for their pleasure?”_

He felt like shit today. The bad days were becoming more frequent. He grabbed his phone from under his pillow and typed out a brief message to his manager. 

_Hyungwon 09:22am  
Don’t care what I have on today, cancel it. I’m sick. Call me while I’m sleeping and you’ll be clearing out your desk by tomorrow morning._

He hit send and tossed his phone carelessly down onto the dresser after turning the damn thing off, not bothering to pick it up when it overshot and slid off the edge and landed on the floor. Who cares if it’s broken? It was just a disposable thing. Like Minhyuk. Like himself. But not like Kihyun.

_“Shit. What the fuck is wrong with my brain lately? I need to get it together. I can’t fucking deal with all this shit. Kihyun, the label and those photographs. Now Hoseok is mad at me and what the fuck was I thinking with Minhyuk? Kihyun’s gonna see this hickey for sure and it’ll become an argument... I could just not see him until it fades but... but I want to see him. I miss him already. Shit. This is all just too much.”_

The empty space inside him ached. He was feeling more unstable than he had in years, he was at least self aware enough to recognise that. He made a mental list for saving himself. He had to clear the air with Hoseok, make an appointment with his psychiatrist, focus on his career and above all.... be with Kihyun. 

Hyungwon lay around his apartment for a while, waiting for the feeling to pass or at least fade. 

But it didn’t. Of course it didn’t. 

Fuck, he wanted to see Kihyun. It was stupid because he had actual problems he needed to address. Kihyun should really be at the bottom of the priority list. Below his career, his dwindling sanity and a blackmail problem which wasn’t going to go away on its own. Even though he wasn’t sure the bitch would have the guts to do anything. He was at least 80% sure she was bluffing about releasing the photographs. It wouldn’t do her any good at the end of the day. That wasn’t a risk he was willing to take, though. He had to deal with her. 

But Kihyun still came first. 

It was early evening when he yielded and left his apartment to visit Kihyun. Still dressed in his clothes from the night before, hair unruly and the minimal makeup he’d worn faded from his face. He didn’t really consider the fact he was showing up completely unannounced until he’d already pressed the buzzer for Kihyun’s apartment. The second thought he had at that moment was that Kihyun mentioned Hyunwoo was staying at his place for the night. It was already late so hopefully he would be gone by now. Frankly, the last thing he needed was to have to interact with that man again. 

When Kihyun opened the door he looked surprised and somewhat disgruntled to say the least. “You didn’t tell me you were coming.” He said simply. His words a little jaunty, sometimes he wasn’t a good communicator and it made him come across a little obtuse sometimes. 

“Sorry. I just missed you.”

“I really don’t like unannounced visits, Hyungwon.” His home was his sphere of control, after all. The intrusion was harder to get over today. “How can you miss me? You saw me last night.”

“Sorry. Can I come in?” Since when was he so needy? He was never this needy. 

“Fine, yes. Come in. Please put your shoes neatly.” He sighed and let Hyungwon in. 

The model obeyed and slipped off his shoes, placing them neatly in line with Kihyun’s for the first time since they’d known each other. His actions a little lethargic, his body ached today. 

“Uh sorry. Could you put them to the left of mine? Sorry. Usually I could live with it but I’m always worse the day after I’ve been drinking. It’s just going to be there irritating me otherwise.” Kihyun felt a little bad, actually. Hyungwon was trying to satisfy his obsessive compulsions for once and he tells him its wrong. He had to indulge himself today, though. Goddamn he really shouldn’t drink. He really shouldn’t have stayed awake and drank soju with Hyunwoo for so long. He scratched at his hands, the skin already irritated from scratching anxiously through the day. 

“My surprise visit doesn't help, I guess. Sorry.” Hyungwon admitted and moved his shoes. 

“Not really, but it’s ok.” Not being called out as a weirdo for his eccentricities was oddly heart warming. 

Hyungwon looked him up and down automatically, the photographer was dressed in some tight acid washed skinny jeans and a One Ok Rock T-shirt which looked like it had seen better days. His makeup from the previous night was gone but he still wore all the earrings. His smokey hair was pushed back off his face by a sparkly purple headband. It was cute and it made something inside the model smile. He followed the silver haired cutie into the living room. “I’ll remember for next time.” His thoughts drifted to his phone which was still laying on his floor at home. 

“You’re lucky you caught me before I could put a sheet mask on. I wouldn’t have answered the door.” He removed the head band, a little embarrassed about being caught wearing the item, and shook his hair out. It was getting kinda long. Boy, did Hyungwon want to run his fingers through it all night and forget his problems. 

“I really love the silver hair.”

“It’s super damaged at the ends, gonna have to cut some of it off I think. Knew I shouldn’t have bleached it again. I might have to sleep with coconut oil in it, I refuse to pay out for Olaplex.” He paused and looked over at Hyungwon and suddenly both their hopes of a peaceful evening went out the window. “Uh. What’s that on your neck?” Kihyun’s tone switched to harsh and accusatory, mood turning on a dime.

“Oh.” His hand came up to the mark Minhyuk had left. He’d actually forgotten about it. Fuck. 

“Seriously? I don’t sleep with you so you go and get that thing on your neck?” Kihyun narrowed his eyes, his stance tensing up. “That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? To rub it in my fucking face. I must be stupid because I’d actually convinced myself you gave a fuck about me.” Was every sweet moment a lie? Was every tender kiss just Hyungwon building him up so he fell further when he broke him down? The pretty words just a deception? Lies. All lies. 

Something clenched inside Hyungwon’s chest. Kihyun was probably right to expect the worst from him because Hyungwon had indeed fooled around with Minhyuk out of spite. Right now he honestly didn’t have the energy or drive to argue or apologise and plead that he regretted it. Right now, giving Kihyun the worst version of himself and wearing that ugly husk was far easier than being vulnerable and took far less of his mental reserves. 

_“So that is how this will go. I will be unapologetic and break him down like he expects. I’ll hurt him until he hurts me back.”_ Hyungwon almost had to actually steel himself before landing the first verbal blow. Was it always this difficult to do? “Hmm? Well, I happened to bump into someone cute.” He leaned in closer, remembering the scent of sweat and Minhyuk’s Chanel No5 was probably still lingering on his body since he had neglected to shower. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Kihyun shoved the taller away so hard that his back hit the wall harshly. 

Hyungwon let a languid smirk tug at the corners of his mouth. “I don’t remember us agreeing to be mutually exclusive. I’m just taking the pressure off you needing to satisfy me alone. Minhyuk was very convenient and you weren’t into it last night.” Hyungwon’s brain was speeding up, analysing the other’s reactions, calculating his words several steps ahead. 

“You only did it because you knew I’d hate it. Like a punishment. Was it just because I wouldn’t fuck you? Or was it because you wanted to come show off a hickey and make me jealous?” Kihyun wasn’t entirely wrong. He got up into Hyungwon’s personal space. They weren’t boyfriends so Kihyun had no right in that respect to be mad about Hyungwon getting off with someone else. No, it was the motivation behind it that hurt. The fact Hyungwon apparently wanted to hurt him. 

_“He’s lying. It’s always been a lie. He’s a snake. You fell for it. This is a game and he’s winning. You’re a toy. A doll. Look at his face. There’s nothing in his eyes.”_ The paranoid voice in Kihyun’s head was going into overdrive. 

Trapped between the wall and Kihyun, Hyungwon wondered how far he could push this time to satisfy his appetite for self destruction. “My life doesn’t entirely revolve around you, Ki.” Except at this point, it more or less did. 

“Do you believe your own bullshit?” Kihyun hissed. 

No, Hyungwon didn’t believe it. Not for a second. “I feel sorry for you and so I keep you around. Nobody else would fuck you, Ki.” That sounded too much to the last rational part of himself. But he couldn’t stop driving the knife in, simultaneously sadistic and masochistic and wanting to pull the photographer off the edge with him. “You’re not attractive enough to make up for your crabby attitude and little meltdowns.” Shit, he really was sick in the head. _“Stop. I need to stop this.”_

There was a sudden sharp pain across his face. Kihyun had punched him. It almost felt like a relief to Hyungwon to be struck like that, he got off on hurting them both. The pain reminded him he was alive. 

“You’re a slut.” Kihyun’s spat, his tone biting and full of spite. He gripped a fist full of Hyungwon’s messy pink hair roughly, eyes dark and sharp. Kihyun’s tongue could be just as venomous as the model’s. “Keep fucking around with everything that moves and even someone like me won’t want you. You feel sorry for me? You’re the one who’s gonna end up a sad used up whore. Alone, drowning yourself in alcohol and choking on the pills you pour down your fucking throat.” He really knew how to bite back. 

“Even when I’m all used up you’ll still want me. You can’t quit me, can you? I own you. You’re like a bitey little pet.” Despite the pain down half his face, he quirked a smug smile. _“I don’t know how to stop hurting you. Hurting everyone is easier than being weak...”_

“You know you’re nothing to them, right? You’re a convenient hole or dick for them just like they are to you. I bet you feel like shit after but you still do it because you’re damaged and insane.” Kihyun scoffed, his grip on pink hair tightening painfully. “You did it because of me, right? Doesn’t that make you wonder who owns who?”

 _“Hurting People makes feel powerful for a few minutes...”_ Hyungwon thought. “You’re quite right, so what am I gonna be for you right now, Kihyun? A hole or a dick?” He grabbed Kihyun’s hips and pulled their bodies flush against each other. _“So sometimes I need to be reminded that I have no value.”_

The look in the photographer’s eyes was murderous. He ripped Hyungwon away from the wall and turned him around before dragging him along by his hair to throw him down onto the couch, putting physical distance between them. “Neither. You're nothing.”

Nothing.

The insidious smirk was still on Hyungwon’s features as he turned over onto his back. “Oh? Can’t get it up when you’re angry?”

“Shit. I fucking hate that look on your face.” Kihyun descended on him like a predatory beast and tore open the white shirt the model wore, sending the buttons flying off in all directions. 

“So wipe it off.” There was another sharp sting across his face, Kihyun slapped him but it did nothing to change the infuriating expression looking up at him. 

“Shut the fuck up.” Kihyun sucked on the same spot Minhyuk had, laying his own mark over it possessively. “I hate you. Gotta thank you for one thing. Next to you maybe I don’t look so crazy.”

“Aw Minhyuk worked so hard on that.” The comment earned him a set of fingernails scraping harshly down his exposed chest. Misery loves company, as they say. Maybe that’s why they were like this. 

“Goddamnit, fuck you Hyungwon. I’m not giving you this one. I need to fucking calm down before I do something we both regret.” He tore himself away from the model and backed away, being sure not to go near the kitchen because that was where the knives lived. This argument probably wasn’t over and he didn’t trust himself to be within arms reach of anything sharp. “You need locking away in a padded room.”

“Can’t finish what you started? Fine. See ya.” He lifted himself from the couch and took steps towards the door. 

“Where are you going?” The distance between them left space for a few sane thoughts trickle through Kihyun’s head. The thought that Hyungwon wasn’t ok, that he was vulnerable right now. That was why he was being like this. Something was probably horribly wrong. 

“Dunno. Maybe I’ll see Minhyuk since I got his number and he sucked my dick so well.” He lied, he had no intention of going near that twink again. 

“Hyungwon I swear to god if you walk out that door...” Kihyun warned, his voice trembled with the effort of trying to keep it level. Conflicting thoughts were screaming through his brain, he could barely organise his words coherently. 

“You’ll always let me back into your life anyway.” Sometimes Hyungwon had this terrible dead expression on his face. Like he didn’t care about anything, like everything and everyone was inconsequential to him. It was even worse than that horrible smirk. 

“You’re a sick fuck. Do you really get off on this? Does it make your dick hard to make me lose control? You know how I get!” With every word Kihyun’s voice became a little louder. 

“It’s fun because you’re pathetic. Getting all worked up. I can fuck whoever I like. You’re too stuck on me to have anyone else, not my fault. Anyway, if you think I’m the sick fuck what does that make you? You’re the one who can’t get a handle on himself. You hit me twice just now. You’re dangerous.” 

Dangerous. 

Kihyun snapped when that word left the model’s lips. 

The first thing Kihyun’s hand landed on was an empty soju bottle which was left on the coffee table from the night before. Not a single coherent thought passed through his mind as he smashed it on the edge of the table and lunged at the model. Just white noise urging him to hurt the man in front of him. 

It all happened in a flash but the adrenaline pumping through Hyungwon’s bloodstream allowed him to react fast enough to catch his wrist on time before the glass could pierce his skin. The jagged edges stopped an inch from his shoulder. Kihyun tried to fight him, pushing it closer to the model’s flesh. 

Fear of death. It was exhilarating. Terrifying. Addictive. “Please, Ki!” Hyungwon wouldn’t be able to hold him off for long, Kihyun was stronger than him. 

The plea permeated the red mist in Kihyun’s mind. He quickly came to his senses, dropping the bottle as his body suddenly shook with sobs, crumpling into Hyungwon’s body. The impulsive rage disappearing as fast as it came on. 

Hyungwon’s heart was hammering hard against his rib cage. He could hear his own pulse thundering in his ears. A slower reaction time could have had him bleeding to death on the floor right now. 

“I’m so sorry! Fuck! I could have killed you just then. Fuck!” Kihyun choked out. 

Hyungwon cautiously brought his arms around the other man as if he was some kind of ticking time bomb. In a way he was. “No... I’m sorry...” His voice was almost a whisper. The realisation that he’d almost driven a man to kill him was dawning on him. 

This wasn’t like the time in his office. This time a part of Kihyun had wanted to end him. 

“I... I need to go calm down. I can’t think.” Kihyun’s brain was on fire. He needed to re-centre himself. He slipped away from Hyungwon’s arms and into the bathroom. 

Hyungwon stood there stunned, the side of his face aching as he stared into the empty space which used to contain Kihyun. The sound of the shower running was the only noise in the apartment for a few minutes until he heard the sound of frustrated tears being shed. Hyungwo. envied the fact Kihyun could let it out. Even though the explosive nature of his emotions was a problem, Hyungwon couldn’t help but think that was better than living with the constant emotional pressure pressure in his head.

Kihyun sat under the shower, trying to even out his breathing. He was still fully clothed as he sat under the water, soaking him through and diluting his tears. The sound of the water drowned the world out perfectly, he always found it to be calming. Be it falling rain or the shower. 

“Breathe in for a count of four and out for a count of five.” He told himself out loud.  
He felt himself steadily calm down, enough to realise he still had his phone in his pocket. He supposed the thing was pretty fucked as he fished it out and tossed it onto the bathroom floor. 

Fuck, that was the second phone he’d ruined recently, his temper was expensive. 

The photographer tilted his head back so the water would run down over his face, beginning to sort through the things flying through his head. 

_“We never did agree to be mutually exclusive, did we? I’m sure he messed around with someone else to spite me though.... but he looked so sad when he arrived. Maybe it isn’t all a deception. I’m sure he isn’t in his right mind. Neither of us really are... God, I got so fucking out of control and I could feel it coming but I couldn’t put the breaks in. Jesus fucking Christ. I thought I was gonna shove that bottle right into his neck.”_

It was over two hours before Kihyun emerged with new clothes and wet hair. Hyungwon was now sat on the couch, hugging his knees close to his chest and back leaning against the armrest. They looked at each other across the room for a few moments in silence until Kihyun finally moved and sat himself on the couch with the other man. The taller relaxed his position so that Kihyun could sit between his legs, back pressed against his chest. 

A long moment passed between them. “You don’t know how hard I’ve worked to keep that part of me down. How hard I worked on my issues to keep my impulses under control.” A shaky breath and another pause of silence. “I think I may have to go back on my medication.”

“I’m sorry Kihyun. I’m so sorry. I love you. You said I was a cunt before but that wasn’t a strong enough word, was it? Fuck. I love you but I torture you. I like to fuck with people because it makes me feel powerful. I never hated that about myself until you came along. I know I’m a bad person and I never cared until now.”

“How the fuck can this be love?”

“I do love you. I’m so fucking screwed up and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“If this truly is love then I don’t want it.” Kihyun’s words trembled a little. 

That hurt. Why did it hurt? “You’re right....”

“We need to stop, Hyungwon.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“We have to.”

“Can we just try to be healthy? We were doing so well before I fucked up with Minhyuk, you want exclusivity? I’ll give you that. Take the jealousy out of it. Please, Ki. Maybe we can turn this mess into love for real.”

Despite his instincts to run, who was Kihyun to decline that offer? “Ok...” He was already in this deep, may as well let himself drown. 

“Thank you.”

“Let me get you some ice for your face. It’ll help stop it bruising up too bad.” Kihyun stood before Hyungwon could say anything else, wiping the tears off his cheeks. He padded into the kitchen, avoiding the broken glass on the floor and removed an ice pack from the freezer. He carefully wrapped it in a soft cloth so it wouldn’t be too harsh against the model’s face. On his way back over to him he grabbed a pan and brush. “Here.” He passed Hyungwon the ice pack and began sweeping up the glass shards. 

It never escaped him how accustomed he was to sweeping up broken things. Every time he did it he told himself it was the last time, knowing it was a bitter lie. 

“Thanks.” Came Hyungwon’s delayed response as he pressed the compress against the side of his face. “Would you believe that’s the first time someone’s punched me?”

“That actually does surprise me.” He said honestly as he dumped the broken glass from the pan. Hyungwon was probably pretty infuriating even for normal people, after all. 

Another silence fell until Kihyun rejoined him on the couch, taking his previous position leaning against the other. “I’m really worried about you, Hyungwon.”

“Why?”

“It’s probably hypocritical coming from someone like me but your behaviour seems to be becoming more irrational and self destructive.”

“I’ll be ok. I don’t want to die.”

“Not wanting to die isn’t the same is being ok. I don’t want to die and I’m not ok right now.”

“I don’t think I know what being ok feels like so I’ll settle for not being at rockbottom.”

“We’re good at making each other worse, maybe we should apply that to doing the opposite.”

Hyungwon reached out and ran his hand through damp smokey coloured hair. “I’m.... really struggling, Kihyun.”

“Let me in so I can help you....” When had he become so forgiving? He wasn’t sure if it was a good or a bad thing. “Please stop pushing me.”

Hyungwon just nodded. 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Hyungwon avoided his other pressing issue for a few days. Intimidating people and seeking revenge on those who crossed him used to be so easy and used to bring him such delight. So why did it feel so difficult now?

Finally he decided he needed to deal with it. He’d feel better when there wasn’t the looming threat of those images hanging over his head. It was time to let his inner crazy bitch run free. He didn’t make it this far in life without becoming good at being actually really fucking scary. Granted, his fearsome reputation generally meant that these days he didn’t need to do much to put the fear of god into someone. 

Hyungwon riled himself up, thinking about how this dumb bitch was thinking she could waltz into the agency and threaten his career. She probably thought she’d won. Thought she was the queen fucking be. 

He stood out the back of the agency building, smoking a cigarette. He knew for a fact her shoot would be ending soon. He had also observed that she would go out to smoke straight after a session. 

While he waited, he made his appointment to see his psychiatrist. Another task ticked off the list in his quest to regain control of his mind. After this all he really needed to do was clear the air with Hoseok then get a good work schedule going. There was finally light at the end of the tunnel. 

He lit up a cigarette himself. Maybe one day he would quit. Probably not. 

As predicted, she came out a few minutes later. She didn’t seem to notice Hyungwon leaning against the wall as she dug around in her handbag until he spoke. 

“Those photos make me look like a real slut.” He casually pushed himself off the wall and stepped closer to her, causing her head whipped up in surprise to look at him. “Fitting. Because I kinda am a bit of a slut. It works out well for me, actually. Know why?” He continued with a dangerous tone, breathing smoke across her face. He dropped the half finished cigarette and crushed it under one of his Fendi black ankle boots. 

“Why?” The young woman narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. People did that when they felt threatened and wanted to hide that fact. 

“Dirty old perverts and sexually repressed men in miserable marriages just love to fuck guys like me. I’m tainted fruit that’s just tempting enough to want a taste. A lot of them just get off on the taboo of fucking a guy.” He walked a circle around her like a shark around it’s prey. Or a snake coiling around it’s next meal. 

She scoffed but Hyungwon could practically smell her fear and discomfort. 

“Thing is, there’s a lot of men like that in positions of power and they’d do pretty much anything to stop it getting out that I let them fuck me. Or even better, that they begged me to fuck them.” He laughed coldly. “Wives and shareholders don’t take kindly to those shenanigans so it’s in their interests to keep me happy. Then there’s also the ones who’d do just about anything to get inside me. Pathetic, isn’t it?”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m going to get you fired from this agency. There’s nothing you can do about that but if you distribute those images of me it’ll be much worse. Rather than just getting you fired from this agency I’ll make sure the whole industry sees you as a disgrace. You’ll never get hired again. Do not underestimate the number of ears I can whisper in.” He leaned into her personal space so that his breath tickled her ear, punctuating his words. “You seemed sweet on Yoo Kihyun. Did you even realise I got your pictures trashed because he’s mine? It wasn’t about you. I did it because I didn’t like him looking at someone who wasn’t me. He’s so pretty when he comes, y’know.

“You’re a degenerate! I bet you really have slept with every CEO in the country, homosexuals have no morals!” She shoved him away hard and slapped him across the face, the side where a bruise had bloomed across his cheek from where Kihyun had punched him. 

“Listen, bitch.” He hissed, grabbing her wrist and yanking her forward. He took her face in his hand and stared coldly into her eyes. “Maybe I’m a whore with no morals but that’s got nothing to do with what genitals the people I fuck have.” He shoved her against the wall and took his lighter out of his pocket, igniting the flame he held it up close to her face. _“I need her to be afraid.”_

“W-What are you doing? You’re insane!” She panicked. 

“You better be a good girl and do as I’ve asked. I want evidence that those files are gone.” He held her head still and brought the flame close enough to her cheek to hurt. Just to redden the skin without causing any permanent damage. “Otherwise you’re going to regret ever crossing my path.” He wasn’t one for physical violence but he didn’t want to have to revisit this issue. Needed it dealt with and out of the way. 

She yelped and pulled away from her, releasing her from his grip. She was crying now. Good. He walked away, leaving her shaking and holding her cheek. Some lessons needed to be learned the hard way.

Hyungwon wondered vaguely why making some cry wasn’t quite as amusing as it used to be. He almost felt bad. 

Almost. 

 

:::::::::::::::::::

 

_Hyungwon 1:34pm  
Sorry for being a dick. Want to come over tonight to braid each other’s hair? Or y’know, eat some food and hang out like the super many men we are?_

He needed to reconcile with Hoseok. The man was his crutch. His pillar to keep him standing. 

_Hoseok 1:41pm  
Thank you for acknowledging your dickishness. You had me at hair braiding. Also food. I’ll bring some on my way if you like?_

_Hyungwon 1:42pm  
Thank you for calling out my dickishness. Sushi?_

_Hoseok 1:42pm  
What is it with you and raw ass fish? But fine, I’ll go to the place by you cos they do ramen too. _

_Hyungwon: 1:45pm  
Good because that’s the place with the fish tanks. Freshest sashimi around! I like the fact I can still taste it’s soul >:3 _

Nothing quite compared to such fresh sashimi. Even though it would sit waiting in his fridge until Hoseok left. His friend was used to the fact eating together actually meant he’d eat and Hyungwon would wait until he was alone. 

_Hoseok 1:46pm  
One order of fish souls coming right up. 7pm ok?_

_Hyungwon 1:47pm  
6? I’m tired, wanna sleep early :(_

_Hoseok 1:50pm  
It’s a date :D _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: Hyungwon and Hoseok’s friendship may have come to an impasse while Kihyun and Hyungwon try to make things work. How will Hyunwoo take that?
> 
> —
> 
>  
> 
> Also: was dreading going back to work after my travels but it was all good because my boss landed me Monsta X tickets in the high touch zone :’D


	11. My Only Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon’s attitude makes him lose something important. Kihyun wants to help him heal and has a surprise for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this chapter ended up pretty long sorry (bout 7000 words rather than the usual 5000)! There wasn’t a place I wanted to break it up at, though.

___

 

When Hoseok arrived at Hyungwon’s place with the food, he automatically placed the sushi in the fridge, expecting that Hyungwon would eat it later. 

_“I ate in front of Kihyun. I should be able to eat in front of Hoseok, too. I should push myself.”_ Hyungwon thought as he watched his friend shut the fridge. “I think I’ll eat it now. I’m pretty hungry.”

Hoseok looked at him, surprised. “You want to eat with me?”

“Yeah.”

Hoseok smiled widely and took the food back out of the fridge. He didn’t say anything more on the topic, not wanting to make a big deal of it in case Hyungwon changed his mind. It had been years since he’d seen him eat. He also thought it best not to ask about the bruise on his face just yet. He probably wasn’t going to like the answer, anyway. For now ignorance was bliss. 

While they ate, they chatted about the dance studio Hoseok wanted to set up. He wanted to do it so that young teenagers who found themselves without direction would have somewhere to go after school and weekends for a constructive outlet. It was something he’d wanted to do for a long time and he’d joke about Hyungwon making a guest appearance. 

After eating they sat around watching TV for a while, Hyungwon mentally congratulating himself for getting through the whole meal without much discomfort. 

“Oh I got a sponsorship for a cosmetics company. They sent me a load of free stuff so I’m drowning in face cream if you want any.” Hoseok said suddenly. 

“Are you suggesting I need more beauty products? Am I not beautiful enough? I’m not sure the world is ready.”

“Your ego is truly beautiful, that’s for sure.”

“So is yours. You’re the one who posts half naked photos of himself online for a living.”

“Touché. Oh, I hear there’s controversy at your agency. They fired a high profile model without any explanation.” 

“Oh really?” Hyungwon looked away, deciding if he should bother lying or not. 

Hoseok narrowed his eyes. “Wait... was that you? Why?”

“She had it coming. Shoulda burned the bitch’s face off.” He didn’t really mean that, but it the harshness just slipped out.

“Burned her fa— I’m not even gonna go there.” Hoseok sighed. “And I’ve been meaning to ask about the bruise on your face. I was too scared of the answer but now I feel like I have to ask in case it’s related.”

“No. The bruise is from Kihyun punching me.” He said simply, his body language and tone becoming closed off. 

“Why did he hit you?”

“Because I fooled around with that Lee Minhyuk brat after the show. You know him, the slutty little daddy’s boy.”

“Why on earth would you do that?” 

“Because Minhyuk is easy, he’s a pretty slut who’ll spread his legs for anyone and at the time I just wanted to spite Kihyun.”

Hoseok’s sighed. “Of course. I really wish you wouldn’t talk about people like that. I hate that word.”

“Slut?”

“Yeah. Don’t you remember how much it hurt you to be called such things? It’s dehumanising and you know I can’t stand it.”

“If he’d get upset by it he’d need to toughen up a bit. He can’t expect to sleep around and not be called a slut.” Hyungwon said sharply. 

Hoseok looked defeated. “Y’know, I feel like I’ve spent the last few years sitting at your grave, waiting for you to come back.”

“I’m here, you idiot.” Hyungwon was doing what he always did when he didn’t like the topic of conversation. Being cold and snippy until Hoseok gave up. The difference this time was he friend wasn’t yielding. 

“Hyungwon is here but my Wonnie isn’t. The old you would never do or say things like this. It makes me so angry that I didn’t protect you from the world. I’m not a violent man and I’ve never even thrown a punch but if I saw those people face to face I would probably kill them and that’s the truth.”

“Not this shit again, Hoseok. What, you miss having someone needy and whiny hanging off you? Want me to try and kill my self and cry all over you again? Do you need to be needed so fucking badly?” He stood, expression hardening further. His cold eyes narrowed and stared pointedly at the other man. 

“No! I’d never want you to go through that again! I just miss the guy who picked up spiders from the bathroom even though he was scared and set them free outside. Now you’d probably spray them with Raid and watch them scuttle around and twitch until they die with a smile on your face.”

“Why are we talking about spiders?” Hyungwon rolled his eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, Wonnie. You’re making me actually hate you sometimes and it’s killing me.” Hoseok looked like he was on the edge of tears. “It hurts, it hurts so damn much to watch you be this way and I just can’t take it. You said you’d never hurt me but you do so it was a lie, wasn’t it?”

“It wasn’t a lie!” Because it isn’t a lie if you believe it yourself at the time, right? 

“Yes it was! All I’ve ever done is help you and give you the benefit of the doubt. I’ve defended you and stood up for you. I’ve made excuse after excuse to try and convince people you’re not a bad person. Heck, these days I’m just trying to convince myself that you’re still human.”

Oh god, he was actually going to walk out. Hyungwon had managed to finally drive away the one person who’d always given a shit about him. In his panic he broke character on his protective shell of cold indifference and venom. “Please don’t leave me. Please, Hoseok. I’ll beg if you want me to. I’m sorry I’m not the person I used to be but I can’t be him again. I just can’t. I hate him, he was so weak. It was so painful to be that person. Everyone walked all over him and used him. Please don’t make me be so pathetic again!” But he was pathetic right now, wasn’t he? Still a sad lonely boy. Maybe he hadn’t changed at all, just grew spikes and a hard shell to protect himself. 

“He wasn’t weak. He was strong, so fucking strong. He was kind and sweet and the world let him down. I let him down. I should have been able to save him.”

 _“I should let him go. It’s long overdue. He deserves better.”_ Hyungwon composed himself, putting his walls back up and pulling on an unaffected face. “Whatever. Fuck off then. See if I care.” He cared. He cared so much. He was losing the one person he thought would never abandon him. “The person you were friends with is dead and gone. You should move on.”

“I hope Kihyun can get through to you before you tare him apart.” Hoseok was crying now. Hyungwon hated seeing him cry.

Hyungwon stood his ground as his once best friend left. “Don’t call me when you’re too old to be hot anymore and become a nobody!” That nasty part of him was fighting to get out, to hurt Hoseok back. Kicking in like a survival mechanism and pushing him away even faster. That didn’t mean it hurt any less to see the one who was always there for him flee in tears, though. Hoseok looked so hurt when he left and it felt like a knife in Hyungwon’s heart. 

Hyungwon wanted to cry. Fuck, he would have given his right arm to cry so he could release the agony. He’d taken Hoseok for granted, assuming he’d put up with anything he’d ever do. Losing him was such a heavy price to pay but it really was for the best in the end. Hoseok deserved to live his life without him. He probably only stuck around as long as he did because he was so sentimental. 

But he still had Kihyun. Right?

For now, at least. 

 

———

 

Hyungwon rarely had trouble sleeping, even without the pills. They just provided a longer and deeper sleep. But that night he struggled for the first time in a long time. He gave in and took a couple more pills than were advised, but knowing it wasn’t enough to be damaging. He lay tangled in his blankets, waiting for unconsciousness to take him through the heavy waves of nausea the pills caused him.

The sense of loss was gnawing away at him until he finally slept, but the feeling was still there when he woke up the next day. He wanted to beg Hoseok to stay in his life, pride meaning nothing to him compared to how much he needed the other man’s friendship. 

_“I can’t. I can’t continue to be the chains that weigh him down. I need to let him stay away. I am not the person he was friends with anymore. Just an unkind husk.”_

He located his phone, heart sinking when there were no messages from Hoseok. He took a long breath and deleted his friend’s contact. He was biting his lower lip hard as he did so, not realising until he tasted copper on his tongue. Hyungwon brought his hand up to his lip and wiped at it, seeing a smear of blood. He’d bit so hard he’d punctured the skin and barely even felt it.

_“I can’t be here alone. It’ll get worse. I can’t allow myself to be alone with my thoughts.”_

He quickly messaged Kihyun to ask if he was free but the photographer replied and said he was working at that moment. Another message from Kihyun followed saying Hyungwon could come over at seven o’clock that evening if he liked. 

Hyungwon accepted. Now he’d just have to stay out of his own head for the rest of the day which mainly involved taking another sedative and sleeping for a while. Though, at midday he had to drink a couple of glasses of wine to help the sleep along. 

 

———

 

Hyungwon had a lot of making up to do and so he made sure he rang Kihyun’s buzzer exactly on. 7pm. 

“Everything ok? Your text was kinda outta the blue.” Kihyun was doing that little frown he did when he was concerned or confused as he let Hyungwon inside his apartment. “Place your shoes neatly, please.”

Hyungwon placed the shoes in their rightful spot. “Yeah I just wanted to be with you, take my mind off things...”

“What things?” Kihyun could tell straight away something wasn’t right and it eerily mirrored when Hyungwon had come by the night after the show. 

“Uh Hoseok like... best friend dumped me yesterday and I said some really fucking vile things to him.”

“Shit, Hyungwon.” Kihyun wasn’t sure how he’d survive if Hyunwoo left. It would be like losing a part of himself. The better part, for that matter. “I’m really sorry. I’m sure you two can make up though.” Though, he knew first hand how hurtful Hyungwon’s words could be. 

“No... it’s better this way. I was holding him back.” He signed, defeated. _“Burn every bridge which connects me to the rest of the world. Maybe I won’t be satisfied until I can look out and see nothing but a wasteland of ash and charred bones.”_

The sadness on the model’s face made Kihyun’s heart ache. “Hey... it’ll be ok.” He placed a hand on Hyungwon’s shoulder. 

“I feel like Nero playing the fiddle while Rome burns.”

“He would have played a lyre, not a fiddle. The fiddle was invented in the 1500s.”

For some reason, that made Hyungwon huff out a laugh. “Of course. The lyre. That’s even more fitting.”

Kihyun reached out and ran his fingers through faded pink hair. The colour was really blanched out and Kihyun kind of wanted to put the pink pigment back into it for him. He liked how the colour made him look softer than the platinum blonde had. He got a little lost in his thoughts for a while as he let the pretty silky strands slip through his fingers. Hyungwon seemed to like the feeling of having his hair gently played with, anyway. He’d closed his eyes and relaxed his features, leaning in a little. 

Eventually Kihyun spoke up again. “Can I cook for you?”

“Why?” Hyungwon opened his big eyes. 

“I kinda wanna feed you. You’ve lost some weight recently and good food always cheers me up so maybe it’ll cheer you up a little, too. Also, I just kinda like feeding people.”

“Uh sure.” Not that he really enjoyed eating, generally. He used to love food but it steadily became just a means of keeping his body working. 

“I can make japchae if you like.”

That was something he hadn’t eaten since he lived with Hoseok. “Sounds great, ajumma.” He teased gently and poked the space between Kihyun’s eyebrows as his classic frown appeared. 

“Changed my mind. You can fuck all the way off now.” Kihyun turned his head to try and bite the finger poking his face but Hyungwon retracted it too quickly. 

“Sorry sorry. Please cook.” The pink haired man apologised and kissed Kihyun’s forehead. 

“Ok, but don’t interfere. Cooking puts me in a good mood and people getting in the way ruin it.”

“Oh don’t worry, I had no intention of helping you. I don’t cook. Ever.”

Hyungwon discovered he really liked watching Kihyun cook. He clearly knew what he was doing and he just looked so pleasantly content as he worked. Hyungwon sat at the breakfast bar, propping up his head with his hands as he watched the silver haired man. It made him smile and feel a pleasant warmth inside his chest to see Kihyun like this. 

Kihyun clearly felt comfortable enough to let his guard down because he started singing along to the song that was stuck in his head as he fried off the noodles. “Yahoo-ooo I wanna runaway. Yahoo-ooo baby jebal jom nwajullae. Yahoo-ooo eoseo domangga oh my god,” Kihyun had a really good voice. 

_“Explains why he moans like a fucking angel when he comes.”_

“Sae yeojachingureul mannan ji beolsseo myeot daljjeum, Bakke nagal ttae mada buranhaejukgesseo.” Hyungwon continued. 

Kihyun looked up, eyes a little wide and a blush over his cheeks. “Sorry I didn’t realise I was singing. That song was stuck in my head all day.”

“You sing beautifully. I haven’t heard that song for a while.”

“So do you. You’re full of surprises.” He added a splash more sesame oil to the pan. “By the way, I haven’t forgotten about that dancing thing, either. I need to see evidence of it.”

“I haven’t danced for years.” Hyungwon his his face in his hands. 

“What kind of dance?”

“Hip-hop kinda street style stuff”

Kihyun’s eyes widened. “Wow. Ok, now I have to see.” 

“Hell no.”

“Pleeeease? I’m making you dinner so it’s the least I can do.”

“Nope.”

“One body roll. That’s all I ask.”

Hyungwon sighed as he stood and lifted his shirt at the front, executing a body roll as requested. It had been years but his muscle memory kicked in instantly. “Happy?”

“Very. But don’t do it again because you won’t be getting any food because I’ll be distracted. That was hotter than I expected.” He chuckled and turned his concentration back to the food.

Hyungwon couldn’t remember the last time he sat and ate a meal someone had cooked for him like this. He never cooked himself either, living off liquids, apples and sushi mostly. 

The japchae was amazing. Kihyun had added some strips of beef, plenty of greenery and topped it with an egg and some kimchi. It tasted comforting, like home. Not Hyungwon’s home, a warm and loving home full of comfort. As much as he wanted to inhale everything off the plate, he tried to pace himself when eating it, his shyness about eating in front of someone still present. 

“Do you not like it?” Kihyun looked up and frowned, worried.

“It’s great. You’re a really good cook. I just...” Hyungwon trailed off. 

_“Oh yeah, he doesn’t like eating in front of anyone. God I’m stupid! I wanted to cheer him up but I’ve probably made him uncomfortable now.”_ Kihyun pursed his lips in pout. “If you don’t just eat it I’ll get offended.” He joked, trying to lighten the other’s mood and shovelling as much as he could fit between his chopsticks into his own mouth. 

“Yes, mother.” Hyungwon chuckled lightly and ate in bigger bites, feeling more comfortable. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” The photographer shrugged as he speared his egg yolk and watched it spill satisfyingly over the noodles. “Say, what’s your favourite food?”

“Hotteok.” The model answered without hesitation “Haven’t had one for years.” Because that was a hell of a lot of calories to consume at once. 

“I see.” Kihyun mused. 

“Why?”

“Just wondered. Finish your vegetables, too.” 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

“So you’re gonna hate me for this....” Kihyun started as soon as Hyunwoo set foot in his apartment. They were due to go out for chicken but Kihyun needed to confess his sins first, so he could relax for the rest of the evening. He hated feeling like he was keeping things from Hyunwoo. 

“Short of you killing my dog in front of me there isn’t much you could do that would make me hate you.”

“You don’t have a dog.”

“My hypothetical dog. So come on, let’s hear it.” Hyunwoo had a sneaking suspicion this would have something to do with Hyungwon.

“Hyungwon and I.... we had another argument the day after the show. Like a big argument. I punched him in the face and he just— he just kept saying shit. He was taunting me. I tried to take myself out the situation, to put distance between us, but he still didn’t shut the fuck up. Like he wanted me to do something to him. I could feel it coming, hyung.”

“What did you do?” Hyunwoo asked carefully. 

“I almost glassed him! I grabbed a bottle that was still on the table, smashed it and tried to fucking stab him with it to make him shut up!” Panic was rushing through him at the memory of it. 

“Wow. Ok. Breathe for me.” His words were spoken calmly and soothingly as he slowly reached out to Kihyun. 

“He was fast enough to defend himself. Thank fucking god.” He started crying as he closed the space between himself and his best friend, clinging like his life depended on it. The experience had shaken him. His loss of control only generally lasted a few seconds but what if it had lasted a second more? Would he have killed a man? “He s-said I’m dangerous a-and he’s right!”

“Hey now. Come on. You aren’t dangerous, I know you have a better handle on yourself than that. You’ve done so well. Don’t let him ruin it. Breathe with me.” 

Kihyun evened out his breaths, matching the slow steady rise and fall of Hyunwoo’s chest against his. It took a couple of minutes to regain his composure. “He didn’t run away... even though I did that to him.” His voice came out small, like he was ashamed of his own words. “Am I stupid? We decided to be like... actually together now. As a couple.”

“Shit, Kihyun please don’t do this.” Hyunwoo sounded like he was begging. 

“He wasn’t in his right mind, I’m sure of it. It isn’t his fault, please don’t be angry with him. Be angry with me instead for losing control.” Kihyun sniffled. 

Hyunwoo tensed a little at those words. “Don’t blame yourself.” 

“I almost walked away but I just couldn’t. I just fucking couldn’t. I know I should have but it hurt too much. Now he doesn’t have anyone else, Hoseok left and now he only has me.” He nuzzled his face closer against his best friend’s chest. “I’m stupid. I know I’m stupid. But I’m so fucking tired of being alone in the world, of being unloveable. I know I’m an asshole and I know nobody wants me because I’m crazy and hard to be around but it fucking hurts every time, hyung.”

“Oh Ki...” Hyunwoo ran his fingers gently through Kihyun’s hair. “Please don’t ever think you’re alone or unloveable...” The was a wobble to his voice, which Kihyun picked up on and looked up. 

“Are you crying?”

“Almost. It just makes me upset when you’re hurting.” Hyunwoo rubbed at his watery eyes. He almost never cried, at least not in front of anyone. “I cant tell you what to do, Ki. I don’t think you’re stupid but I also know you’ve not been doing so great since he came along and it scares me. If you’re going to do this I can’t stop you but please consider going back to counselling.”

Kihyun had hated counselling and he’d sworn he’d never go back to the psychiatrist’s office. But he could do it for Hyunwoo, it was the least he could do. “... ok. I will. I’ll go back to counselling.” Because he probably needed it, anyway. Hyungwon or no Hyungwon. He nuzzled his face back into his friend’s shoulder. 

“...Sometimes I wish I were a more selfish man.” Hyunwoo whispered, almost too quietly to hear and placed a barely-there kiss to Kihyun’s temple. It was so brief, it was gone the moment it landed and Kihyun could be convinced it was never even there in the first place. When he pulled away, it left a coldness over Kihyun’s body. 

“Huh?” Kihyun looked up, confused. 

“Ignore me, I’m being weird. C’mon, if we leave it too late we won’t get a table and I’m starving to death.” He smiled, as he always did. Kind and warm. 

“Right, but I'm not letting you pay again.” Kihyun nodded and grabbed his jacket from the hook.

“No no, your hyung wants to pay.” Hyunwoo poked him in the shoulder playfully. 

“Hyung can get fucked if he thinks he’s paying again because he’s paid the last three times.” Kihyun flipped the bird. “Besides, you drive and fuel ain’t free.”

 

::::::::::::::::::::::

 

_Kihyun 7:02am  
You free tonight?_

_Hyungwon 9:32am  
What an ungodly hour to text someone. And yes. I have a shoot for Gentle Monster this morning but free after that. _

_Kihyun 9:38am  
Meet me the Yeouido end of Mapo bridge at 9pm._

_Hyungwon 9:39am  
Sounds murdery af. Why there and why so late?_

_Kihyun 9:42am  
Wanna take you on a date._

A date?

_Hyungwon 9:43am  
Sure but you have to promise to be a gentleman. My mother warned me about boys like you._

_Kihyun 9:43am  
Will be a perfect gentlemen but I ain’t buying you flowers, I’m allergic. BTW please dress like a commoner. No Versace._

Hyungwon smiled. 

It was then that he recalled Minhyuk’s number was still in his phone. He opened up his contacts and scrolled until he found _Thirsty Twink_. He barely gave it a second thought as he deleted the contact. Minhyuk had been a mistake he’d rather forget about.

 

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

Hyungwon sometimes hated that he had to wear a hat and surgical mask to go outside, and even then he ran the risk of someone wanting a photograph or an autograph. Fortunately, the darkness helped in this case. 

He walked over Mapo bridge, chuckling darkly at the signs telling people not to jump. He figured if he’d made it to that point, a sign probably wouldn’t change his mind. It was a deceptively long walk but actually it was kinda nice to take a walk, music feeding into his ears from his AirPods. Eventually, Kihyun came into view at the other end. 

The photographer looked pretty hot standing under the streetlight, in Hyungwon’s opinion. He noticed as he got closer that Kihyun was wearing a pair of special edition white 1490 Sex Pistols Dr Martens. It made him wonder if it reflected his musical taste or whether it was just a fashion statement. The boots certainly went well with the dark grey skinny jeans and a black leather jacket over a purple hoodie. He also wore a black messenger bag with a couple of key rings hanging off it.

“Very punk rock.” The model observed, removing his earphones. “Eyeliner too? I.” The tight black line around Kihyun’s eyes made them look even sharper. 

“We can’t look as naturally good as you, Hyungwon. Some of us need a little help.” He quirked a smile. He knew he looked good. 

“I like you in makeup.” 

“You look like a normal person but you’re probably dressed in most people’s monthly wage. I’m sad I can hardly see your face behind the mask, though.” He flashed a toothy grin and began to walk, motioning for Hyungwon to follow. 

“The pants and hoodie are just MCM.” Hyungwon shrugged. 

“Just?” Kihyun laughed. “Do you own anything that isn’t a brand?” He squinted through the darkness.

“This baseball cap, actually.”

“Wow, you really know how to blend in with us mere peasants. Let’s go. There shouldn’t really be anyone around and it’ll be dark so you can take your mask off and not worry about being seen.”

“You mean you won’t have to be seen with me?” Because Hyungwon did have a reputation and people would definitely talk. 

“Like I said, I don’t want anyone putting cameras in my face and sticking their nose in my business but that’s a... me thing. Not a you thing. I’m not like, ashamed of being with you or anything like that.” Kihyun reached out and took Hyungwon’s hand in his.

“I’ve never held hands with anyone before. Not like this, anyway.” What a sad admission. Why did he say that? 

Kihyun just tightened his grip in response. 

As they walked along the river they were passed only by one or two people on foot and a couple of cyclists. Hyungwon had forgotten how nice the river looked at night with the bridges all lit up across it and the reflections of the city lights either side. The night air was cool with a slight breeze which gave a slight chill. 

“Drink?” Kihyun asked. 

“Duh.”

Kihyun took his hand back and reached into his messenger bag and pulled out a pink can, passing it over to the taller man.

“Peach Isultoktok? You know there’s almost no alcohol in this, right? And it’s for girls.” He whined, opening the can. 

“But it tastes good! And it matches your hair!” And just about alcoholic enough to know it’s booze but weak enough that Kihyun won’t spend the next day looking over his shoulder as he walks down the street. 

“I haven’t drank this kind of thing since I was like... twelve?”

“Early starter. Did you also smoke behind the equipment sheds like a badass?” He raised a sarcastic brow as he took out his own can and opened it. He took a sip and took ahold of Hyungwon’s hand again. 

“Nah, I wasn’t edgy enough for that.” Hyungwon shrugged. 

“I bet you were a real teachers pet.”

“Not really, I was just quiet. Kinda withdrawn. Never really spoke to anyone other than Hoseok and we didn’t even go to the same school so I was just pretty lonely.” The thought of his best friend stung him a little with sadness. 

“I kept getting into fights all the time. I probably would have done really well in school if I wasn’t getting suspended all the time.” Kihyun rolled his eyes at the memory of his younger self. Thankfully he’d been lucky and done well for himself despite his lack lustre performance in school. “Let’s not talk about stuff like that, though. What song were you listening to when you took your earphones out?”

“Uhhh DJ Snake, Turn Down For What.” He carefully delivered his best English pronunciation. 

“Wow, seriously?” Kihyun giggled at the mental image of Hyungwon getting down in a club to that song. 

“Something funny?”

“Very.” Kihyun cackled.

“Do you actually listen to 70’s British punk or do you just wear those boots for the style and edge factor?”

Kihyun bit his lip and glanced around to make sure they were alone before taking a deep breath. “IIII wanna beeeee aaaaanarchy!” Kihyun suddenly yelled out in English. 

“God since when are you so embarrassing?” Hyungwon laughed. “You’re making yourself blush. That’s my job.”

“Excuse me while I go cringe myself to death, sorry. It was cute and spontaneous in my head.” Kihyun blushed even more and took a few big gulps from his can, suddenly wishing he’d brought something with higher alcohol contact. 

Hyungwon grinned and steadied his laughter for a moment. “Fire up that loud, another round of shots! Turn down for what! Turn down for what!” 

Kihyun laughed so hard he physically spat out his drink. Simultaneously choking on the liquid he’d accidentally inhaled. Finally he managed to choke out; “Turn down for what!”

Hyungwon laughed along, pulling Kihyun in to walk with an arm around his waist. The model had caught the giggles, unable to stop himself from laughing for a good ten minutes. Every time he tried to say something, even more giggles would come out. 

“Knew you were a closet dork, too. Just had to get it out if you.” Kihyun managed when he’d caught his own breath back. “Come on up these steps back to street level. There’s something up there you’ll like.” He tugged Hyungwon towards the steep set of steps. 

A familiar smell was filling the air and Hyungwon was sad to have to pull his mask back up, but this street was pretty crowded so he was left with little choice. 

“I don’t sleep well so I end up walking around at night a lot and I always take a detour from the river path to come get one of these.” Kihyun explained as he lead Hyungwon to a street vendor. 

“Oh my god, hotteok!” Hyungwon bounced on the balls of his feet excitedly like a child. 

“These ones are amazing. I was gonna make you some but these are way better than what I could make.” He dug some bills out of his pocket and handed them over. 

“Shouldn’t I be the one paying?”

“Fuck off Mr Moneybags I can afford a couple thousand won, I have money. I’m not poor. Besides, I asked you on this date and I’m the oldest.”

“Such a gent.” Hyungwon teased as the vender handed him on of the sweet treats. 

“Let it cool a sec or you’ll burn your mouth off.”

“Thank you mother, I would never have known this freshly made fried thing full of basically molten sugar would be hot.”

“I never realised how sarcastic you were.” He tossed his empty can in the trash and headed back down to the river path so that Hyungwon could relax without fear of being recognised. 

Hyungwon waited as long as he could resist before taking a bite. It was definitely still too hot but he persevered, trying to hide the fact it was scorching the roof of his mouth. Kihyun just looked over at him knowingly. 

“Is it hot, Hyungwon?”

“Maybe...”

Kihyun cackled and waited a little longer before biting into his own. “Sorry if my date idea is kinda boring. I just wanted spend some time with you I guess and I really like walking along here at night. Also, when you said you liked hotteok I thought this would be perfect.”

“It’s not boring. It’s nice, I’ve never been on a date before.” Hyungwon felt a little giddy. Like he was a teenager again. 

“I’m not exactly experienced with dating. I’m not great with people.”

“You managed to break through my husk like nobody has before. I’d say you’re better with people than you give yourself credit for.”

“I like this version of you. You’re actually human.”

“I like being this way. Being human is.... liberating. You give me that.” Hyungwon stopped and laid a kiss on Kihyun’s lips. They were a little sticky and tasted sweet like the hotteok. 

“If we walk up here we can jump on the subway for two stops and we’ll be pretty close to your place, right?”

“Yeah.”

“My feet kinda hurt, not sure I wanna walk all the way back down.” Kihyun flashed his toothy grin again. 

 

———

 

“Does this mean you’re gonna put out on the first date?” Kihyun smirked as Hyungwon tugged him through his apartment door. 

“Me? Nooo. I’m not that kind of boy.” 

“Maybe I can convince you.” Kihyun kissed the angle of his jaw. “You smell like vanilla, coffee and cinnamon.” With a hint of menthol cigarette. 

“Good nose. You always smell like coconut.” He ran his fingers through Kihyun’s hair. “Specifically your hair smells like coconut.”

“It’s my conditioner.”

“Your skin smells good, too.” He brought their lips together, hands pushing the jacket off Kihyun’s shoulders. “I like that you don’t wear cologne or anything like that. And you use unscented soap?” He kicked off his own shoes, letting Kihyun slip away to untie the laces of his Doctor Martens and place their shoes neatly together. 

“I have sensitive skin.”

“Means you smell like you rather than like perfume. I love it. It makes me want to lick every inch of your skin. I love it.” He pulled Kihyun’s back in by his belt loops, crushing their lips together. 

“Lick all you want.” The photographer groaned between kisses, the heat rising between their bodies. 

“I will.” Hyungwon pulled off his mask from around his neck and tossed his hat vaguely at the couch. “Come to the bedroom.” He broke away, moving towards his bedroom with fluid, sultry steps. 

“God, what did I do in a past life to deserve you?” Kihyun wondered out loud as he followed, watching Hyungwon unashamedly strip himself of his clothes down to his underwear on the way to the bed. 

“Dunno, woulda had to have been something terrible.” The model laid himself out on the expanse of white sheets.

Kihyun followed, losing his hoodie before straddling Hyungwon where he lay. “Please let me fuck you tonight, Hyungwon. You’re so beautiful, I wanna make you mine.”

Hyungwon felt his heart jump in his chest. _“Yours?”_

“Please...” Kihyun retailed kisses over Hyungwon’s chest. Every now and again sucking a mark onto his tanned skin and once licking over a sensitive pert nipple as he felt a hand slipping through his hair. 

“Yes, fuck me Kihyun.” Came a breathy whine.

“I love you.” The silver haired man murmured against hot skin before separating enough to reach into the bedside drawer and grab the lube. 

“You take my breath away, Kihyun.” Hyungwon raised his hips to slip out of his own underwear. 

“I’m gonna make you feel so fucking good.” He laid the lube down next to Hyungwon and stepped off the bed to remove his remaining clothes, desperately wanting to press their naked bodies together. He didn’t have to look at the man on the bed to know his intense gaze was on him, unwavering and unblinking. Like something otherworldly. 

“Mark me up more.”

“Anything for you.” Kihyun grinned and climbed over him, letting Hyungwon run his hands over the suggestions of abs he’d been neglecting. 

“I love your body.” The model mused, just as Kihyun was about to mentally berate himself.

“Not as much as I love yours.” He shifted over and lifted one of Hyungwon’s long legs a little and began kissing and nipping at his inner thigh, leaving small marks in his wake. “All for me.” He paused for a brief moment when he reached the small linear scar he’d forgotten was there and placed a slow tender kiss over it. 

Kihyun wanted to sensitise Hyungwon’s skin so that every touch would feel like a flame kicking at him. So, took his time peppering the elegant lean body below him in kisses and sensual bites, enjoying how it riled up the other. He wondered how long he’d have to do this before Hyungwon would start begging. The grip of the hand in his hair was certainly becoming tighter until he finally picked up the lube again and coated two of his fingers. “Hand me a pillow and lift up your hips, would you?” He requested. 

“Oh you’re spoiling me.” Hyungwon smirked and handed him a pillow with a slightly trembling hand, raising his hips so that the other man could place the pillow under them with his free hand. 

“I told you I’d be a gentleman.” He leaned over and kissed Hyungwon’s abdomen as he reached down to tease at his hole with a lubricated finger, causing the taller man to whine a little and gasp suddenly when his finger breached his body. 

“Oh god~”

“Such pretty noises, Hyungwon.” He stilled the finger inside him, letting the other adjust to the intrusion. 

“More~” 

“Anything you want.” Kihyun’s voice was low with want. He crooked his finger until he found the right spot to make Hyungwon moan and quiver and then started to slowly and fuck him with it. 

“Fuck, Ki.”

The photographer grinned and began alternating sucking hickeys over Hyungwon’s neck and shoulders and leaving small scratches over his torso as he continued to work his finger inside him. 

“More, Kihyun. Please...” The model’s body was practically twisting. 

“Still more?” He purred and inserted another finger but still fucking him with the same agonisingly slow pace. Eventually, Hyungwon raised one hand to the headboard and used it to push himself down onto Kihyun’s fingers while he stroked himself with the other. 

“I love that you’re needy like this, Hyungwon.” 

The model felt teeth against the red hot skin of his chest and knew Kihyun was about to do something. He expected Kihyun to add another finger. Instead, he suddenly felt sparks pass through his body like never before as the photographer rubbed his fingertips heavily against his prostate. “Fuck!” He almost screamed with the surprise of the sensation. Before he could even take another breath the pressure was there again, this time sustained for a couple of seconds, making him throw his head back in a silent moan. 

If it wasn’t for his achingly hard dick, Kihyun could have gone mad watching Hyungwon writhe under him forever. Long limbs spread out, head tilted back to expose his hickey covered throat. All for him. He watched closely for any sign the stimulation was too much as he continued to make the model jerk and spasm. Kihyun’s finally relented the pressure against Hyungwon’s prostate to let him recover for a few moments. 

“S-Seriously I-I’m gonna c-come if you keep at it.” Hyungwon could barely string his words together. His hands now gripped the sheets desperately, feeling his body tremble. 

“Come on my fingers if you like, I’ll just have to make you come a second time when I fuck you.” He rubbed his fingertips against that spot again, watching the reaction it caused and licking his lips. Hyungwon was a work of art when he let go of himself. When he dropped his stubborn pride and his carefully crafted shell. “If I was more patient I could probably do this forever. Touch yourself again for me, Hyungwon.” He purred and watched the model’s elegant hand disentangle from the sheet and begin to stroke himself. 

The stimulation was almost too much for Hyungwon. Almost. It walked the fine line of too much and not enough perfectly. Especially when Kihyun added a third finger and it almost brought tears to his eyes. Hyungwon could barely breathe as fingertips continued to rub harshly over that sweet spot inside him again.

“I-I wanna be yours Kihyun. I wanna belong to you so bad.” Hyungwon’s voice cracked and he stroked himself faster. “Please let me be yours.” He wished he could let go like this all the time. He felt like he was worth everything in the world to Kihyun in this moment. 

“You are mine.” Kihyun pressed his open mouth against Hyungwon’s exposed neck, feeling the vibrations of each moan rumbling in his throat and practically tasting every breath and sound before it left the younger’s lips. Fuck, how Kihyun wanted to consume this man. To envelop every part of him into his own being. He could become obsessed if he let himself, he probably already was. Kihyun closed his eyes and concentrated on the vibrations against his tongue as Hyungwon climaxed under his touch. “Beautiful. So beautiful and all mine.”

Hyungwon’s heart was pounding as he felt Kihyun’s fingers slip out of him, leaving him empty and clenching around nothing and still coming down from his orgasm. Even though he’d just come, he still craved more. His left hand tangled itself in Kihyun’s hair, pulling him up for a messy and desperate kiss. 

“Fuck me.” Hyungwon’s voice sounded rough and breathless. 

“Don’t you want a little longer to recover?”

“No. Fuck me. Now.” Hyungwon demanded, grabbing the lube and shoving it into Kihyun’s hands. 

“Promise you’ll tell me if it’s too much.” He took the lube and spread a good amount of it onto his own neglected cock. He’d argue longer if he wasn’t so desperate to feel Hyungwon around him. Besides, the look in the model’s eyes said he’d probably flip him over and ride him if he didn’t act quickly. 

“I will.” 

Kihyun ran his hands over Hyungwon’s parted thighs, hiking them up slightly and lining himself up with his stretched entrance. Slowly, he slid into his tight warmth, almost losing himself completely. “Oh my god Hyungwon how do you feel so good?”

“W-Was about to say the same.” Hyungwon wrapped his long legs around Kihyun’s waist, pulling him in deeper. The stretch burned so good and his whole body was tingling with sensitivity. 

“Can I move yet, baby?” Kihyun dipped down and kissed over plump lips, feeling Hyungwon panting into his mouth. 

“Y-Yes. Fuck yes please, Ki.” 

Kihyun’s obliged, starting to move his hips at a gentle pace before gaining a faster rhythm. All the while watching the model’s face intently for any signs of discomfort. 

“Fuck you feel so good in me. Ahh~!” Hyungwon was beautiful. He really was. Kihyun thought he was the most breathtaking sight on the planet. Especially when he was laying there, head thrown back into the pillow, pale pink hair a mess and his reddened plump lips spilling filthy sinful sounds. 

“Tell me how much you love it.” He caressed over Hyungwon’s side and his chest to rub his thumb over a hardened nipple.

“Feels so amazing, Ki. S-So fucking good. Fuck~!” Hyungwon had truly let go. He was already hard again already and stroking himself shamelessly as Kihyun thrust into him. 

The photographer leaned back just a little to take in the view. Beautiful caramel coloured skin marred by a few scratches and all hickeys Kihyun had left on him. The layer of sweat made him shine in the soft light. 

“Shit. Y’know what I wanna photograph? So I can keep it forever?”

“Wh-What?” Hyungwon forced his eyes open to look at the man on top of him. 

“Your face all blissed out after you come.”

“How sweet. E-Expected something dirtier.” 

“Want dirty? How ‘bout I photograph my come dripping out your pretty little stretched out hole?” He teased and punctuated his point with an extra hard thrust of his hips, snapping them forward harshly. 

“Fuck!” Hyungwon felt like every inch of him was on fire. The overstimulation was driving him amazingly insane and he was so fucking close again. He let go of his own dick and gripped the bed sheets again. “Touch me.”

“Come for me again, I wanna fuck you through it. Wanna hear you scream my name.” Kihyun took Hyungwon’s length in his hand and began stroking him in time with the movements of his own hips.

That was all it took to push Hyungwon back over the edge, causing him to spill all over himself as his orgasm crashed through him. “Kihyun~!!” His body shook with waves of burning pleasure as Kihyun fucked him through his climax. 

Kihyun came a few thrusts later with the sensation of the beautiful body contracting around him. “Hyungwon~! Fuck!”

Kihyun barely had enough strength in his body left to pull out of Hyungwon before collapsing onto the mattress next to him. 

“That was amazing. Why haven’t I been letting you fuck me more?” Hyungwon panted. 

“Because you like fucking me, too.” Kihyun bit Hyungwon’s shoulder playfully. He wasn’t sure why he did it, exactly. 

“Oral fixation.” Hyungwon’s eyes slipped closed.

“I do not have oral fixation.” 

After they lay there a while to catch their breath and come down from their highs, Kihyun peeled himself away a little. Hyungwon protested with a whimper. 

“Let me clean you up, hmm?” Kihyun purred into his ear. 

“Don’t wanna move.” 

“You don’t have to.” Kihyun kissed his upper arm and shoulder. “Can I take your picture first?”

Hyungwon nodded, eyes still closed. He felt the bed move as Kihyun got up and left the room, presumably to take his camera out of his bag. 

“You look amazing in this light.” Kihyun murmured whine he returned, voice low. 

Hyungwon just hummed in response as he heard the camera’s shutter click twice. 

“Nobody will see these two images, other than myself.” 

Hyungwon had drifted to sleep when he was awoken by a warm damp cloth moving tentatively over his skin. He mewled slightly, body hypersensitive to every touch. 

“Sshhhh I’ll be gentle.” Kihyun murmured and passed the cloth over Hyungwon’s stomach and his inner thighs, making Hyungwon protest weakly. “Almost done.” He peppered kisses over the areas he’d cleaned, soothing the sensitive skin. 

“Love you.” Hyungwon croaked sleepily. “Let me sleep now?”

“Yes, Hyungwon.” He smiled tossed the cloth aside, joining the other man in bed and pulling the blankets up around them. 

Kihyun fell asleep to the feeling of Hyungwon’s body draped over him like a weighted blanket and fluffy pink hair tickling his cheek. Even way his hip bone dug into him slightly was comforting. The last thing he noticed before sleep took him was now the other man’s fingertips were slightly colder than the rest of him and the way Hyungwon’s breath floated over his skin in slow steady puffs. 

It was the best sleep Kihyun had for a long while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all have our limits on what we can take so maybe Hoseok finally reached his :(  
> But finally some softness for you! And a little Showki heart wrench in the middle, sorry!
> 
> ____
> 
> Next time: Hyungwon sees his psychiatrist and Kihyun has an appointment to keep, too. We also discover exactly why Kihyun broke up with Hyunwoo


	12. Hateful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe neither Hyungwon or Kihyun are ready to accept help and Hyunwoo lets his secret slip.  
> Despite everything, things seem ok between our boys but temptation mixed with self hate can be intoxicating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another 7000+ words long chapter sorry! Oops!

“Does Hyunwoo want to kill me? I was a jerk to him at the show, basically threatened to get him fired. Also, he probably wants to protect you from me.” Hyungwon asked as he watched Kihyun search his kitchen for food. Almost a month had passed since they decided to be exclusive and the only nights they’d spent apart had been when Hyungwon was working away or Kihyun had been with Hyunwoo. Hyungwon tried to not let that particular detail bother him but he couldn't wish the jealousy away, as much as he wanted to.

“He’s too much of a pacifist to start breaking pieces off you, don't worry. He is pretty strong though, he can pick me up with one arm.” Kihyun answered as he rummaged through Hyungwon’s cupboards. “Just as well he’s not the violent type because he’d have probably kicked my ass a few times by now. I broke his cheekbone before and he didn't even fight back.”

“How did you reach?” He walked over and patted the top of Kihyun’s head.

“Same way I reached your cheek. Need another demonstration?” Kihyun deadpanned. Was it ok to joke about that?

“Ah, touché. I’ll decline the demonstration, though. I kinda need my face for work.” Hyungwon didn't have any trouble imagining Kihyun being able to take a powerful enough swing at someone like Hyunwoo to break bones. Kihyun was strong for his size and he didn’t hold back when he lashed out. Hyungwon was probably lucky to get away with just facial bruising.

“What do you even eat? You never have any food here. It’s just soy sauce, coffee and bottles of fancy alcohol. No wonder I feel the need to feed you up.” Kihyun huffed and closed the cupboard he was looking in. 

“I told you I don’t cook.” Hyungwon shrugged and encircled his arms around Kihyun’s waist.

“Making toast or something isn’t really cooking. No wonder you look like Slender Man.”

“I don’t have a toaster.” Hyungwon sucked on his earlobe from behind. 

“Don’t get me all hot and bothered now, I need to go soon.” Kihyun turned around in his arms and Hyungwon could see he was anxiously playing with the silver ring on his finger. 

“What’s the rush?” Hyungwon looked from the ring back to the photographer’s face and the nervous little frown. 

“Hyunwoo is picking me up at ten.”

“Isn’t he working?”

“He took today off to take me to my appointment.” Kihyun carefully confessed. 

“Appointment? Have I gotten you pregnant?” 

“No. I decided to go back to counselling.”

“That’s why you’re so anxious? It’ll be a good thing, I’m sure.” Hyungwon should really call his therapist back. 

“Am I that obvious?”

“You’re doing the thing with your hands and your shoulders are so tense they’re practically up to your ears.” He moved his hands from Kihyun’s waist to his tight shoulders. 

“Ugh, I’m just... I hate how it makes me feel sitting in that waiting room to be called up and like... judged.” The smokey haired man looked down at his own hands. 

“I think I understand. I have an appointment with my therapist I’ve been rescheduling for over a month. I’m afraid because she will probably scold me and point out my problems. I hate it when I have to face what’s wrong with me...”

“You should go, Hyungwon. If I can swallow my pride then so can you.” He frowned a little deeper. He worried about him. 

“Ok, so you try to chill a little and get through your session and I’ll go to mine on Friday. I won’t cancel it again.” 

Kihyun nodded in agreement, eyes still cast down. 

“Hey, Ki?”

Kihyun looked up. As soon as he did, a kiss was placed on his forehead. It made the frown disappear almost instantly. 

“Will you dye my hair for me? Gotta look my best for the doc.” Hyungwon asked, turning their topic of conversation into something lighter. 

“Don’t you have a highly paid stylist for that?”

“Yes but I want you to do it for me.” Hyungwon shrugged. 

“What colour?”

“Just back to light blonde. The pink’s faded out a lot anyway.”

“Aw but I like the pink. Makes you look like a soft pretty flower boy.” Kihyun ran his fingers through Hyungwon’s hair. It was a very light baby pink now that it had faded so much. “Should be easy to strip out, though. I’ve got plenty of bleach but I won’t go too crazy. Your roots should lift well, too.” There was about a centimetre of regrowth in the model’s hair. 

“I trust you but just do you know, my agency will sue your ass if you fuck it up.”

“No pressure, then. Come over tomorrow night at six and don’t wash your hair tonight.” He leaned up and pecked the taller man’s lips. “Now I really gotta go, sorry.”

“Good luck.”

 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

Kihyun sat silently in Hyunwoo’s car as they drove to the psychiatric clinic he never wanted to return to. It worried his best friend because Kihyun hadn't even cracked his usual joke about his driving glasses making him look like an uncool dad.

“You’re quiet, Ki. What’s happening in your head?”

“I’m just scared.” His words came out short. 

“It’s ok to be scared, Kihyun. But everything will be ok. I know this is hard for you but I’m really proud of you.”

Kihyun didn't reply for a long while, fingers nervously tapping on his collar bone.

“I’m scared they’ll have me locked up or make me take those fucking drugs again and I’m scared because I hate it. They’ll sit here and judge me and I hate how they write things down when I talk and i can’t see what they’re writing down.”

“They will just want to help you, Ki. It’s their job, you know that. They wont lock you up, either. You’re perfectly lucid, there’s no reason for them to do that. As for the mediation, you don't have to take anything you don't want to. If they recommend medication we’ll deal with that when we get to it.” 

Kihyun shrunk in on himself a little. He felt pathetic. “Will you come in with me?”

“If that will make you feel more comfortable, yes.”

Kihyun nodded and looked out of the window. “I’m sorry you have to deal with my bullshit. You shouldn’t have to be my carer.”

“I’m not your carer, Kihyun. I’m your best friend.” Hyunwoo gave a reassuring smile, Kihyun could see the reflection of it in the glass.

Once they arrived at the outpatient unit, it took a few minutes and Hyunwoo holding his hand for Kihyun to actually make it into the waiting room. It was exactly the same as e remembered. In all these years it hadn't changed. Usually Kihyun hated change and familiarity would generally make him feel comfortable. But this was different, for some reason it just unsettled him.

The same yellow painted walls and blue plastic chairs bolted to the grey speckled floor. The walls were littered with motivational posters and leaflets with numbers to call for suicide prevention, crisis intervention and various kinds of rehab. Kihyun felt so unbelievably small as he sat down and looked up at the grubby ceiling tiles. 

Twenty four.

There were still twenty four ceiling tiles. One of them was still a slightly different colour to the rest and it still dug at Kihyun’s brain.

God, he hated that fucking ceiling tile.

Kihyun tried to busy his hands by playing with the ring Hyungwon had given him. It really wasn't helping, though. His heart was skipping beats and he felt light headed, his chest becoming uncomfortably tight. Oh god, he was about to have a panic attack in the waiting room. 

_“I can’t do this.”_

He suddenly reached out and grabbed onto Hyunwoo’s thigh to alert him to the fact he needed help. His fingers digging in a little painfully without him realising.

“Kihyun?” Hyunwoo caught on instantly. “Alright, Ki.” He took Kihyun’s hand got out of his chair, kneeling down in front of him and taking his other hand just as he started to scratch at his own collar bone. “Please look at me. You’re safe, Kihyun. I’m here and you’re safe. Do you need to leave? It’s ok if you do.”

Kihyun felt like no matter how much air he sucked into his lungs he couldn't get enough oxygen. He shook his head as a no. He made it this far and he’d told Hyungwon to go to his therapist. Backing out now would make him a hypocrite.

“Then let’s breathe together.” Hyunwoo took some slow deep breaths, waiting for Kihyun to synchronise with him. After a few minutes, the younger’s breathing fell into the same breathing pattern and the grip of his hands loosened. 

_“I have to do this for him, too. For Hyunwoo, my safe space.”_

“Yoo Kihyun. Room two, please.” Came a voice over the intercom.

“You good? If you aren’t, you don’t have to go in.” Hyunwoo asked. 

“I-I’m good.” When Kihyun looked around he saw that two other people had joined the waiting room without him realising. Great, people had actually witnessed his little meltdown. How embarrassing. He followed Hyunwoo down the corridor, still holding onto his hand. 

The room was small, it probably wasn't one he’d been in before but they all looked much the same. A desk, a nondescript painting on the wall and some chairs. This particular nondescript paining was of a vase of flowers, specifically sweet peas. Kihyun was only aware of that because they were his mother’s favourite flower.

“Welcome Mr Yoo and....?” The man at the desk motioned to Hyunwoo. 

“Hyunwoo, is it ok if he stays with me? He’s my best fiend.”

“Of course, take a seat.” The man smiled pleasantly. 

“I prefer to stand, if thats ok. I’m kinda tense.”

“He’ll probably sit eventually.” Hyunwoo supplied and sat down, Kihyun still holding his hand.

“That’s fine, whatever is more comfortable for you.” He picked up the dukes on the desk and pulled a sheet of notes from them. “So, I see you have a previous referral to the adolescent team for violence and antisocial behaviour and a later referral for compulsive behaviour, paranoia and anxiety. This referral is for anxiety too, I believe?”

“And my anger... it’s becoming a problem again. I’ve been more physically aggressive than I have in years. Usually I can stop at verbal aggression but I’ve been boiling over so easily...”

“Have there been any contributing factors?”

Kihyun could feel Hyunwoo’s eyes on him. “I’ve been stressed with work. Under a lot of pressure with deadlines and exhibitions and I feel a little creatively stifled by the photography I do to pay the bills. I’d rather be photographing the things I want to.” It wasn’t a lie, really. Except he wasn’t stressed so much as just frustrated. He left out the rather big contributing factor, which was Hyungwon. 

_“Hyungwon is a problem I’m not ready to face. I’m sorry I’m a mess, Hyunwoo...”_ Kihyun thought. 

“I see. How are your interpersonal relationships? Your support system?”

“I have Hyunwoo.” He could hear the tremor in his own voice. _“And a boyfriend who I punch because he likes to drive me crazy on purpose ...”_

“What about your family? I understand you didn’t have much contact with them at the time of your previous sessions.”

“If you read my files you’ll know I stabbed my dad in the face with a pen, trashed the house and threw a chair at him but it missed and went through a window. I took my camera, walked out and took a photograph of the window before leaving and that was the last time I laid eyes on my parents in person.” The tremor was gone, every word he spoke just became more detached. 

He continued through the session, giving background and going through some therapy options. The point of medication was raised but Kihyun had said he’d rather avoid it. The entire time he didn’t breathe a word about Hyungwon and Hyunwoo remained silent unless spoken to. 

Kihyun felt like a liar. He was a liar.

He was weak, too. A weak liar. 

The photographer didn’t say anything until they got back into the car, like he was waiting for Hyunwoo to say something first. When he didn’t, Kihyun was the one to break the silence. 

“Are you angry with me?” He uttered quietly. 

“No, I’m not angry with you. I just don’t know why you didn’t tell him about Hyungwon.” Hyunwoo answered after a moment, pulling out onto the road. 

“Because I was scared they’d tell me I should leave him.”

“Does it matter? You wouldn’t leave him even if they did tell you that you should.” Hyunwoo’s voice had a very subtle edge that Kihyun recognised as frustration. 

“I love him, I can’t leave him... and things are good lately.”

“Ki... I don’t doubt for a single moment that you care a lot for him.” Hyunwoo sighed in exasperation. “They can’t help you if they don’t know, the two of you are killing each other.” Because Hyunwoo really was worried for Hyungwon, too. Hyunwoo had first hand experience of how Kihyun could be. “You care for me, right? And you cared for me when we were dating?”

“Of course!”

“Then think about why you broke up with me.”

“You know why... it wasn’t fair on you and I was going crazy.”

“You broke it off because you cared, right? Because it was hurting us both.”

“I did, but it isn’t that easy with Hyungwon. He’s not strong like you, Hyunwoo. It would hurt him so bad!”

“... don’t you think it hurt for me?”

“But you were ok, right?” Kihyun had always seen Hyunwoo as this impenetrable shield. He sometimes forgot his best friend felt pain, too. 

“It hurt a lot... because I was in love with you and I finally had you. Could finally hold you and kiss you all over and wake up to you next to me. It hurt when all that went away, it broke my heart. But what hurt more was the thought that I was hurting you. It hurt that our relationship was the source of your pain and it also hurt when you yelled at me, told me you hated me and accused me of cheating... you made the right choice. It was right for you and it was right for me.” Hyunwoo looked over briefly with tears in his eyes to see Kihyun sobbing into his hands. “I’m sorry Ki, I don’t want you to cry. I just hate seeing you hurt. This is clearly messing him up, too and what if he starts messing with your head again? I think if you care for each other the best thing you can do is be as far from one another as possible.” The fact that Kihyun could seriously hurt Hyungwon didn’t even need to be said. They both knew it. 

Hyunwoo had never explicitly said that Kihyun and Hyungwon should break up until now. He always chose his words carefully and was diplomatic in his advice because he wasn’t sure if it was coming from a selfish place or not. 

“You just want me to yourself!” Kihyun suddenly snapped at him, looking up. “Stop the car, I’ll walk the rest of the way.”

“Kihyun that’s not it at all.” It really wasn’t. 

“Stop the fucking car!”

“Fine but just so you know, it’s been agony trying to make sure I didn’t dislike your relationship with him because of my feelings for you!” Hyunwoo raised his voice. He almost never did that, unless he was really upset. 

“Your feelings for me? I fucking knew it! Stop the fucking car!”

“Kihyun please forget about me saying that. I can’t stop the car yet but I will when it’s safe to pull over.” Hyunwoo composed himself, getting Kihyun more upset wasn’t going to help anyone. 

“Fuck you! You want me for myself! You wanted me to go to that place so they’d tell me I need to ditch Hyungwon!” Kihyun’s brain started making warped and paranoid connections, he unbuckled his seatbelt and went for the door handle but Hyunwoo locked it before he could open the door.

“Kihyun you can’t jump out of a moving vehicle.” Hyunwoo knew making Kihyun feel trapped was dangerous, but not as dangerous as jumping out of the car at 60mph. 

“Let me out!” Kihyun swung at Hyunwoo. 

“Please, Ki. I’m driving. I promise I will let you out in a moment, there’s a lay-by coming up and then I can pull over.” Hyunwoo did his best to focus on the road. This was like having a wild animal in the vehicle with him. 

“Let me the fuck out! I hate you! I don’t fucking need you!” 

Hyunwoo pulled over and stopped the car, there was no point in arguing with Kihyun when he became so irrational. He closed his eyes and unlocked the door, he heard Kihyun open it and scramble out. He shouldn’t have said that, shouldn’t have confessed his long kept secret. He leaned his forehead on the wheel. 

What had he done?

“Don’t fucking call me!” Kihyun kicked at the side of the car, denting the bodywork. 

“Please just let me know you’re safe when you can...” Even though Hyunwoo knew Kihyun didn’t mean it, knew this wasn’t him talking and that it would pass, his friend’s words still stung badly. 

“Fuck you!” With that, Kihyun slammed the door closed and walked off quickly along the side of the road. 

 

———

 

It took Kihyun almost two hours to walk home. The outside air helped to clear his head and let the guilt sink in. 

“Why am I such a cunt?” He asked himself out loud as he got home and placed his shoes neatly by the door. He could feel the anger beginning to rise again and make his stomach churn, only this time he was only angry at himself. 

He needed to clear his mind and so he took himself along to the bathroom, switching on the shower. He typed out a message on his phone and sent it as he began getting undressed. 

_Kihyun 2:02pm  
I’m home safe. I am so sorry, you have no idea how much I hate myself, hyung. I’m an awful person._

_Hyunwoo 2:03pm  
Please don’t worry about what I said about my feelings for you. Just know I’m not selfish enough to not want you to be happy with someone else. I don’t care that you’re with someone who isn’t me, I care that you’re in pain. _

_Kihyun 2:06pm  
I know we should talk about this like grown ass men but I just can’t deal with it right now. I’m sorry._

_Hyunwoo 2:07pm  
I’m sorry for adding to your worries. It wasn’t my intention. _

_Kihyun 2:09pm  
We will have that conversation at some point I promise. You mean so much to me hyung I can’t imagine not having you there for me. I hate the thought that you must have been hurting for so long. _

_Hyunwoo 2:09pm  
You being my friend is worth it all and all always be here for you. Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s my problem to worry about. Not yours._

Kihyun set his phone down and stripped off his remaining clothes, stepping into the shower and letting the water run down over his body. He felt himself relax almost insanely as he closed his eyes, tying to keep his thoughts rational.

Kihyun thought back to when he and Hyunwoo were more than just friends. Why he’d broken it off when from the outside they were the perfect couple. When people asked what happened he would say that it was just a lot of pressure with Hyunwoo studying for his qualification. That they were just better off as friends. That was all true, so not a lie. The thing was, Kihyun cared about him enough to break it off. Kihyun would get angry and jealous while Hyunwoo was socialising at collage. His paranoia used to go and sometimes he’d say things he’d regret in the heat of the moment. One night Hyunwoo was late for a date and arrived to find Kihyun crying on a street corner. The younger was sitting in the gutter, in the rain. When Hyunwoo tried to comfort him, Kihyun shoved him away. When he tried to get closer again, Kihyun threw a punch. Then another. That’s when he fractured Hyunwoo’s cheekbone. Hyunwoo never fought back. Never tried to defend himself. 

He just took it. Every punch and every nasty word. When Kihyun finally stopped and broke down, apologising and begging forgiveness, Hyunwoo had said it was ok. That he was sorry for being late. 

Of course, Hyunwoo wasn’t cheating on him, his final class had just ran late. That’s when Kihyun broke up with him. He did it because he cared. He cared too much to keep doing this. Hyunwoo deserved so much better and Kihyun cared enough to give him that. To let him go. 

It was also the best thing for himself. The paranoia and jealousy was eating away at him. Giving him sleepless nights and itching anxiety. He had to walk away from that relationship, too. 

_“Hyunwoo must have been hurting all this time and part of me knew it all along... I ignored it because I was afraid of losing my friend. I need to get my head together and fix this.”_

 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

The following evening he put on a brave face for Hyungwon, trying to hide the fact he was till angry with himself. 

But Hyungwon could read him like an open book. 

“Are you ok?” Hyungwon asked as Kihyun began painting bleach onto his hair. 

“Hm? Yeah.” 

“I’m a human lie detector, Kihyun. Is it something about your session yesterday? Did it not go well?”

“... just had an argument with Hyunwoo... actually no, it wasn’t a fight. It’s never a fight, it’s just me being a dick. Sometimes I get stupid thoughts in my head when I’m emotional.” Kihyun decided to choose his words carefully. He knew how jealous Hyungwon could be and the knowledge that his ex boyfriend still had feelings for him was probably not going to go down well. “He said something that it probably hurt him to say and I was so mean. When I calmed down I couldn’t face it, though. It isn’t something I’m ready for. Y’know?”

“Hmm I don’t know what happened but I hope things ok between you two.” It was a lie, really. The thought that there may be trouble between Kihyun and Hyunwoo gave him a feeling of sick delight. 

“I apologised and I know it is something I’ll have to face at some point. Just not now.” 

“And you aren’t going to confide as to what that thing is?”

“...no. It’s a little personal to Hyunwoo. I doubt he’d like me telling people.” Half truths. That seemed to be the only things he spoke these days. “So, tell me if you get any major itching or burning sensations, ok?” He changed the subject quickly as he wrapped a transparent plastic bag around the top of Hyungwon’s head. 

“Yes yes. I’ve been blonde for three years. I know the drill.” Hyungwon rolled his eyes.

“Hmm I might change up my hair, too.” Kihyun thought aloud, looking at the leftover bleach. 

“I’ve been wondering, why do you change your hair colour so often?”

“Because otherwise I get stuck in my ways. It’s a way of me introducing change into my life while still being in control. Sounds kinda stupid when I say it out loud.”

“Doesn’t sound stupid at all. Whatever works for you.”

Kihyun peered into the mirror, inspecting the slightly frayed ends of his hair. “Hmm I better not bleach it anymore, actually.” He gave in and discarded the leftovers. “I can lay a dark purple on top of this, though.” He mused and opened his bathroom cabinet. 

“Holy shit.” Hyungwon hadn’t seen so many hair dyes and other related paraphernalia.

“Don’t judge me.” Kihyun rolled his eyes. “You know, I think you’d look good with brown hair actually.”

“Too approachable. I like how the light blonde looks. I only did it at first because my agency told me not to. They said it would make my skin look too dark.”

“I like your skin.”

Hyungwon smiled a little. “I used to be jealous of Hoseok’s skin tone but he always said...” He imitated Hoseok’s bunnylike smile. “...Skin’s just skin, it keeps all your insides in!” He said with an exaggerated lisp.

“As an individual with a lisp I take offence to that. Fuck you.” Kihyun glared as he checked Hyungwon’s hair under the plastic. 

“It’s tragic that the word lisp shows up your litthhp, right?”

“Stop, otherwise I’ll dye your hair green.” The photographer warned. “Ten more minutes and I’ll wash it out. I’m starting to lose my nerve, I don’t want to be sued.”

“Great, just enough time for a cigarette.” Hyungwon winked and passed him.

“Hang out the window or I’ll throw you out!” Kihyun called after him as he left the room, hearing Hyungwon laugh as he did. He took the opportunity to put on a glove and coat his hair with the purple dye while he waited for the other’s return. He didn’t bother using an applicator brush to do it. Hopefully the pigment would take to the ashy grey. Once he was sure every spot was covered, he tossed the glove in the trash. 

_“This is nice. It’s so good while we aren’t goading each other on, ripping peace’s out of one another. Maybe it’s worth it even if it doesn’t last forever. I’ll probably keep on forgiving every transgression he makes because he owns me.”_

“You look very deep in thought but it’s kinda funny because your head is covered in purple goo.” Hyungwon’s pleasantly low voice brought him out of his daze. 

“Says the man with a plastic bag on his head. Get on the floor with your back against the tub.” The photographer motioned to the floor. 

“Oh how romantic.” Hyungwon chuckled and obeyed.

“Who said romance is dead?” Kihyun smirked as he pulled on a pair of black latex gloves, standing over the man on the floor. 

“Wow, not even gonna buy me dinner first?”

“So lewd.” Kihyun tutted, removing the plastic and tossing it into the trash can. “Head back.”

Hyungwon tilted his head back, eyes carefully trained on the other man as he reached over for the shower head, switching it on and bringing it down to check the temperature. 

Kihyun looked down, their eyes meeting. Fuck, there was always something about Hyungwon’s eyes. Something that made Kihyun think the model could see all the way through to the deepest parts of his soul. Somehow it was even more intense without the light blue contact lenses he often wore. Sometimes it was intoxicating and sometimes it was terrifying. 

“Anyone ever tell you that you have a very jarring gaze?”

“Someone once wrote in a magazine that locking eyes with me is like locking eyes with a serial killer.”

“I disagree. It’s more like looking into a flame. Drawing a person in...” Until they burn? “I can imagine someone going insane under you’re intense stare if it’s on them for too long.”

“Oh?”

“If I am going to lose my mind, I would rather it happen while looking into your gaze.”

“What a beautiful thought.”

“....Close your eyes, you don’t want bleach splashing in them.” Kihyun finally looked away.

Hyungwon closed his eyes, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Kihyun gathered himself for a moment and began gently washing the bleach out of Hyungwon’s hair. The remaining pink pigments disappeared down the drain and his hair was left it’s previous light blonde. Kihyun was a little sad to see the colour disappear like that. He applied a toner to take out any brassy tones, making sure he coated every strand. 

The model’s face was relaxed, enjoying the soothing feeling of fingers moving through his hair and gently massaging at his scalp. It was calming. A placid sigh passed through his slightly parted lips. He didn’t even notice when the water stopped running and his breath hitched when he suddenly felt a pair of lips pressed against his own. 

He brought his hand up automatically to cup Kihyun’s cheek, long fingers touching the purple dye in his hair accidentally. Not that he cared. He kept his eyes closed, sucking lightly at the other’s lower lip until Kihyun finally pulled away slightly. Hyungwon opened his eyes slowly. 

“Sorry, you just looked beautiful, I couldn’t help it.” Kihyun apologised. 

“It’s ok. I was zoning out. You should do this professionally.”

“Let me put some conditioner in your hair and then how bout we shower together?” His finger traced Hyungwon’s plush lower lip. 

The younger just nodded and watched the photographer grabbed a coconut conditioner. It must have been the one he always used. The one that made him smell of coconuts. 

“Does this mean I’ll smell like you?” He closed his eyes again as Kihyun applied the conditioner. 

“Guess so. Except, you also smell like an ash tray.” Though, Kihyun had noticed he must have had the consideration to eat a mint after smoking his cigarette this time. “You can get up now.” He replaced the shower head and switched it back on. 

“Yes sir.” The blonde chuckled and stood, lifting off his shirt carefully so us not to let it touch his hair. He watched the expression on Kihyun’s face as he tried to calculate how best to remove his hoodie without ruining it with purple dye. “Problem?”

“I didn’t really think this through.” He muttered, carefully lifting the hoodie off but inevitably getting dye all over it. “For fuck sake. This was new.” He glared at the stained garment before tossing it into the hamper. 

Hyungwon felt the laughter bubble in his chest. 

“Shut the fuck up and get in the shower.” Kihyun had to fight to keep the smile off his face. He loved Hyungwon’s laugh. 

Hyungwon stripped off his remaining clothes and stepped into the shower, still giggling to himself as the other followed suit and stepped close to him under the water. The blonde watched Kihyun tip his head back and the purple colour run in streams down over his naked body. He licked his lips at the sight. 

“Don’t think I can keep my hands off you.” Hyungwon confessed. 

“So don’t.” Kihyun said simply, picking up the shampoo and washing his hair, purple water and bubbles pooling at their feet slightly before running down the drain. 

“Maybe I’ll try exercising some self control.” Hyungwon let the water wash the coconut away, letting Kihyun wait in anticipation for his touch. He liked to tease. 

“Sure. Good luck with that.” Two could play at that game. Kihyun turned away to hide a little smirk, he took the soap and ran it over his skin purposefully slowly. 

“Don’t drop it.” Hyungwon sing-songed. 

“Oh, I won’t.”

Hyungwon watched for just another moment until gave in, yielding quickly and taking the soap from the other man and setting it back into the tray. He turned Kihyun around and crushed heir lips together hungrily. 

The shorter man gasped at the sudden manhandling but melted into his touch, wet skin against wet skin. Bodies sliding together. It made his every nerve tingle as his fingertips searched for purchase on hot slippery skin. 

“Sooo....” Hyungwon kissed down to his neck. “Shower sex?”

“No.” He pushed the younger against the wall, eliciting a gasp as Hyungwon’s back hit the cold tiles. “I’m not breaking my neck for anyone.”

“I’ll hold you nice and secure.” Hyungwon’s intense eyes locked with his again. 

“I was thinking I’ll suck you off instead.” Kihyun purred, hand sliding down Hyungwon’s flat stomach and to his already half hard cock. “Since you’re getting so excited.”

“Honestly I was starting to get hard when you were standing over me and snapping on those gloves.”

“You’re a kinky fucker.” Kihyun murmured against the junction between his neck and shoulder, landing a sharp bite there when the other gripped his hair. 

“You love it.” 

“I do.” Kihyun licked over where he’d bitten and sank down to his knees, fingers now gripping at Hyungwon’s slim thighs. “You don’t have to stay still but don’t choke me.” Kihyun warned. “Otherwise I’ll bite, and not in a way you’ll like.”

“No choking, gotcha.” 

Kihyun licked a stripe up the underside of Hyungwon’s shaft, flicking the tip of his tongue just under the head before taking him half way into his mouth. The model kept his hips still while Kihyun took one hand off his thigh to grip at his base. Sucking lightly and bobbing his head, he took in a little more each time he went down. 

“Ki you feel so good.” Hyungwon moaned, head tipping back against the tiles. 

Kihyun swallowed around him to help his throat accommodate the intrusion. He could feel himself getting hard, too. He was almost ashamed that he was getting off on having his mouth stuffed full and the taste of Hyungwon’s hot hard dick on his tongue. He took his other hand from the model’s lean wet thigh to grip his own erection, slowly stroking himself to full harness. Shit, this felt so good. He moaned and swallowed again, taking in as much as he could without choking himself. 

Hyungwon started to move his hips slightly, Kihyun didn’t mind. It only spurred him on, almost drunk on the sensation. His eyes fluttered closed, hand speeding up as he pumped himself faster. 

“Your mouth is like heaven.” Hyungwon groaned, fingers gripping wet hair a little tighter when he looked back down at Kihyun. “You touching yourself? Fuck... so filthy.”

The warm wetness of Kihyun’s mouth around him was something Hyungwon could truly lose himself in. It was like drowning but in the most beautiful of ways. He moved his hips a little more into it, careful not to go too far because in all honesty, he believed Kihyun when he said he’d bite. 

Kihyun was moaning around him, tongue teasing at sensitive areas as he did so. He pulled off for a moment to catch his breath. “Be louder, tell me how good it feels. Tell me you love me,” His voice was rough. He kissed Hyungwon’s thigh before enveloping him again, feeling the heavy weight on his tongue. 

“Your mouth is so perfect. You make me feel so amazing. I love you. I’d go to the ends of the earth for you.” The blonde panted out. 

“C-Can I please come on your pretty face? Please, Kihyun.” He pressed two fingers into his own mouth with the hand that wasn’t busy twisting in the other man’s hair. He could feel the tightness in the pit of his stomach expanding. Fuck he was so close already.

Kihyun hummed in affirmation, sending delicious vibrations through Hyungwon’s cock. He sucked harder, wanting to bring Hyungwon over the edge. 

He let himself be pulled back, still pumping his own erecting and closing his eyes as Hyungwon released himself, painting his face with stripes of white. 

“Shit you look so fucking gorgeous, Ki.” Hyungwon’s hand was still curled into wet purple locks and his words barely left his mouth when Kihyun came over his own hand with a gasping moan. 

“God, Hyungwon.” Kihyun really did look stunning with his face all flushed and spattered with come. 

“Love seeing you all messy.” Hyungwon murmured, moving his hand from his hair to wipe some of the semen off Kihyun’s cheek. He watched as Kihyun turned his head slightly and took the thumb into his mouth, sucking it clean. “Messy and pretty. Fuck I love you.”

“Stay the night?” Kihyun’s voice was a little gravely as he released Hyungwon’s thumb and tipped back his head so the water ran over his face. 

“Of course.”

 

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Hyungwon was true to his word and attended his appointment with his therapist. He sat opposite her in her large office. It was full of books and the desk was obnoxiously large and made of good quality oak. 

“I’m glad you finally made it to an appointment. How have you been?” She said, adjusting her glasses. 

“I’m great. Can’t wait to be told I’m a psychopath or a narcissist or something.” This was already going poorly. 

“You’re not a psychopath. Nor are you a narcissist and I’ve never diagnosed you as such, though I’m sure you could possibly be diagnosed with some other cluster B personally disorder if you allowed someone to look deeper. Being manipulative doesn’t make you a psychopath or narcissist. You are, however, diagnosed with clinical depression and have had some rather traumatising experiences in your life.” She set down her notes carefully on the desk. “It’s been two years, I was surprised when my assistant said you made an appointment but unsurprised when you kept cancelling.”

Hyungwon dropped his icy exterior. “I feel like I’m spiralling out of control and I need to fix it, otherwise I will die...”

“Are you suicidal, Hyungwon?”

“No. But I’m scared that I will be. That’s why I’m here letting you poke around in my head, even though I hate it.” He looked away. 

“I can’t help you if you’re resistant to being open with me.”

“I get into peoples heads, I don’t like it when it’s the other way round.”

“Maybe we should change the topic of our conversation. Are you still abusing substances?” She asked. Hyungwon knew she already knew the answer. 

“You make me sound like an addict.” He said slowly. 

“You are an addict, Hyungwon. You use prescription medication recreationally and you drink alcohol excessively to cope with your issues, do you not? You cannot get better until you face the reality that you have a problem with substance misuse along with everything else.”

“Everyone drinks to forget their problems.” Hyungwon scoffed.

“There is a difference between a glass of wine after work to decompress and excessive drinking. Do you still drink in the daytime?”

“I drink and take pills because of my issues. If I fix the issues I wont need to drink or take drugs.” Hyungwon was becoming irritated now. 

“Alcohol and drug use can make depression and anxiety worse. You’re aware of that. I will help you but you must help yourself, also. You must be ready to face all of your problems, otherwise this will go nowhere. I recommend residential rehab.”

Hyungwon stood abruptly. “Not gonna happen. That’s the last thing my career needs.”

“It is 11am and I can smell alcohol on you.” She said calmly. 

“From last night.” Hyungwon said simply. 

“I am doubtful of that, Hyungwon. You’ve never acknowledged you had a problem and I believe now is the time for you to face it. Maybe then we can begin properly treating your depression and what I’m sure is a degree of PTSD.”

“You know what? This was a waste of my time.” Hyungwon bit, heading for the door. 

“Please consider my recommendation!” She called after him. 

 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

That night, Hyungwon sat himself in the corner of a bar he often frequented. It was quiet, probably because it was such an expensive place to get drunk. After his third double whisky he flagged down the bartender. “Could you just give me the bottle? Charge me whatever you like.” He tossed his card carelessly down onto the bar.

“Sure thing, Mr Chae. I believe we have your address in case you require a text home, don't we?” Hyungwon couldn’t tell if this guy was mocking him or not. He didn’t really care at this point.

He should probably be ashamed that he’d become drunk to the point of being unable to even get himself into a taxi enough times that bars he haunted regularly had a note of his address. He probably did have a problem, didn't he?

The bartender charged his card and set the whisky bottle down next to his empty glass. The model checked his phone, still paranoid about having to face those images of himself again. There was nothing on social media, thank god.

Goddamn this was a mess, wasn’t it? He was a mess. 

He pushed the thoughts away and shoved his phone back into his pocket, taking another gulp from his glass and barely even feeling the familiar burn on his tongue and down his throat. Numb inside and out yet still in pain. 

Then, a familiar chirpy too-loud voice met his ears. “Oh fancy seeing you here. I’ve been waiting for my text.” It was Minhyuk. The white haired man sat himself at the bar next to Hyungwon with a brightly coloured cocktail.

Great, he the last person he wanted to see when he was feeling shitty. Minhyuk was like a grim reminder of everything about himself. On top of that, Hyungwon had the notion in the back of his head that Minhyuk was a couple of years younger than him but in reality he realised they were probably the same age. Apparently Minhyuk just made him feel old. Old before his time. It all just made the model want to make that smile disappear from the other man’s lips. A dangerous way to feel. 

“I deleted your number.” He said without looking over. 

“Aww. That makes me sad.” Minhyuk pouted. “Did I not suck your cock good enough?”

“I don’t require your number anymore.” Hyungwon drawled. 

“Shame, because I was hoping to run into you again so you could fuck me up.” Minhyuk placed his hand on Hyungwon’s thigh. 

“That isn’t my problem, I’m sure you can get laid elsewhere.” He slapped Minhyuk’s hand away. Somehow the feeling of a hand sliding up his thigh still made him feel cheap. 

“I’m sure I can.” He sipped his drink. “You gonna share your whisky?”

The blonde knew he should probably tell Minhyuk he had a boyfriend and was therefore off the market. “You already have a drink. What is that? Looks even fruitier than you.” 

“Tequila Sunrise.” The white haired man then proceeded to drink the rest of the contents of the glass in a few big gulps. “Oh look, now its gone!” 

Hyungwon rolled his eyes as he slid the bottle towards Minhyuk, who then leaned over he bar and helped himself to a clean glass before pouring himself some of the whisky. 

“I was thinking about you last night, actually.” Minhyuk mused innocently as he sipped the drink, grimacing. 

Hyungwon quirked a curious eyebrow. “I’d say I don’t wanna know but you’d tell me anyway.”

“Was flicking through a magazine and saw you plastered all over the middle pages. Thought about how it felt having my mouth stretched around your cock and it made me so hard.” Minhyuk elaborated, taking a bigger gulp of the whisky. “Then I fucked myself on a nice big dildo for half the night.”

Hyungwon did his best to hide the fact he almost choked on his drink. “At least a dildo doesn’t have to hear your yapping.”

“So mean, I love it.” Minhyuk gave an over the top wink and necked the last of his whisky. “Ugh! I need ice in the next one. So gross. You must hate yourself drink it on its own.” He waved down the bartender and asked for a bucket of ice. 

“This isn’t exactly how I wanted my evening to turn out. Listening to your loud annoying voice in my ear. I’m getting a headache.”

“And what did you have planned?” Minhyuk helped himself to more whisky, dropping two ice cubes into the glass this time.

“Sit here alone and swallow enough spirits to render a small elephant paralytic and somehow wake up at home.” He’d already drank enough that the world had that familiar haziness, turning fuzzy around the edges. 

“Sounds sad.” Minhyuk pushes out his lower lip. 

“Because it is sad.” Hyungwon sighed. 

The drinks blurred together. Somehow Minhyuk’s hand ended up back on his thigh. Hyungwon wasn't sure when that happened. He also wasn't sure how they ended up drunkenly kissing outside or when he’d gotten Minhyuk pressed up agains the cold damp wall. 

He also couldn't be sure at what point the touches became more intoxicating than the alcohol clouding his brain. “Cheap boy, shall I rip off these expensive clothes?” He had breathed out of spite as his hands pulled at a silk shirt. 

It was a messy blur and he found himself at home with the alluring Minhyuk spread out and naked on his bed.

There was an uncomfortable feeling of hate in Hyungwon’s chest that Minhyuk was able to tempt him like this, to break his self control. Not that it was hard to do, apparently.

_“I want to take him apart...”_

_“...but I shouldn’t.”_

“Fuck me.” Minhyuk’s airy voice had rose above the haze. 

_“This is wrong.”_

But it wasn’t Minhyuk that he hated, was it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Hyungwon, what are you doing? Are you really gonna go through with this?
> 
> Next time: The story finally reaches it’s crescendo.
> 
> ____
> 
>  
> 
> Don’t know why I feel the need to tell you this but I am super into JBJ95’s song “Who I Am” right now. It’s such a great little bop! :D (maybe in case you need cheering up after reading this!)
> 
> Next chapter MAY land Friday or Monday because I’m away for the weekend at a wedding in the absolute middle of nowhere.


	13. My Final Kindness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All things must end. Sometimes it takes something terrible to frighten a person into action. Self loathing becomes fear of ones self.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There is a somewhat violent scene ahead so approach with caution. Also, continuing our themes of mental health issues and addiction.

Hyungwon woke up with a throbbing ache in his head and a mouth like sandpaper. The familiar nausea was sitting in the pit of his stomach and hazy memories were coupled with the warmth of another body laying next to him. He didn’t dare open his eyes just yet. He just wracked his fuzzy brain in search of what exactly had actually transpired in he night before. 

 

_“Fuck me.” That airy pretty voice whined._

_“Look at you, you’re fucking gagging for attention. So fucking desperate. It’s sad.”_

_“Oh darling, is that how you get off? Talking down to me?” Minhyuk chimed with a grin, legs spread wide like sin incarnate._

_“Do you get off on being talked down to? Such a slut.” God, is this what he’d become? He felt powerful. Like he was a snake steadily constructing his willing prey, offering itself up on a delicious plate to him._

_“Use me, Chae Hyungwon. I want it.”_

 

Hyungwon rubbed his face, as if that would rub away the uncomfortable feeling growing inside him. He steeled himself to open his eyes and look at the man sleeping next to him, his neck and torso exposed and littered with harsh bites and hickeys. 

 

_“P-Please tell me I’m a good boy.” Minhyuk squeaked out between his moans. He’d taken Hyungwon with minimal prep, greedy and desperate._

_“Why should I?” Hyungwon bit down on Minhyuk’s neck before sucking a harsh bruise into the skin at the same time as an extra hard thrust into his tight warmth._

_“Ah! T-Then tell me I’m pretty.” Minhyuk almost screamed, fingernails raking down Hyungwon’s back painfully. “A-Am I pretty enough for you?”_

_“Need some validation? Is that it?”_

_“Y-Yes! Please please please~” Minhyuk begged. “W-Wanna be something. W-Wanna be your plaything!”_

_“You’re too pretty for your own good and you fucking know it. That what you wanna hear?” There was a sneer to his voice. “Pretty whore. Too fucking pretty.”_

_“Y-yes! And I’m s-so good. I’ll let you do anything t-to me!” Minhyuk’s moans were so loud they resonated off the walls._

_“You are good. But you’re prettier with your eyes closed so I don’t have to look at that weird blink. Otherwise, you’re only good for being taken from behind.”_

 

Hyungwon felt his stomach lurch uncomfortably, unsure if it was the memories or the alcohol he’d drank making him nauseous. He felt so fucking unclean and he wanted to puke. He’d betrayed Kihyun and treated Minhyuk like an object... or worse, like he was nothing. 

He shook Minhyuk’s shoulder hard, causing the white haired man to groan and roll over. He still looked so fucked out. “Get dressed and get the fuck out.” Hyungwon said, more sharply than he intended in his panic.

“Charming.” Minhyuk slowly sat up with a wince, body aching. “Dunno what hurts more, my butt or my head.” He rubbed his hands through his messy hair. 

Hyungwon reached over to the drawer in his bedside table, taking out some mild painkillers and an anti inflammatories and tossed them onto the bed. “Sorry...”

“Oh thank you!”

Hyungwon winced, that goddamn voice was far too loud right now. “Take my advice and get your self worth from somewhere else because one day you won’t even be able to fake a smile.” This was compassion, wasn't it? Regret, too. He didn't want to be that kind of person. Not anymore. His heart ached for Minhyuk. The way his voice sounded so desperate when he begged to be called a good boy and pretty was still ringing in his ears. He could remember calling out similar things in his own head. _“Tell me I’m worth something....”_ in the end he was still so desperate to be worth something. 

Minhyuk’s sleepy but cheery face faltered but he said nothing, turning over the painkillers in his hands. silently. Hyungon had spotted the fakeness of that smile when he first saw Minhyuk in passing, anyway. 

“It’s not worth the attention. Don’t let the world take you for all you’re worth.” Hyungwon looked away.

“I don’t have much of anything left to take, darling.” His tone sounded so empty. Like the chime of a cracked bell. 

“Trust me, you do because you have a kind heart. People will wring out every last drop of you because the world is full of predators and assholes.” 

“Like you?”

That blindsided him for a moment. He knew it was true, that he had become a monster. But hearing it out of someone else’s mouth tasted bitter in his own. “...Like me.” 

Minhyuk shakily stood from the bed, not bothering to cover himself. “Can I at least use your shower? Don’t wanna walk around covered in come.”

“Sure.” He watched him hobble to the bathroom. “Hey, Minhyuk? You’re beautiful, not just pretty. But more than that, I can tell you have a good soul. You’re worth so much more than you think. You need to learn to like yourself.” Where had that come from? He wished someone had spoken those words to him when he felt lost and valueless. That said, he still felt lost and valueless. “Sorry for being mean about your eyes.” He’d done it because he figured it was something the white haired man was self conscious about. People are always self conscious about small details, always a great way to break a person down. 

Minhyuk turned and gave a genuine little smile. “Thank you...” He then disappeared into the bathroom. 

Hyungwon got dressed while Minhyuk was showering. For a moment he considered keeping all this from Kihyun. No, he couldn’t. He had to tell the truth. He couldn't keep his from him. At the very least the photographer would notice the harsh scratches down his back. Kihyun’s paranoid tendencies made him very perceptive. 

Hyungwon took out some pills for the nausea and some for the headache, something a little stronger because Kihyun was probably going to punch the stuffing out of him. _“I might need a good plastic surgeon after this.”_

He took himself out to the kitchen, filling a glass with water, his mouth was far too dry to choke down the pills on their own. He took a few tentative gulps first and waited a few seconds to see if his fragile stomach would accept it. When the nausea didn’t get any worse, he swallowed the pills with the remaining water in the glass. He figured he’d let his headache improve a little before going to see Kihyun. 

“Thanks for the fuck and painkillers. I finally got my one night stand from Chae Hyungwon.” Minhyuk sing-songed, walking out of the bedroom dressed in his own jeans and one of Hyungwon’s t-shirts. 

“Why are you in my t-shirt?”

“Because there’s no buttons left on my shirt. I vaguely remember you ripping it open in the ally behind the bar.”

“Send my company the bill if you want.” Hyungwon rubbed his temples. 

“It’s ok, plenty where that came from. Oh, and I used your toothbrush because my moth tasted like the inside of a coffin.” Minhyuk shrugged with a grin, showing off his perfectly straight white rows of teeth. It made Hyungwon think of how much he liked Kihyun’s grin. Not all his teeth were perfectly aligned and he had a silver cap on one of his molars. 

“Great.” The model deadpanned. 

“Thanks for the whisky, too. Not sure my liver agrees, though.” Minhyuk said after pulling on his shoes. He stepped and turned as he reached the door. “Oh! And by the way, you have a lot of worth, too. I think I’m not the only one who needs to hear that and also maybe learn to like himself a little more.” He said softly as he slipped out of the apartment. 

Hyungwon stared into space for a long while, feeling the nausea crawl back into the his stomach. Finally, he moved himself to the shower so he could wash the deeply unclean feeling off his skin and scrub away his shame. 

 

:::::::::::::::::::

 

_Kihyun 1:21pm_  
Which of these do you think has the better composition?  
[Image Attached] 

_Hyunwoo 1:34pm  
They’re both so good! :D_

_Kihyun 1:35pm  
That’s not helpful >:( _

_Hyunwoo 1:35pm  
I’ll ask the guys _

_Hyunwoo 1:37pm  
Break room votes are in! 2 people like the one on the left more and 4 people like the one on the right. _

_Kihyun 1:37pm  
Now THATS helpful, thank you Hyunwoo’s colleagues. _

_Hyunwoo 1:39pm  
I still like them both._

_Kihyun 1:39  
You like everything. Don’t know why I ask you. _

_Hyunwoo 1:42pm  
Your hyung is just so proud of you and your work. Anyways, gotta go save some lives now ;)_

_Kihyun 1:42pm  
Son Hyunwoo- Saving the world one rotator cuff injury at a time._

_Hyunwoo 1:43pm  
Don’t forget all the inflamed knee cartilage!!_

Kihyun laughed to himself. He still felt bad about their argument, though. Sometimes he wished Hyunwoo would yell at him or hit him back, maybe he’d feel a bit less shitty. In fact, the man had never laid a hand on him in retaliation other than to stop him from hurting himself. 

He stared down at some prints he had laid out on the floor, separating the one Hyunwoo’s colleagues had preferred. Looking at it he had to agree, the composition was a little more aesthetically pleasing and the light a little sharper which fit the concept well.

Now he just had to sort through the rest of the damn things.

 

———

 

Hyungwon knew Kihyun wouldn’t appreciate him showing up unannounced to his studio. But really, considering the grand scheme of things it was the least of his worries. Kihyun was probably going to go completely nuts and beat the crap out of him. Despite that, he needed to get this off his chest because it would be worse if the now purple haired photographer worked it out on his own. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad because he was pretty sure he didn't even have enough fire left in him to taunt or enrage he photographer further. He was just too tired, tired and numb. That was probably a good thing in this case.

He knew the access code for the door by heart so he punched it in easily. The model was sure to be quiet in case Kihyun was with a client.

When he climbed the stayed and quietly pushed the door open he saw Kihyun was working alone, looking over images set out across the floor. He was probably narrowing down what to show at an exhibition, Hyungwon guessed. He watched silently for a while, unnoticed. He liked the look of concentration on Kihyun’s face and the way his eyebrows knit together and his tongue poked out a little. The model let himself enjoy the view while he could, a strange unsettling feeling sitting in his chest. Something akin to a sense of foreboding. 

After a while, Kihyun noticed him. He startled at the sight of a looming form watching him from the back of the studio. 

“Shitting hell, Hyungwon! You scared me. Are you trying to give me a goddamn heart attack?” He hissed, hand on his chest. 

“Sorry.” Hyungwon said emptily.

Kihyun realised almost instantly that something wasn’t right. “What’s wrong? You’re standing there watching me like the grim spectre of death.” He uttered cautiously.

“I...” Hyungwon stepped closer. His heart was pounding. 

Kihyun took a step back because he knew fear when he saw it. Hyungwon was afraid which meant Kihyun wasn’t going to like what he was about to say. “Hyungwon please don’t...” His hands were trembling. 

“I cheated on you. Last night.” 

“You... I thought...” Kihyun looked hurt. More hurt than Hyungwon had ever seen him. 

“I’m sorry... I don’t know what I was thinking. I was drunk. He just... I don’t know why I did it but I just wanted to ruin him.”

Kihyun’s eyes were filling with tears just as the switch flipped and he crossed the room quickly. The blonde raised his hands in self defence, covering his face but Kihyun delivered a punch to his gut. It knocked the wind out of him and caused his already aching stomach to cramp painkillers. 

“Who!?” Kihyun grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him as he doubled over in pain. 

“W-Was M-Minhyuk.” Hyungwon whimpered out. 

Kihyun’s whole body tightened visibly before he shoved Hyungwon hard, tackling him to the hard cold floor. “I hate you! I fucking hate you!” His trembling hands wrapped themselves around Hyungwon’s neck. He gripped hard enough to prevent the blonde from taking in a breath. The tears were streaming down Kihyun’s face as he acted without thought, body detached from rational thought. “Why would you do this!?”

Panic struck Hyungwon like a train. He couldn’t breathe. This was unlike the other times Kihyun had lashed out. He struggled and thrashed his legs around as his fingers scratched desperately at the hands around his throat. _“Am I crying? I don’t want to die... even if I deserve to.”_

Kihyun didn’t let up at all, just sobbing relentless angry tears which dripped onto the blonde’s face. 

Hyungwon could feel his chest burn with the desperate need for air. His vision was blurring out at the edges and turning dark. 

_“I deserve this.”_

The model felt the structures in his throat crunch sickeningly, the cartilage yielding to the pressure. It hurt. It hurt so much and his body was becoming too weak to struggle, deprived of oxygen. 

His heart quivered strangely and uncomfortably in his chest, entering a strange rhythm as his nerves were compressed. 

His head was swimming with painful pressure from the restricted blood flow.

_“This was all my fault... everything.”_

Then there was a blackness. A calm and empty blackness. A dark void and the feeling of being drawn deeper into it. An unseen force beckoning. 

_“Find what you love and let it kill you...”_

_“...What a way to go....”_

_“...Is this why the universe didn't let me die in that bathtub? Because it wanted to see me squirm first? Slipping away in warm water would have been too gentle.”_

The panic was gone. Giving way to a cold placid calm.

It was almost comfortable. 

Kihyun barely registered the feeling of his own hands around Hyungwon’s throat, the shifting of cartilage and small bones under the force. Nor did he really register the desperate struggling and stretching at his arms and hands. 

What his mind did register, though, was the moment Hyungwon stopped struggling and his body went limp below him. 

Then the inferno of fury turned into ice cold fear like a dagger straight into his chest, stomach dropping instantly and his heart stuttering behind his ribs. 

“Oh god! Oh fuck!” Kihyun released his grip in panic. Hyungwon lay there unmoving. His lips were tinted a terrible shade of blue and angry bruises had already formed around his elegant neck. 

“What the fuck have I done?” Kihyun asked himself out loud, voice quivering. “Please! I’m sorry! Please don’t leave me!” Hyungwon wasn’t moving or breathing. “Fuck please don’t be dead!” Kihyun’s chest was tightening up with fear. Fuck. He’d gone too far. His father was right when he told him he’d end up killing someone. He was dangerous. 

Dangerous. 

He should be locked away forever.

“Hyungwon!” He shook the model’s unmoving body harshly. “Please!” He begged, as if that could raise the dead. 

It felt like an eternity passed over them while Kihyun’s brain rattled with thoughts at a mile a minute. Until suddenly Hyungwon’s respiratory drive kicked back in. He gasped desperately, panting hard rough breaths. His airway felt narrow and swollen and he could taste blood and when he swallowed it felt was like his throat was full of razor blades. 

“Yes! Hyungwon! Breathe! Please breathe!” 

Every intake of breath hurt. It took a moment for Hyungwon’s mind to catch up to what was going on, the oxygen deprivation weighing heavily. As soon as he could, he shoved Kihyun away even though limbs weren’t coordinating properly. His whole body was shaking violently with the adrenaline flooding his veins but at least the blue tinge had left his lips. 

“Y-You’re a ... c-crazy fuck.” His voice sounded awful, hoarse damaged. _“We’re both the problem.”_

“You’re a stupid son of a bitch!” Kihyun pulled Hyungwon against his body desperately, despite the taller’s weak attempts to get away. “Sometimes I think you’re actually fucking suicidal.”

“Me too.” His body finally relaxed despite being held by the man who had just choked him into unconsciousness, relenting to the closeness he apparently craved. 

“For a moment I wanted to choke the life out of you, Hyungwon. I almost did.” He took some deep breaths, so relieved the other wasn't dead. He wasn't a murder. “We can’t do this anymore.”

“I know.” Hyungwon closed his eyes. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” The blonde croaked, his voice still gravelly and painful to use.

“I also fucking hate you. I hate you and I hate myself.”

“You know what? ...I love that you hate me.” Hyungwon admitted.

“I need to get out of your life forever before you end up dead and I end up in prison or in a lunatic asylum.” Kihyun pulled himself away. Or at least he tried to, but the model was clinging onto his shirt. 

“No! Please don’t leave me. I need you!” He raised his voice as best he could but it sounded awful.

“No you don’t need me. You need help. So do I.” 

“I wont fucking let you leave!” His hands gripped tighter onto the thin material.

Kihyun’s pulse was thundering in his ears. “There was a time I saw the devil in you. Chae Hyungwon, the master manipulator, trapping me in your web and waiting to suck the life out of me. But you’re not, you’re sad and you’re damaged and I can’t fucking fix you, as much as I want to.” He couldn’t even fix himself, after all. “Please, Hyungwon! I feel like every time I touch you the cracks just get bigger. Please get help. Please! And stay the fuck away from me!” Kihyun forcibly removed the other’s hands from his shirt and stood up quickly.

“Please don’t!” Hyungwon begged. He was crying. Kihyun had never seen him cry before. It was a gut wrenching sight. “I don’t have anyone left if you leave me!”

“I’m sorry. Let go of my leg. Please!” He yanked his leg away. 

“Please! I’m begging you! I’m sorry I slept with Minhyuk, I’ll never do it again! I won’t even speak to anyone else! Y-You can keep me locked away if you want!”

“I almost murdered you! What the hell is wrong with you?! I almost strangled you to death with my own fucking hands!” Kihyun yelled, watching the supposedly cold man sobbing and begging at his feet. It was a haunting vision. 

“Kihyun, I can’t lose you!”

“This is probably the greatest kindness I can ever do for you, please understand that. This is because I love you.” These were probably the most rational thoughts he’d had since becoming involved with the model. Kihyun did everything he could to keep his tears in as he took one last look at the other man, heart feeling like it was breaking into tiny pieces. Finally, he turned and walked out, leaving Hyungwon a crying mess on the floor. 

Hyungwon kept crying as he stayed on his hands and knees in the empty studio, tears dripping onto some of the prints laid out there and causing the ink to bleed. Years of pent-up anguish flowing out of him. Every desperate, ragged sob sent pain shooting through his throat.

So this was what crying was like...

Finally. 

 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

“Hyunwoo, there’s a guy in the waiting room asking for you. He seems pretty messed up, the receptionist wanted to call security.” A female colleague said as soon as Hyunwoo’s patient had left.

Hyunwoo looked through the glass panel in the door into the waiting room to see Kihyun pacing up and down like a caged animal. He looked like he was about to cry. “Shit. Uh, will you let the boss know I needed to go? Urgent crisis.” 

“Sure. Will do. Everything ok?” She asked, concerned. 

“Not if he came here while I’m working...” Hyunwoo said quietly as he moved through to the waiting room, as soon as Kihyun saw him he attached himself to his side, not saying anything and just clung on tightly to his best friend. 

“Come on, let’s get you home.” Hyunwoo looked down over the dried blood and deep scratches on his arms. Had Kihyun done this to himself? The scratches seemed far more severe and were at a different angle to the usual. Now was not the time to ask, though.

“Yours. C-Can we go to yours?” Kihyun stuttered as he trembled.

“Yeah. Let’s go.” Hyunwoo put an arm around Kihyun’s shoulders as he ushered him out of the waiting room full of staring patients. 

Kihyun sat silently in the car, eyes closed like he was barely managing to stay calm as his fingers drummed harshly over his collarbone. Hyunwoo didn't want to ask anything just yet, not until he got him home. As he knew all too well, a moving vehicle was the last place he wanted Kihyun to freak out, so he kept looking over at the younger to check he was still holding himself together.

“N-Need my meds.” Kihyun rushed out. 

“Ok, we’ll get them as soon as we arrive. They’re still in my bathroom cabinet.” Hyunwoo said calmly. Kihyun had been given a supply of benzodiazepines to take when his anxiety became too unmanageable and incapacitated him. He’d only resorted to taking them three other times and on two of those occasions he’d gone running to Hyunwoo’s place. Because wherever his best friend was always seemed to be the first place he’d run to when he needed help or comfort. Because of this, he’d asked him to keep a strip of the pills at his apartment, too. He didn’t like being alone when he took them, anyway. 

Kihyun nodded, eyes still impossibly wide as he remained stuck on the edge. He hated taking any medication other than the propranolol for his palpitations and tremor but everything was too much. In this moment, caught in between the walls of fight or flight. He’d never been quite this bad before, what just transpired had shaken him to his core.

When they finally arrived at Hyunwoo’s apartment, he sat Kihyun up on the kitchen counter so he’d be able to clean up his arms. “Wait here one moment, I’ll get your medication.” He murmured and left to quickly grab the blister strip of pills from the back of the bathroom cabinet. We he returned, Kihyun was sitting on the counter still, arms wrapped around himself for comfort. “You’ll be ok, I know it feels awful but it’ll pass.” He reassured the younger and filled a glass with water, holding it out with one hand and the pill with the other. 

Kihyun took the glass, hands shaking so badly some of the contents spilled and he almost dropped the whole thing. Hyunwoo took it back quickly. “Shall I help you?” He asked softly. 

Kihyun nodded a yes, pride meaning nothing anymore. He even opened his mouth and poked out his tongue a little as a silent request for Hyunwoo to place the medication in his mouth. Kihyun didn’t trust his motor skills enough right now to pick up such a tiny thing. 

Hyunwoo got the hint and placed the slightly bitter small white disk onto his tongue and held the glass if water up to his lips so he could drink. He watched Kihyun swallow a few gulps and tilt his head back. 

“Gone?”

Kihyun nodded again. 

“Can I take a look at your arms? They’re going to need cleaning.”

Kihyun hesitantly offered up his arms. 

“Was this you? It looks nasty.” He asked gently.

Kihyun shook his head as a no.

Hyunwoo took out his first aid box and prepared a few things before gently taking the arm with the deepest scratches. First, he carefully washed the dried blood from the skin, doing his best to press lightly. “This is gonna sting, I’m sorry but otherwise it’ll get infected.” He warned and dabbed tentatively over the lacerations with antiseptic soaked gauze. It made Kihyun hiss and try to withdraw his arm but Hyunwoo was holding his hand firmly. “I’m sorry, Ki.” He apologised as he continued to clean him up as painlessly as he could. 

Kihyun stopped struggling pretty quickly. Instead, he just cried into his other arm. 

“I’m gonna put a bandage on, ok? We’ll need to clean it again in the morning, too.” Hyunwoo explained and applied a bandage and some sterile gauze over the the photographer’s forearm. “Can I have your other arm now?”

Reluctantly, Kihyun gave over his other arm for Hyunwoo to do he same. He felt himself start to come back away from he edge as the medication kicked in along with his best friend’s calming presence easing his panic.

“I strangled him... h-he wasn't breathing.” Kihyun confessed suddenly when Hyunwoo finished bandaging his other arm.

Something dropped in Hyunwoo’s stomach and he visibly paled. “He...”

“I l-let go as soon as I came to my s-senses.” He broke off into sobs, reaching out to hold onto Hyunwoo and encircling both his arms and legs around him as though for safety. 

“Kihyun, was he conscious when you left?” Hyunwoo asked as gently as he could, concerned for Hyungwon’s welfare. 

Kihyun nodded quickly. “Not long after I let go. He woke up, thank fuck. Sh-Shit! I shouldn’t be allowed near people!” He suddenly released his friend and pushed him away hard. 

“What happened? You wouldn’t have just done that without something happening first.”

“H-He fucked someone else.” Kihyun started scratching at his hands where the bandages didn't cover, trying to ground himself on the sharp pain as the panic started to build again.

“Ki, please stop. You’re hurting yourself.” Hyungwon stepped closer again and carefully took one of Kihyun’s hands in his own and cupping his tearstained cheek with the other. 

“Don’t let me go back to him. I’m begging you, hyung. I need to stay away.” He crumpled back into him. He was terrified, more terrified than he’d ever been in his life.

“It’ll be ok, Ki...” 

“I left him. T-Told him we couldn't do this anymore. I need to be strong enough to stay away or we’ll destroy each other, I don’t want that!”

“You did the right thing by walking away. For both of you.” He rubbed over Kihyun’s back soothingly.

“He begged me, hyung. He begged me not to go.”

“I’m proud of you for walking away, Kihyun. It’s the hardest thing you can do sometimes.”

“It feels horrible. He was crying and begging on the floor for me to stay. It hurt so fucking bad.” He pressed his face into the crook of Hyunwoo’s neck to hide from the memory. 

“I know it’s hard but it’ll get better.” 

“Will it?”

“It will...” Hyunwoo laced their fingers together and Kihyun squeezed his hand.

“I’m so scared of myself. I wanted to kill him in that moment. He stopped breathing and I thought I’d really killed hm. So I know it’s for the best and I have to keep telling myself that because right now I feel like nothings ever gonna be ok again. Promise me you won’t let me speak to him? Please, I’m not strong enough.”

“Kihyun, you are strong enough. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever known. I promise I will be here to help you, Ki.”

“Can I stay here for a while? H-He doesn’t know where you live and I don't really wanna be alone, hyung. I’m too scared.” Kihyun asked, voice small and pathetic to his own ears. 

“Of course you can.”

“I’ll get help properly. I’ll tell them everything. I will. I’ll even take medication if they want me to. I promise I’ll get better.”

 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

Hyungwon couldn't even bring himself to try and contact Kihyun. Facing the reality he had left him was too much agony. He just wanted to drown it all out. Life had lost it’s meaning and he stopped caring about it. There was nothing left. What was the point? Both Kihyun and Hoseok were gone and he was left with only himself to blame. It was far too painful.

Time bled into itself. Days and hours no longer felt relevant. He kept his head swimming in a potent cocktail of alcohol and pills so he wouldn’t have to think. Wouldn’t have to face his pain and loneliness.

He was laying on his floor unable and unwilling to shift his uncoordinated body when he was vaguely aware of a loud noise and then the feeling of a tentative hand running through his messy unwashed hair. 

“Wonnie. We’re getting you help, ok?” A familiar voice rang through softly. It was enough for Hyungwon to crack his eyes open.

Hyungwon squinted up at the blurry face, eyes finding it hard to focus. The room was spinning around him and the light was far too bright. He rolled onto his side, stomach doing somersaults. His eyes eventually focussed on some pills on the floor and empty bottles. He could taste tequila and vomit. His mouth was so fucking dry. What day was it? Not that he cared. 

“I’m fine...” He slurred to the unknown person. His voice was still croaky and breathy. Partly from the physical trauma of strangulation and partly from what he’d been putting his body through himself for the last few days.

“I had to break down your door, you’ve been in here for days. Nobody could get hold of you! Your manager called me. I was scared you’d...” The last part remained unsaid. “You aren’t fine, Wonnie. What are those bruises around your neck?” The person kept calling him Wonnie, only one person called him that. He looked up properly to see it was Hoseok standing over him. 

“Don’t look at me.” Hyungwon sniffled, tears starting to run freely again. “Please...”

“Let me help you... It smells like an ashtray in a brewery. You’re laying in a fucked up nest of your own misery. You’re far from fine. Tell me what happened to your neck.” 

Hoseok was probably worried he tried to hang himself. “Kihyun did it. Was my fault.” He rasped.

“Shit, it looks so bad, what happened?”

“He left.”

“It looks like he strangled you, why haven’t you gone to the hospital or the police?”

“I said it was my fault!” He tried to raise his voice but it only cracked.

Hoseok sighed, it was a sad sigh rather than a frustrated one. “Can you stand?”

“Please leave me...” No, he probably couldn’t stand without falling back to the floor. 

“Can we get you cleaned up? Cool water should sober you up a little.”

“I don't wanna be sober.” 

“Just enough so we can talk?”

“Fine...” Hyungwon conceded and tried to move but his limbs felt too heavy and uncoordinated. He felt like a turtle stuck on its back. There was a joke in that somewhere. 

Hoseok carefully picked Hyungwon up bridal style easily and carried him to the bathroom. “If I sit you on the toilet seat will you be able to stay upright?”

Hyungwon shook his head no. He was so fucking dizzy. 

“Floor it is, then.” He set Hyungwon down with his back against the wall. “You owe me a new spine when you’re better.” Hoseok rubbed his own lower back a little and began filling the tub with cool water.

“Put it on my tab...” The blonde mumbled. 

Hyungwon didn’t protest as his friend peeled off his clothes gently, just allowing his body to be manoeuvred like a rag doll. He thought to himself how much he must be thoroughly stripped of his precious pride and stubborn dignity as he let Hoseok sit him in the bath tub. He expected it to feel cold but he barely felt it at all. Must have been the opioids and nervous system depressants. The body registers cold along the same pathways as pain, after all. 

“You left. Why are you here?” He finally mumbled as Hoseok passed a cloth over his skin, gently removing days of filth. “You didn't have to come.” He continued, words still slurred and hard to form.

“Because you need me.” 

Hyungwon said nothing in return. He sat there as Hoseok washed his hair. They’d been here before. A long long time ago. When Hyungwon had been too deep into rock bottom to look after himself properly.

“Am I gonna have to lock myself in a room with you again to get you sobered up?”

Hyungwon wasn’t stupid. He knew he was in trouble. “No... I don’t think that’s enough...” 

Hoseok sighed. “Do you want to... harm yourself?”

“I don’t know. I feel so numb one moment and like my skin is on fire the next. Like I wanna scream and cry but just lay there motionless. I just want it to end, hyung.” He was crying again. It really was a relief to finally shed tears. 

“We’ll get you better again. We’ve done it before.” Hoseok took his hand in his and squeezed. “I’m sorry I left...”

“I’m sorry I made you leave...” The words almost got lost in a choked off sob. “Please help me.”

“I will.”

“I think.... I need rehab.”

_“I tortured the man I loved and drove him away. Now I am forced to face the husk of a person I am.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: Epilogue- Where do our boys end up down the line? The healing begins and an invitation lands on Hyungwon’s desk, years later. 
> 
> Kihyun and Hyunwoo finally talk about Hyunwoo’s confession and Hyungwon has someone land in his life who he can help guide and at the same time learn for himself how to be human again. 
> 
> _____
> 
> Oh my god! I can’t believe this journey is almost over! Thank you to everyone who’s kept on reading!
> 
> Today the song that’s stuck in my head: 24K’s Superfly! (If you’ve not heard it, it has SUCH a good drop!) Oh, and anyone seen Park Kyung’s MV for Gwichanist? Gosh, he’s just so cute and soft I can’t handle it. I just want to pick him up and carry him around in my pocket!


	14. EPILOGUE: I Still Hate Parties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lead up to a reunion years later. They find they are different people again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s some closure for you guys! Thank you to all my lovely readers!

_____________________________  
___________KIHYUN___________

 

It took Kihyun six months of medication and regular counselling sessions to finally feel himself stabilising. But those first six months had been hard to say the least. In fact, sometimes it was nothing short of a living hell. Everything seemed to get so much worse before it got better. His mind swung between being completely unfocused to being unable to pull himself away from some insignificant detail. Sometimes he’d sleep too much and sometimes he’d spend the whole night awake, too scared to sleep for some delusional reason his brain dreamed up. 

It was frustrating but his doctor said it was all part of the process.

His best friend had taken the brunt of his outbursts durning this time because they’d agreed on Kihyun living with him until he was feeling able to live alone again. At one point, two months into treatment, Kihyun had trashed the apartment because of his frustration over his hands shaking too much to type out a message on his phone. 

Hyunwoo had tried to be diplomatic, not wanting to have to use physical force against him to make him stop. Not that he cared about things being broken, he just didn’t want Kihyun to injure himself. 

“Kihyun, please stop.” He said calmly but flinched as a coffee mug smashed against the wall, narrowly missing him.

“Fuck off!”

“Kihyun, if you don’t stop I’ll have to hold you until you calm down. I know you’re frustrated.”

“Don’t you fucking dare touch me!” Kihyun spat like a caged beast.

“Kihyun, I just don’t want you to hurt yourself.” He stepped closer, causing Kihyun to move back, stepping bare footed on a broken shard of what used to be a vase. He didn’t even flinch but there was blood already spilling on the carpet. 

“Stay away!”

The fact that Kihyun was backing away rather than throwing punches meant he was scared now. There was a chance he’d run out of the apartment and Hyunwoo couldn’t let that happen again. Last time Kihyun did that he’d been found crying and disorientated by police, who called Hyunwoo to collect him from lockup. It was lucky they didn’t charge him with assault on a police officer because Kihyun had put up quite a fight. 

“I’m sorry, Kihyun.” He closed the distance, pulling a struggling Kihyun against his body, holding him so that his arms were trapped at his side and his back was against Hyunwoo’s chest. He lifted the smaller man slightly off the floor away from any more broken glass as he began to kick and yell. 

“Let me go! Let me go!” What had started as anger and frustration had become panic and fear. Fight had given way to flight and Kihyun’s mind was telling him he wasn’t safe, that he was going to die. Everyone, including Hyunwoo, wanted to hurt him. He had to get away, his life depended on it.

“Kihyun I need you to stop.” His voice was still calm but a little more assertive this time. 

On some kind of animalistic instinct, Kihyun sank his teeth into Hyunwoo’s arm, biting down hard enough to break through the skin. Despite the pain, Hyunwoo still didn’t release him, just held in a yelp. Kihyun kept his jaw clamped around his arm, blood dripping from where he was latched on. Hyunwoo was sure he heard Kihyun make a noise almost like a growl. 

They stayed like that for a few minutes, both unrelenting, until Kihyun finally relaxed and released him. His teeth catching on the skin around the punctures as he slowly yielded. 

The coppery taste of blood coated the inside of his mouth, making him want to vomit. “Oh god...” He spat out blood that wasn’t his own, physically gagging. 

“It’s ok.” Hyunwoo let him go, cautiously. 

“It isn’t ok! You’re bleeding, I bit you like a rabid fucking animal! Shit. I fucking trashed this place.” He looked around in realisation. His outbursts always felt like an out of body experience, like it wasn’t even him. 

“I should know better than to have my arm within biting distance of your mouth.” Blood was running down his arm, it was a hell of a bite. “Can I take a look at your foot? It’s bleeding.”

Of course a Hyunwoo was more concerned about him than himself. Kihyun looked down at his foot and the pain seemed to hit at the sight of the blood. “O-Only if you tend to your arm first. Fuck, I hate that you only ever seem to suffer for knowing me!” 

“C’mon, let’s get cleaned up together then.” Hyunwoo took his hand and helped him limp to the bathroom through all the debris. 

Kihyun silently sat on the closed toilet lid, watching drops of blood from his food land on the grey linoleum floor while Hyunwoo thoroughly cleaned the bite on his arm. 

Hyunwoo had more than enough medical knowledge to know that bites from humans could be extremely dangerous because of the high risk of infection and so he didn’t take any chances. He washed it out with peroxide before washing it again with iodine. It stung terribly, so much that it brought tears to his eyes. 

“I hate causing you pain. I’m sorry I’m such a fucking freak.” Kihyun mumbled. He’d give anything to be like a normal person. Heck, even if it was only for a day so he could have a break from himself. 

“You aren’t a freak.” Hyunwoo placed a dressing on his arm. He’d have to check for redness and swelling in a couple of hours. 

“Are you... ever scared of me?” Because that was the worst thing. People being scared of him. His parents, kids at school... and Hyungwon the times he’d physically attacked him. 

“No. Never.” Hyunwoo said without missing a beat as he kneeled in the floor in front of Kihyun, blood from the floor soaking into his jeans. It matched the blood all over his t-shirt 

“Maybe you should be.”

“Sometimes I’m scared _for_ you but never _of_ you.” He pulled the med kit closer and pulled open a pair of sterile tweezers. “Will you let me take a look at your foot?”

“Yeah...” Kihyun raised his foot for him to look at. 

“I know you won’t want to go to the hospital so I’ll remove the glass if I can but you’ll have to go if it bleeds a lot or if there’s a lot of small pieces.” He in inspected the injury closely before carefully removing the glass imbedded in it. Fortunately it seemed to be only one shard. 

“Ow fuck!” There was an urge to strike out against the source of his pain but Kihyun sat perfectly still.

“One moment, keep your foot up.” Hyunwoo stood and left the bathroom. 

The younger obeyed as he waited for his best friend to return. The sole of his foot stung terribly and his fingers were trembling so he sat on his hands. Soon, Hyunwoo returned with the plastic dish basin full of water and he added antibacterial soap to it once he set it down on the floor. “Dip your foot in. It’ll hurt, I’m sorry.”

Kihyun hissed we he steadily lowered his foot into the warm water. “Shit that fucking hurts.”

“Sorry. Don’t want it getting infected. If your foot swells I’m taking you to the hospital whether you like it or not.” He lifted Kihyun’s foot and inspected it again. It was still bleeding but not catastrophically. He dabbed at it with gauze and was able to see that all the glass was gone now that it was cleaner.

“Will I live, doc?” Kihyun joked weakly. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna dress it and hope that stops it bleeding. It probably needs stitching but I’m reluctant to do it until I know it’s not infected and there’s no more glass. If there’s no swelling by tomorrow I’ll put some steri strips on it. I’m not really trained to deal with these kinds of injuries.”

“I’m not going to hospital so do whatever you think is best.”

“Oh trust me if I think you’re at risk, you’ll be going to hospital even if I have to hogtie you to get you there.”

 

:::::::::::::::::::::

 

It was a further six months later when Kihyun finally felt able to bring up a certain topic of conversation. A year after it had first been brought up. 

“Do you still love me?” Kihyun asked out of the blue, one evening. He was still staying with Hyunwoo but had started looking for his own place recently as he started taking photographs agin, his creative spark finally seeing fit to return to him. 

“Of course I love you. You’re my best friend.” Hyunwoo blinked at him. 

“You know that isn’t what I mean. Are are still in love with me?” 

“... Kinda thought... hoped you’d forgotten about that.” Hyunwoo looked away, almost looking ashamed. 

“I said we’d have this conversation when I could deal with it so here it is. Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why would you just carry that burden around?”

“Because it would have been selfish of me. You needed me as a friend more than anything else. You broke up with me for reasons we were both very clear on and I respect that.” Hyunwoo still wasn’t looking at him. 

“What a terrible pain to carry for so long... I kinda had an inkling about it but I wasn’t sure if it was my deluded thinking or not.”

“I don’t expect anything from you, just please don’t treat me differently now. I know we’ll only ever be just friends and that’s ok, I came to terms with that a long time ago. This is my issue to deal with, not for you to worry yourself over.” Finally, Hyunwoo met his eyes. 

Kihyun reached out with careful fingers, letting them gently brush Hyunwoo’s cheek. He looked at those kind eyes and leaned closer. Kihyun really didn't know why he did it, but he suddenly leaned in all the way and kissed Hyunwoo tenderly. His body practically acting without the consent of his brain. 

_“I shouldn’t be doing this to him. But this feels so safe. I guess even with all the medication and therapy in the world there is no cure for selfishness. That’s what I am, selfish.”_

The kiss was familiar, slow and warm and it felt like time had stopped around them. Kihyun instinctively brought one hand to rest on that broad chest while the other met the back of his friend’s neck. It felt so loving, like warm sun in the morning, but there was a sadness there, too. A sadness evident when Hyunwoo’s hand gently pressed him away by the shoulder, breaking their contact but maintaining a close proximity. 

“Please don’t, Ki. This isn’t a movie or a book, sometimes things don’t work out how we’d like with people and that’s ok. That’s the real world. Just please don’t torture me by doing things like that, I don’t want to have hope for what shouldn’t and won’t happen.” They’d already decided it wouldn’t work out, hadn’t they? And they were right because it didn’t work before. 

Kihyun knew he shouldn’t have kissed him. He knew it would have hurt him and that’s why Hyunwoo was right. That’s why it wasn’t something that was on the cards. “I know this isn’t a movie... but I wish I was a better man so that I could be your happy ending, Hyunwoo.”

“Being your best friend isn’t a sad ending, though.” Hyunwoo smiled softly. 

_“Maybe one day I will be a better man, less selfish and he will become more selfish? No. We will never meet in the middle that way. This is just the way things are.”_

 

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

Once his mental stability was fully maintained, Kihyun returned to photography full time. Though, he decided to only focus on his art rather than doing work for magazines and fashion brands. With more time and energy to dedicate to his passion he saw an explosion in his success. It was almost scary when he began getting a flurry of international inquiries and exhibition offers. 

While planning a particular exhibition, showing off all the works with special significance to him through his life, he really couldn’t ignore the impact of a certain model with an intense stare. 

“I need your honest opinion, hyung.” Kihyun mused as he sipped his soda.

“Uh oh. On what?” Hyunwoo looked up from his food. 

“My exhibition...”

“Uh... I thought you didn't want my opinions on your art because I say I like everything.”

“No, not on the art. I wanna invite a someone to the opening... you might think I'm insane.” He stirred the liquid and ice in his glass with the straw.

“Hyungwon, right?” 

“Yeah. I think I’m ready for it. To see him again.” Kihyun frowned a little, biting his lower lip. It had been almost four years. 

“Why do you want to invite him?”

“Because the exhibition is all the photographs that mean something to me and have significance in my life and unsurprisingly he features in it.” Kihyun looked away. “I want him to be there because I want him to see...” Kihyun would be lying if he said he didn’t think about Hyungwon sometimes. 

“Well, I don't think its insane or anything. You’re doing better than you ever have and if you think you're ready then you should do it.” Hyunwoo said cautiously. 

“Then I will.”

“I’m looking forward to the exhibition. You’ve worked so hard for it and you deserve the recognition.”

“I’m kinda nervous because of the personal nature of this one and it’s hard to narrow things down... hey, can we order more chicken?”

“Oh I thought you’d never ask!” Hyunwoo beamed. 

“My suggestion so I’m paying.”

“Nope. It’s my turn to pay. We agreed.”

“Bullshit. I just sold one of my works for an obscene amount of money. I’m paying.” Kihyun argued. 

“I did an overtime shift on Sunday.” The older shrugged. 

“I’m paying.”

“No you’re not.”

“Yes I am and that’s final.” Some things never changed. 

 

 

_________________________________  
___________HYUNGWON___________

 

 

After Hoseok had found him barely conscious in a nest of his own misery, Hyungwon had voluntarily gone into residential rehab for his abuse of prescription medication and dependence on alcohol. It was hard, even after the physical withdrawal symptoms stopped. During which, Hyungwon was sure he was going to actually puke up his own insides. 

After completing the programme, he steadily engaged with therapy. That was hard, too. It felt like a daily uphill struggle and it was difficult to face his demons without even the crutch of alcohol to lean on. It was slow progress but quitting his modelling career and ducking out of the public eye to focus on H1 and the business surrounding it helped a lot. The limelight wasn’t good for him. 

A year and a half after Kihyun had left, the company proved to become quite the success once his attention was focused on it. He even needed to hire a full time assistant. 

Hoseok had given him an application from some kid he knew from the dance studio he’d helped set up. He assured Hyungwon he should at least give the kid an interview. Of course, Hyungwon did. Hoseok was an excellent judge of character. 

Since he was giving him an interview anyway he didn’t really bother to read the application in much detail. There wasn’t much on it, anyway. 

It was late in the day and the applicant was the last one of the day. He buzzed through to his secretary to send him in. There was the sound of the door opening and closing and when Hyungwon looked up he raised a brow at the young man. 

He was practically a kid and he wasn’t exactly dressed for a job interview. Where one world normally expect a suit and tie the kid was wearing torn black skinny jeans, a white shirt and grey blazer which looked like he’d personalised it with skull appliqués and small chains. That with his brassy bleached hair and the eyebrow piercing made him look like some punk kid. 

“You’re here for the personal assistant role?” Hyungwon glanced over at the application to see if he had the right person. “Im Changkyun?” Surely this would be a waste of time. It had been a long week, one of those stressful weeks that would have once had him running to a bottle of gin. Some days are better than others. Reality was tough to face without a little help to blur it out sometimes but he refused to go back to that dark place again. 

“That’s me, yeah.” The kid spoke so informally. 

“Come sit.” Hyungwon motioned to the chair across from him. “How old are you?”

“Twenty one.” Changkyun answered, taking a seat. 

“That’s very young. Why did you apply for this position?” Admittedly, Hyungwon assumed he was younger than that. He’d have guessed eighteen or nineteen. 

“I think I’d be really good at it. I know it’s not the same but I’ve done some events management since I was seventeen and I know a thing or two about PR and how to use social media to one’s advantage. I’m good at organisation and I’m fluent in English which is a good skill to have in business, right? I’m a really big fan of yours. Oh fuck I told myself I wouldn’t say that. Fuck. Or say the F word. I’m so sorry.”

“Right.” Hyungwon looked very unconvinced. 

“Look, I know you probably only gave me an interview because of Hoseok. But please, I really need this chance. I work hard. I work four jobs right now because I really need the money.” Changkyun had a strange accent which didn’t sound like any of the regional accents Hyungwon knew of. He was obviously Korean but he sounded almost like a foreigner. 

“That’s true, Hoseok is the reason I gave you an interview. I’m not gonna lie.” He sighed. Fuck. For some reason had a soft sport for the kid already. There was just something about him, he seemed honest and enthusiastic. 

“I just need a chance. I know I’m dressed like shit but it’s all I have right now and I can’t tell you how much I want this job. Shit.” The young man paused for a second. “I’ll do anything. Anything.” Changkyun’s eyes flicked down his body and back up, licking his lips slightly. That made Hyungwon shudder because he knew exactly what Changkyun was getting at. He remembered being so desperate he’d have done anything, too. 

Anything. 

“I’ll give you a trial period of two months. No need for— Y’know. Any anythings. I don’t expect that kind of thing from you, Changkyun.” Hyungwon cursed himself for thinking how long it had been since he’d been touched by anyone. 

“Seriously? You’ll give me a chance?” His face lit up. 

“Yes.” Judging by the jacket he wore, Hyungwon suspected the kid probably wanted this job to get his foot in the door and work on designs or something along those lines. Heck, if he was good then Hyungwon would give him the chance. 

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

It had been a year since Hyungwon had hired Changkyun. The young man reminded him what it was like to have enthusiasm for life. He happily spent evenings helping Changkyun with his designs and giving him sewing tips. 

Changkyun fit perfectly into his role. He was a little unprofessional sometimes and struggled with formalities but Hyungwon grew to kind of like that about him. He always got his work done and did a good job of it. His fluency in English also proved beneficial on more than a few occasions. 

Hyungwon became maybe a little protective of him, too. Especially when he discovered why his accent had sounded so strange. He’d lived abroad most of his life and had recently moved back to Korea, leaving his family in America. The poor kid had nobody here. 

He even liked how blunt the kid was. 

“Hey, Hyungwon? Can I ask you something?”

“It’s Mr Chae, remember? Learn some damn respect.” Hyungwon rolled his eyes. “But go ahead.”

“So like, how did you know you weren’t a hetero?”

Ok, so sometimes he liked how blunt the kid was but sometimes it took him very much off guard. “Wow. Your bluntness reminds me of someone I used to know.”

“Sorry. Was that too forward? Hoseok says you’re good on giving advice because you’re super good at knowing people’s motivations and shit like that.”

“That makes my sound like a sociopath.” He set down his coffee. “Uh I guess I never actually thought about it much, believe it or not. Just ran with it. My sexuality was actually something I was always comfortable with in myself. I had a lot of insecurities growing up but my sexuality wasn’t really one of them. Figured out pretty early on I was a lot moire attracted to men than women. Why do you ask?”

“I just... I’m trying to decide what I like? I love the way women look and I’m pretty I’m sexually attracted to them but I was willing to suck your dick for a job, remember? I mean that’s not very surprising because I reeeeally wanted the job.”

“Being willing to do something isn’t the same as wanting it. Being willing to suck a guy off for something in return doesn’t make you not heterosexual.”

“Ew that makes me sound like a hooker! But let me finish, I never thought I was attracted to guys but there’s this guy who’s kinda a friend but I look at him and... when he smiles it makes my soul smile. Seriously, my heart aches when I’m around him and I just wanna kiss his pretty dimples. His name is Jooheon.” Changkyun admitted. 

Hyungwon fake gagged. “How disgustingly adorable.” Hyungwon really couldn't help but smile, it was endearing as hell to see Changkyun gushing like that. 

“Actually I kinda wanna stick my tongue in his dimples, is that weird?”

“I’m not one to kink shame but yeah, kinda. But seriously, Changkyun, don’t get too hung up on a label. In the end, you’re the only person you have to explain yourself to. If you like a guy then let yourself like him, go with it and don't worry about whether that makes you bi or gay or whatever.”

“Maybe I’m just curious?” Changkyun bit his lower lip.

“Maybe. And it’s ok to be just curious. It’s also ok if you just want to experiment. Just... make sure you have sex with the right people.”

“The right people?”

“Have sex with people who are on the same page as you and make you feel good. Make them feel good, too. If you just want to explore things with this guy make sure he knows that first. If you want more then make sure your expectations are on the same level so nobody gets hurt.”

“What about love? What if I’m curious about sex with him but then I find out I’m in love? Then it’s something more than curiosity.” Changkyun frowned. 

“Love is more complicated than sex, I don’t think we get much say in who our heart chooses. Not that I’m qualified to talk about love.” Hyungwon had to admit that whatever Changkyun was feeling, it sounded like a little more than curiosity. 

“Have you ever been in love?”

“That’s..... a hard question.” Hyungwon looked over out the window, wondering what Kihyun was doing right now.

“Sorry.”

“For what?” Hyungwon looked back at his assistant. 

“You look sad now.”

“It’s ok.” Because really, it was. 

“What happened?”

“He left.”

“Why?”

“Maybe that story is for another time. Back to you, don't lose your mind over this. Talk to him, is he even into guys?”

“Yeah, he is.” Changkyun beamed. 

“So bite the bullet and ask him out because it sounds like you’re into him more than an experimental roll around anyway. Man up a little and ask him on a date. Who gives a fuck if it makes makes you gay or bi or whatever?”

“Right! Thanks hyung!”

“Mr Chae. I’m your boss, remember?”

“Aw you’re so cold, Mr Chae!” Changkyun pouted. 

 

———

 

It turned out that Changkyun must have taken his advice. A week later, his assistant peeped into his office a little sheepishly. 

“Can I get Friday night off?”

“Sure. Got plans?” Hyungwon didn’t look up.

“I have a uh... a date.” Changkyun blushed. 

“With that guy? Jooheon?” Then Hyungwon did look up from his documents now. 

“Yeah. I’m so fucking nervous! He’s so cute but hot at the same time. He’s all sexy and aggressive when he raps but has the best eye smile ever.”

 _“Kihyun had an adorable eye smile, too. That big toothy grin of his could stop traffic.”_ Hyungwon pushed the thought away. “Yeah?”

“I plucked up the courage to ask him out and he actually agreed. Fuck he’s so hot I can’t believe this is happening. I might fucking die if he kisses me.” 

“We’re going to need to talk about your cursing, by the way.” Hyungwon turned his attention back to his paperwork. 

“You do it too!” 

“I’m the boss, I can do what I like. Now, make sure you’re a gentleman with this guy. Don’t screw it up.” 

“I promise nothing. I turn into a lump of nervous jello on dates. Oh! By the way, I made that appointment with the stylist for you to get your hair dyed on Saturday at 3pm because I know you hate waking up before noon on weekends.”

“Thank you.” Hyungwon ran his fingers instinctively through his platinum blonde hair. It didn’t feel like the colour really fit him anymore. It reminded him too much of the awful person he’d been and it was time for change. 

He’d considered just going to his natural black hair colour but that just reminded him of being a mess, too. So when he went to the stylist he simply told her to do whatever she thought would look good as long as it wasn’t it’s current colour or black. 

She opted for a a soft, light brown colour which complimented his complexion rather than being a stark contrast to it. His hair had gotten a little too long and so she cut and styled it so that it was parted at the side and styled out of his face. 

He liked it, it felt fresh and new. 

The following Monday, Hyungwon didn’t need to ask how the date went because the first words out of his assistants mouth were about Jooheon. It was endearing, actually.

“So I kinda spilled my drink all over him but he laughed and kissed my nose.” He grabbed his phone out of his pocket and thrust it in Hyungwon’s direction. “Look at the dimples!”

It was a selca of Changkyun and Jooheon. The guy had foxy reddish orange coloured hair and a cute smile which squished his cheeks up into his eyes. Changkyun was right, the dimples were to die for. They looked so adorable together, happy and carefree. It made Hyungwon smile, too. Simultaneously warming his heart and yet wondering what could have been if his life had taken a different direction or if he’d dealt with things differently. 

“You could hide ₩500 coins in those dimples.” Hyungwon pointed out. 

“I know right!? God he’s quirky, too. The nice kind of quirky, not the creepy kind. Hey can I ask you a weird thing again?”

“Shoot.” Hyungwon sipped his coffee. Black with a shot of vanilla syrup because he decided he needed to love himself a little more today. 

“How do you know if someone’s a top or bottom?”

Hyungwon almost choked to death on his coffee. 

“Sorry you're the only one I have to talk to about this kind of thing!” Changkyun slapped him on the back as he coughed and spluttered. 

“Ow! Are you trying to kill me? Jeez, what kind of question is that?” He took a moment to breathe “And I dunno I guess sometimes you just get a vibe from someone. Also there’s one foolproof way to tell if someone is a top or bottom.” 

“Yeah?” Changkyun leaned closer as if his boss was about to tell him all the secrets of the universe. 

“You just ask them! It’s not rocket science. I thought you were supposed to be smart.” He poked Changkyun’s forehead. 

“I can’t!” Changkyun looked scandalised 

“Why not? Communication is key.” 

“It’s embarrassing.”

“What do you think you'd prefer, then?” Hyungwon asked. 

“Uh I dunno. I’m kinda curious either way. But I wouldn't wanna accidentally him! Ah but at the same time I have like no pain threshold.”

“It doesn’t have to hurt. Just go slowly. Lots of lube and lots of prep. You know about that?” Was he seriously having The Talk with his assistant?

“Y-Yeah. Always knock before entering the back door blah blah blah and go in fingers first. Do you top or bottom?” 

“Oh so you can ask me but not him?” Hyungwon teased. “I do both. It’s called being a switch. well, not that Ive gotten any action for.... a long time.” He couldn't remember the last time he’d had sex.

Changkyun looked like he almost hadn’t considered liking it both ways was even an option. “What’s better?”

“Neither. They’re different.” Hyungwon explained. 

“What’s it like getting fucked in the ass?”

“Enough! You’re going to drive me back to the bottle at this rate! Whatever you do just make sure you use a condom.”

“Yeah, yeah! Oh, I like your new hair by the way. You look like a hot sugar daddy.”

“Uh, thank you?”

Of course, only a few days later Changkyun had come bursting into the office again with a huge smile on his face and a little late for work. 

“You’re late.” Hyungwon spoke into his coffee. Hyungwon has been feeling a little down lately and had spent most of the time ha wasn’t working pretty isolated except for Hoseok coming to cheer him up with pizza. Hoseok’s visits always did cheer him up but his best friend was often busy with the dance studio these days. 

Changkyun was a godsend, not just because he organised lis life, but because he was relief from the apathy when it struck. 

“Sooooooo update! We totally banged on the second date. And yes we used a condom and bucket loads of lube. It was fucking amazing. He’s obviously more experienced so he topped but we’re totally gonna switch it up next time. God, why didn’t anyone tell me having a dick in your ass felt so good? I feel like I’ve been missing out for years. Oh! And he ate me out after, I came twice. Shit, it was so good I almost died! I probably won’t ever be able to go back to pussy now.” The boy really had no filter. 

Hyungwon grimaced at the detail. “What did I say about over sharing before I finish my first coffee?”

“Sorry Mr Chae.” Changkyun laughed. 

“It’s fine but at this rate you’ll ruin my sobriety.”

Changkyun suddenly looked deflated. “Do you really hate it? I’m sorry for being annoying, I just... you’re the only person I have to talk about this kinda stuff with and get advice from. Without you I wouldn’t have even plucked up the courage to ask him out. I just...” The young man trailed off. 

“I’m not mad or anything. I’m sorry, I was kidding about ruining my sobriety. You can tell me all your gross lovely-dovey details, I think it’s really sweet actually.”

The younger’s face lit back up. “Yeah? Great! Would it be weird if I bring him flowers when I see him next?”

“I’m probably not great for advice in that particular respect. I’ve never had a functional healthy relationship with someone.”

“What about that guy who left? You never told me about what happened.”

“I would rather not talk about it if that’s ok. Tell me more about Jooheon.”

“Well he raps so good! He’s so talented. Fuck and he’s got thighs and a butt to die for, I want him to choke me with those thighs and I’ll die happy. He’s so sweet and goofy too.” Damn this kid was whipped. 

“I hope you realise I’ll have to meet this guy and make sure he’s good enough for you.” Hyungwon chuckled. 

“What are you, my dad?”

“Never accuse me of that again, it makes me feel old as fuck. I know I’m older than you but not THAT fucking old.”

“Daddy!”

“Mr Chae. It’s Mr Chae.” Hyungwon buried his face in his hands. “Save the daddy kink for your boyfriend.”

“Kyunnie is sowy Daddy. Pwease don’t punish me.”

“Get. Out.”

 

::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Hyungwon knew it was Changkyun’s dream was to see his creations being worn on the catwalk. Hyungwon certainly had the power to make that happen for him but the young man would have to earn it. Hyungwon did his best to constantly encourage his assistant to work on his designs and would do his best to introduce him to influential people and other creatives who would help him with his ideas. 

After all, Changkyun had become what he considered a friend, albeit a friend he was rather protective of. Not in a possessive way, though. In a caring way because other than Jooheon, himself and Hoseok, the kid didn’t have anybody else. By this point Hyungwon had met Jooheon a couple of times and those two really were a heart wrenchingly good couple. 

One evening, they were at a party after a show put on by a leading fashion magazine. It was one of those terribly dull things that were unfortunately necessary for making good impressions and networking. Hyungwon never realised how unbearable these things could be when you weren’t able to partake in the complimentary champagne. He’d probable smoked half a pack of cigarettes throughout the evening, though. 

He was having one of his off-days. Sometimes that happened but it was ok because the good days seemed to outnumber the bad. He was texting on his phone to make himself look busy, hopefully discouraging anyone from speaking to him. He always hated parties anyway, no matter his mood or blood alcohol level.

_Hyungwon 9:32pm  
I’m not feeling this thing tonight. Gonna leave at 10 I think. _

_Hoseok 9:34pm  
You ok? I can come pick you up? Isn’t Changkyun with you?_

_Hyungwon 9:34pm  
Yeah just feeling antisocial. Changkyun is off networking for me. I cut him off on the champagne early after what happened last time. _

_Hyungwon 9:35pm  
And no you don’t need to pick me up, I’ll get a cab. Wouldn’t want to keep you from your beauty sleep any more than I already am. _

_Hoseok 9:37pm  
Ah when he drank so much free booze that he puked all the way home? I’m a lightweight too, I can relate to the poor kid. _

_Hyungwon 9:37pm  
He also showed up for work hungover the next day and vomited in my plant pot >:(_

_Hoseok 9:38pm  
And you still didn’t fire him <3 you can’t fire him anyway he’s like your adopted baby brother now it’s so adorable. When we all ate lunch in your office and you nagged him to eat the vegetables I almost died of uwu _

_Hyungwon 9:39pm  
Yeah yeah I better go find him so we can leave._

_Hoseok 9:40pm  
I’m so happy my kind sweet Wonnie is back, albeit a little more savage :) _

He looked around and finally spotted Changkyun sat talking to the head of a prestigious American retailer. One which Hyungwon had wanted to get his clothing line into. It was hard selling in the west but he was determined to break into that market. He meandered closer but since the two were speaking English he couldn’t really make out exactly what their conversation was about, especially with the noise of the room. His English wasn’t too bad but he found it hard to understand native speakers, especially those with strong regional accents. 

He was about to just walk over and joint them when he saw the man lean in closer to Changkyun and place a hand on the young man’s thigh.

Hyungwon felt his stomach flip over. It was like all his blood had suddenly drained from his body. He could feel the burning of every pervert’s disgusting wandering hand that had ever touched his thigh when he was younger. Every sleazy old fuck who’d ever taken advantage. 

He watched frozen to the spot as Changkyun said something and cocked his head cutely. The older man took Changkyun’s hand and brought it over to his own crotch. He noticed the flinch his assistant tried to conceal. He didn’t want it. 

No. He couldn’t let this happen. 

He crossed the space between them quickly. “Changkyun we’re leaving.” He said abruptly, pulling the younger up by the wrist. 

“But Mr Chae I was—” 

“No. You weren’t.” He didn't acknowledge the man because he was afraid that if he looked at his face he might either vomit or discover how Kihyun felt when flying into a fit of rage. He’d never related so much to the need for violence.

He pulled Changkyun away quickly, practically dragging the younger outside. 

“What the fuck Hyungwon?! I could have talked him into doing a deal with you! It’s what you’ve wanted, isn’t it?”

“Not like that! Never like that. Do you understand me?” He felt tears rolling down his cheeks, voice trembling. 

“You're crying. I-I’m sorry. I just know how much you wanna break into the western markets so I... he said he liked Asian boys because apparently we look like girls. I figured... I owe you so much. It’s the least I can do...” Changkyun’s voice faulted. 

“Please don’t.” He pulled his assistant into a tight hug. Like he was trying to protect him from everything. Who cares if it’s considered inappropriate? “Never degrade yourself for me. For anyone. I would rather my company go bankrupt and live in a cardboard box than for you to do something like that!”

“I’m sorry... I don’t want to make you angry.” Changkyun was crying too, now. 

“I’m not angry at you, Changkyun.” He pulled back to look at the young man. “Men like him are predators and they’ll use you up until there’s nothing left of you.” He’d said something like that before, right after using Minhyuk that way. That was an unwelcome memory. 

“I wasn’t sure how much of that stuff was true about you...” There was a tinge of realisation to Changkyun’s voice. 

“If that man calls the office tell him Mr Chae would appreciate if he go fuck himself. As for you, promise you’ll never consider anything like that again. I don’t want you feeling like shit or making problems between you and Jooheon. He’d be hurt because you’d feel hurt.”

“Fuck. What was I thinking?” Changkyun sniffled. 

“Let’s get you home.”

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

A month after the incident at the event, Hyungwon was gazing into his coffee at his desk so intensely he didn’t notice his assistant walking in until a handful of mail was dropped onto the surface in front of him.

“Earth to Mr Chae?”

“Sorry. I was daydreaming.”

“About what?”

“I dunno...” He said honestly. 

“You’re a space cadet sometimes, Sir. Anyway, to summarise the mail it’s mostly the usual crap. Except you got an invite to a fancy gallery show thing which I thought was an unusual choice.” He pushed the invitation across the desk. “The artist is pretty famous.”

“Kihyun...” He looked at the invitation. It was addressed to him and a plus one. The event was to be held at a very prestigious gallery. Kihyun had really done well for himself. 

“That’s the guy, yeah. Yoo Kihyun. Weird thing for you to be invited to. He used to do fashion photography so maybe he photographed you back in the day and you left an impression.”

“You could say that.” Hyungwon looked like he’d seen a ghost. 

“You gonna go?”

“No... I don’t think the invite is from him because he probably wouldn’t want me there. Probably a mistake by an events manager.”

“He signed it, though. You should go, it sounds cool.”

“...If I go, would you like to come, too? I may need moral support and Hoseok will probably tell me I shouldn’t go so I’ll just tell him the next day.”

“Why?” His assistant frowned in confusion. 

“Long story. We dated. Kinda? It was a mess and we were no good for each other.” Hyungwon explained. 

“That’s the guy? The guy you loved?”

“Yeah. Our relationship was passionate but violent and messy. We could be tender together but it was punctuated by me emotionally abusing him until he hurt me physically.” He admitted. 

“He hit you? Asshole.”

“I wanted him to do it... to lose it. Made me feel alive. You have to understand that I had some very fucked up ways of thinking back then.”

“That does sound super fucked up, Mr Chae. Doesn’t sound like love at all to me.”

“Love can be an awful twisted thing. Just because we love something doesn’t mean it’s good for us.”

“I guess... are you going then?”

“Yeah. Would you come, too? There’s usually free snacks and stuff at these things.”

“Sure. I can pretend I know about art and eat stuff.”

“Oh and speaking of art, you best get practice your designs.” Hyungwon sat back in his hair, changing the subject. 

“I always do. Duh.” Changkyun rolled his eyes. 

“Well they better be getting perfect because I’m giving you four slots at my spring collection show.”

Changkyun almost passed out. “Four?! Four slots? Oh my god you’re giving me slots? Oh fuck. Holy fucking fuck. Four?!” He fanned himself, breathing rapidly. 

“Please don’t die on me. Breathe slower.”

“Thank you!” Changkyun lunged over the desk and pulled the older into a hug.

“Ow! Changkyun!”

“Hyu— Mr Chae you’re the best!”

“You don’t have to call me Mr Chae this one time while on the clock... and then I guess when you're off the clock, too. The slots are the least I can do. Your friendship has kept me human, I was starting to lose direction again until you came along, sometimes I forget how to live. You reminded me what it’s like to care about someone selflessly.”

“Hyung you’ll make me cry you big sappy dork!”

“Hey now enough with the dork thing. I’m still your boss.” Hyungwon scolded. 

“Thank you so much! Oh my god.” He finally released his boss. “And it’s really ok for me to call you hyung when I’m not working?”

“Yes, really. Promise me one thing, though. If you get talent spotted by a bigger brand then you should take it. Don’t stay here out of loyalty.”

“But I like working for you, I would miss you.”

“If there comes a time in the future where I'm no longer your boss that doesn't mean I wont still be your hyung. Also, I want you to know you aren’t getting this as a favour, you’re getting it because you deserve it. If I didn’t think your designs were good enough I wouldn’t have done it.”

“And without you I wouldn’t be good enough. Thank you so much for this. Thank you for being there and putting up with me. For being my hyung.”

 

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

It was a huge gallery space. It was filled with images which laid Kihyun’s soul bare. An accumulation of all his most personal photographs which he’d taken over his life. From the first picture he’d taken with his new camera, which was a blurry photograph of a dog. All the way to a selca of himself with the gallery room behind him. 

They were in chronological order and Hyungwon wandered silently through the maze of temporary walls with Changkyun. He was nervous. 

It included the notorious image of the chair and the broken window, titled _Remembering Wrath_. There were others that were hard to see, too. An image of bloodied knuckles on scratched up irritated hands that were probably Kihyun’s own. One of an overgrown gravestone which Hyungwon couldn't read the name on. 

Amongst them were happy images, though. What appeared to be Hyunwoo’s graduation. A close-up of some fried chicken with the check torn in half next to it, titled as _Hyung Will (Not) Pay._ It felt like an inside joke. Hyungwon vaguely remembered Kihyun saying he and Hyunwoo always argued over who paid for things. Speaking of Hyunwoo, there was one of him at around collage-age smiling sleepily from a bed, wearing only his underwear and holding his hand up with fingers interlaced with whoever was behind the camera. Obviously Kihyun. There was a point in Hyungwon’s life where that image would have inspired feelings of possessiveness and jealousy. But not now, now it just made him smile a little. It was such a loving image. 

“Whoa that guy’s hot. Look at those shoulders!” Changkyun interrupted his train of thought. 

“Don’t yell, this is a gallery.” Hyungwon scolded his assistant. 

There were some haunting images, portraying feelings of panic and frustration in amongst stunningly beautiful images, too. Portraits of people which somehow capture everything about them, like the ones he’d taken of Hyungwon so long ago. Lives written on faces. Hyungwon had a sneaking suspicion he’d be featured somewhere and he was dreading seeing it. 

Kihyun probably loathed him. Rightly so.

“Oh my god this one’s you!”

“Changkyun, what did I say about yelling? This—” He stopped, looking up at the photograph. It was one he remembered Kihyun taking. It was him smoking a cigarette out the photographer’s bedroom window, naked and covered in paint. It didn’t show anything lewd from the angle it was taken from, you couldn’t even see his face very well and he probably wasn’t recognisable to anyone who didn’t know him personally. You could see most of his ass, though. Great. 

“Beautiful Addiction. There is nothing more addictive than being owned by the devil and owning him in return. The worst kind of love.” Changkyun read out from the card underneath. “Mr Chae, you’re so fucking hot in this but damn I can’t believe he used a naked picture of you.”

The devil? Fair comparison in Hyungwon’s retrospective opinion. “In fairness to him I think I only told him not to put it on Instagram.” He laughed to himself. He remembered being so mad at Kihyun for displaying intimate photographs of him before, but he couldn’t find it in himself to be angry this time. 

“I’m kinda sad I didn't suck your dick. Actually, you look great naked.” Changkyun laughed.

Hyungwon stopped in front of another image. It was his shoes placed neatly next to Kihyun’s. “He Loved Me.” He read the title out with a sigh. 

“This one to do with you, too?”

“Yeah. This one too.” He looked along at a photograph of the Han river at night, titled as _Hotteok, Hot Inside._ It must have been the view from that Hotteok stand Kihyun had taken him to. 

The next one was a water stained print of a photograph. At first Hyungwon didn’t get it but then he remembered. It was one of the prints that were on the floor of Kihyun’s studio that he’d cried onto. There must have been a lot of tears for the ink to run like that. 

The walls of shots that followed chronicled more struggles and darkness before they started to depict happier, lighter things again.

Then came the sight Hyungwon was dreading the most. Kihyun himself. “Oh god there he is.” He whipped around to face Changkyun. “Is he looking?”

“Yeah. He’s coming over. With some big strong looking guy. Oh, the hot one from the bed photo. He’s still hot, damn.”

“That’s Hyunwoo. He hates me. Stop being so thirsty, now isn’t the time.”

“Looks like he could probably snap you like a twig. Oh someone started talking to them now.”

“Maybe we should leave now. I’m not sure I’m ready for this.” Hyungwon panicked. 

“Too late, he excused himself from the conversation. He’s like 10 seconds away. Want me to pretend to choke?”

Before Hyungwon could form any sort of escape plan he heard Kihyun’s voice behind him. 

“I’m surprised you came.”

He turned around to be greeted with the sight of Kihyun. The older had black hair now, rather than any of the bold colours he remembered. But it was cute, it suited him. He still had those intense sharp eyes, though. They were always one of Hyungwon’s favourite things about him.

“I’m surprised I was invited.” Hyungwon tried to stay ineffectual. _“Why am I reverting to shutting people off when I don't want to deal with something? I’m better than this now.”_

“I almost didn’t recognise you without the blonde hair.”

“If he kept bleaching it up so much it was gonna fall the fuck out.” Changkyun laughed, trying to cut through the awkwardness. 

“Uh, this is Changkyun. He has no filter. Sorry.”

“It’s ok... you two seem happy.”

There was an awkward moment which passed between them. 

Changkyun was the one to break it. “Oh you think we’re fucking? No no no. I’m his assistant. Did offer to suck his dick so he’d give me the job, though.” 

“Let me just clarify that I did not make him suck me off for a job.” Hyungwon interjected. 

Hyunwoo laughed lightly. “Changkyun, would you like to come find the champagne guy with me?”

“Now you’re talkin’! Catch you later Mr Chae.” Changkyun waved at his somewhat dumbfounded boss.

“Good to see you’re doing well, Hyungwon.” Hyunwoo said honestly as he departed with Changkyun.

“So uh... You look good, Chae Hyungwon.” Kihyun smiled awkwardly, trying to lighten the tension. “Sorry... was that inappropriate? Considering the situation? I just meant that you look healthy. I’m glad.”

“I can’t say everything is perfect but I got help, went to rehab. I also quit modelling. You probably already knew that because it was quite a media storm. Last few years I’ve just been focusing on my own label. It’s going well. Changkyun is a godsend, honestly. That kid is gonna go far.” He smiled, looking over to Changkyun before looking back to Kihyun. “You look really well, too.”

“Got out of fashion photography to avoid you. It let me focus on what I loved rather than the stuff that paid the bills. Turns out it paid the bills even better than all the freelance stuff.” Kihyun’s shrugged. 

“Why did you invite me?”

“I didn’t want our last interaction to be your lasting memory of me, nor mine of you. Until now I didn’t feel strong enough, though.”

“You did the right thing. The thing I wasn’t strong enough to do. You walked away before we both burned up into oblivion.” Hyungwon admitted. “I’m sorry.”

“Did you... see your photos?” 

“How could I not notice my naked ass being on display for the whole world to see?” Hyungwon smiled softly. 

“Sorry.” Kihyun stifled a laugh. “If I recall I promised not to put it on my Instagram. I never said I wouldn’t hang it in a gallery. Hope you’re not mad. Sorry about the devil thing, I wanted it to reflect my feelings at the time.”

“Well, I’ve been told before that my butt is a work of art so I guess I’m not mad. Congratulations on your success, by the way.”

“Thank you. Congratulations to you, too. I keep seeing your clothes in all the trendy stores. Congratulations on the sobriety, too.”

“Some days are still hard but I have Hoseok and Changkyun to keep me on the straight and narrow.”

“Fuck... this is weird. I didn’t know how I would feel seeing you again but I really didn’t expect this.” Kihyun shifted awkwardly 

“Expect what?”

“That I don’t want to part ways again.” The photographer confessed. 

“That’s a dangerous way to feel.”

“It is. I wish I could hate you. It would be easier.” Kihyun conceded and offered a hand to shake. 

“No it wouldn't, hate is poisonous.” But so is love. Hyungwon looked at his hand as he accepted the handshake and noticed the silver ring he’d given him still on his thumb. It lay in a slight indent, Kihyun probably never took it off. 

Kihyun must have realised what was going through Hyungwon’s head because he moved to withdraw his hand but the taller man grabbed it back and pulled him into a hug. 

“Is this inappropriate?” Hyungwon asked in a whisper. 

“Yes...” He hugged back anyway. “The ring, you can have it back if you like... it’s yours.”

“It’s not mine. It’s yours, Kihyun. I’m sure I already told you that.”

“I missed you.” Kihyun pulled away from the embrace. 

“I... I really want us to become friends, Kihyun. At some point. But not just yet. I still have guilt to wrestle with over what happened.” Because so, so much had happened.

“Yeah... I’m not ready for that just yet either. This is a good start, though.” Kihyun gave a little smile. “We should keep this short.” Because this was already almost too much. Baby steps and all that. Maybe they could be friends one day. Maybe. But then again, maybe that’s asking too much of them both. Friends is a strong word. 

“Yeah I’m sure you have a load of people who want to talk to you.”

“Hmm and I still hate parties, even when it’s my own opening evening.” The older mock pouted. 

“Me too, join the club. Anyway, I should get Changkyun back before he knocks back too many glasses of champagne.”

“See you round, Chae Hyungwon.”

“See you round, Yoo Kihyun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s the end! Thank you SO much for reading all the way through! I’m quite sad that it’s ended, actually. Hope you weren’t disappointed in the lack of a fairytale ending but I wanted to give a positive ending without it feeling too unnatural, y’know? I don’t think these two could have ended up together in the end. I think if they did it wouldn’t have been good for them. 
> 
> But! My next series will be dropping soon so watch out for _Mad as a Box of Frogs_. It’s basically going to be the antidote to this story. A non-toxic relationship in a tale of healing. Minhyuk/Hyungwon with a side of Showki. 
> 
> ______
> 
> In other news: I know A.C.E’s Under Cover has been out for weeks now but I keep having to watch the MV because I just can’t get over that whole Byeongkwan aesthetic! Also helps the song itself is an absolute bop.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, all feedback is graciously received!


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